I spend a lot of time explaining my way of working - its been a problem for some time.
The secret purpose of the womb twin survivors is to remain in the black hole - ie not develop, never get off the ground, remain in a state of arrested development etc.
There would be loving and logical reasons for this: " I must stay here with my lost twin and not develop either".
If someone I am working with draws out of me a series of explanations, directions and suggestions by their own resistance, then they stay helplessly stuck, in the black hole with their lost twin.
In other words the process for the womb twin survivor is to hand over autonomy to the therapist and let them take control - but this seems illogical. However if the secret purpose is to remain the beta self, then that makes perfect logical sense.
I work in a directive way because this isn't therapy. I don't play the total empathy game (that keeps me helpless in someone elses Black Hole - no thanks.) But I do use empathy informed with understanding on my part so there's a lot of dialogue as I check things out as we go.
I decided it wasnt therapy a long time ago. Its more like teaching but it has a therapeutic aim.
A teacher doesn't wait till everyone is ready to learn but rather assumes that the person is there to learn. There is no point in coming to a teacher and then resisting the very process of learning. But that's not quite it for me, when it comes to the womb twin work.
A therapist stays with the client in their inner world and accepts as truth everything going on there. In absolute empathy and kindness, working with the resistance. But always aware of unconscious process and transference. But that's not quite it either.
What I do is first to inform with empathy, then listen with open-mindedness, then guide as seems appropriate , then fearlessly negotiate a way forward that suits the individual, all the time emphasising the fact that the individual is in charge of their own healing.
We found a name for it this morning : therapeutic guidance for wombtwin survivors.
I wonder: is this what womb twin survivors experience? Is this what they need? This is what I have learned to do over the last five years or so. It is what I intend to do, but intention may not be enough. I am self taught and have no teachers, other then the womb twin survivors I work with.
I would welcome comments and suggestions.
Article about therapy with womb twin survivors
When a twin dies before birth, the sole survivor needs help and understanding. Womb twin survivors are the sole survivors of a twin or multiple pregnancy. This group, 1 in 10 of the population, includes survivors of a stillbirth, miscarriage, abortion and a "vanishing twin" pregnancy. It is a story of a twin bond broken by death, leaving a lonely survivor.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Saying goodbye to your lost twin
In his new book A clear blue sky, the Hon. Timothy Knatchbull, whose identical twin and other members of his family were blown up, he says that the book is designed to say goodbye to his identical twin, Nick.
Read a moving account of his journey here.
He has moved on. Like all surviving twins he can heal, and this entails a journey through the pain into a recognition of being the fortunate survivor.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Berlin workshop NOVEMBER 21st
Workshop in Berlin with me, my powerpoint presentation and whole lot of props for the group exercise on person Space the Black Hole and many others! Arranged by Eloise.
From Eloise:
I am excited to announce that I'm organising a Wombtwin workshop here in Berlin with Althea Hayton, bringing her over from the UK on Saturday 21st November 2009. The workshop will involve a background and medical introduction and then interactive workshop exercises to explore this topic in our lives and how we can bring about healing. The workshop is for you if this idea resonates for you, if you know you are a wombtwin survivor, if your child is or you think they might be, if you are a therapist who works with wombtwin survivors or just interested in this topic. The workshop will be in English, but please indicate if you are an interested German-only speaker to help us to know if we need to provide a translator!
Places are limited to 30 people, so please book early to avoid disappointment.
Location: Body Mind Institute, Schlesische str. 38 2.Hof 1.OG, 10997 Berlin Kreuzberg (U-Bhf Schlesisches Tor, S-Bhf Warschauer Str)
Price: €70 for full day Saturday 21st November 2009 from 10am - 6pm. Payment in full is required to register your place.
Tea and cake will be provided and we advise you to bring a snack for lunch.
There is an option for a Sunday morning extension to the workshop, from 10am - 2pm, for those who have attended Saturday and would like to explore the topic further. The cost for Sunday is an extra €30, payable on the day.
From Eloise:
I am excited to announce that I'm organising a Wombtwin workshop here in Berlin with Althea Hayton, bringing her over from the UK on Saturday 21st November 2009. The workshop will involve a background and medical introduction and then interactive workshop exercises to explore this topic in our lives and how we can bring about healing. The workshop is for you if this idea resonates for you, if you know you are a wombtwin survivor, if your child is or you think they might be, if you are a therapist who works with wombtwin survivors or just interested in this topic. The workshop will be in English, but please indicate if you are an interested German-only speaker to help us to know if we need to provide a translator!
Places are limited to 30 people, so please book early to avoid disappointment.
Location: Body Mind Institute, Schlesische str. 38 2.Hof 1.OG, 10997 Berlin Kreuzberg (U-Bhf Schlesisches Tor, S-Bhf Warschauer Str)
Price: €70 for full day Saturday 21st November 2009 from 10am - 6pm. Payment in full is required to register your place.
Tea and cake will be provided and we advise you to bring a snack for lunch.
There is an option for a Sunday morning extension to the workshop, from 10am - 2pm, for those who have attended Saturday and would like to explore the topic further. The cost for Sunday is an extra €30, payable on the day.
Friday, August 07, 2009
Resistance to change - a poem
I came across this today: (I have unearthed a lot of stuff preparing to write this book!) I think it gives one a fresh take on resistance to change that is rooted in the pre-birth experience.
SQUARE PEG
I once learned how to be a square peg, and loved one-sidely
I loved my little square peg and knew that it was good-
I loved the cold, square world we shared and thought that I was fine.
We lived in harmony, my square peg and I.
I came into a round world and I simply didn't fit:
I was a square peg in a round world and I was lost and alone.
So I learned to fit with the round world, and squashed my four sharp corners:
How I longed to be free and not to have to act a part!
I live my round life in this great round globe but my square dreams remain:
I long for a tiny, square world of long ago where I once was quite at home.
In that world I was alone, unseen, unheard, afraid.....but I was truly ME!
Here I am a false shadow of my true identity.
I will be true! I will be whole! I renounce my round and empty false self!
I will build a square prison with four corners where I will fit exactly-
There I will rest and heal the wounds of trying to be round...
I will allow only square things in my own square world.
But to the window of my square prison she comes nightly.
She speaks of love but I do not understand.
She wants my trust but she does not know my pain-
She demands relationship but I don't know what to do.
I will insist that she be square and stay with me!
I will give her corners, set her in her place!
Then we can dance the square dance to the tune that I am singing:
I will be master of my square world and she will be my friend!
But in the night I try not to hear her mourning for her round world;
In the day her sadness is not quite visible to me;
In the morning I will fill my good square life with unyielding routines
In the evening I will rest and try not to be aware.
Time passes, she leaves and I am alone.
She has taken her sadness away.
It is better now.
I am a square peg once more, and quite content.
SQUARE PEG
I once learned how to be a square peg, and loved one-sidely
I loved my little square peg and knew that it was good-
I loved the cold, square world we shared and thought that I was fine.
We lived in harmony, my square peg and I.
I came into a round world and I simply didn't fit:
I was a square peg in a round world and I was lost and alone.
So I learned to fit with the round world, and squashed my four sharp corners:
How I longed to be free and not to have to act a part!
I live my round life in this great round globe but my square dreams remain:
I long for a tiny, square world of long ago where I once was quite at home.
In that world I was alone, unseen, unheard, afraid.....but I was truly ME!
Here I am a false shadow of my true identity.
I will be true! I will be whole! I renounce my round and empty false self!
I will build a square prison with four corners where I will fit exactly-
There I will rest and heal the wounds of trying to be round...
I will allow only square things in my own square world.
But to the window of my square prison she comes nightly.
She speaks of love but I do not understand.
She wants my trust but she does not know my pain-
She demands relationship but I don't know what to do.
I will insist that she be square and stay with me!
I will give her corners, set her in her place!
Then we can dance the square dance to the tune that I am singing:
I will be master of my square world and she will be my friend!
But in the night I try not to hear her mourning for her round world;
In the day her sadness is not quite visible to me;
In the morning I will fill my good square life with unyielding routines
In the evening I will rest and try not to be aware.
Time passes, she leaves and I am alone.
She has taken her sadness away.
It is better now.
I am a square peg once more, and quite content.
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
Hoarding - a disorder of attachment?
MY MOTHERS GARDEN
In the suburban setting of a quiet tree-lined street in Granada Hills, California we see a 61 year old woman pushing a grocery cart to her front door. We watch her climb through a window covered in ivy and cob webs into her house, stepping on top of stacks of newspapers, piles of debris, rotting material, clothing, and toys; a living mass of waste that has literally pushed her out of the house and into her garden.
My Mother’s Garden is the story of Eugenia Lester whose hoarding disorder has entered a dangerous and life threatening stage. Directed by her daughter Cynthia, it documents how one family comes together to cope with their mother’s disorder and rebuild a lost sense of family. My Mother’s Garden was an official selection of the 2006 New York IFP Market and was a finalist for the IFP Socially Conscious Documentary Award. The film has also received support from the 2007 New York State Council For the Arts and the 2007 Pacific Pioneer Fund.
Director’s statement:
My personal journey through this documentary was necessary to heal the wounds of abandonment, isolation, and dependency that are often present when raised by a parent with a persistent mental illness. Though my brothers and I are now adults, we all feel a deep need for a stabilizing center for our family, a permanent place to call home. This longing for stability has caused disorder in our lives, both socially and emotionally. Through this documentary, I am applying my experience in social work, art therapy, and filmmaking to my own family. I hope that the film can be therapeutic as well as a creative work of art that will help bring awareness to the issue of mental illness and also reach others who are sympathetic to this subject matter. Cynthia Lester Director
Take a look at this
The family got her out of the house for eight weeks and they cleared it out for her. She fell into bed and into despair. "Everythings gone" she said, mourning her stuff.
It is becoming clear that hoarding is an attachment disorder, but only in the sense that the stuff stands in for something ( or maybe Someone ) else. A house filled with clutter is a mausoleum to the dead. The task of the clutterer is to hold on - never let go.
Wombtwin survivors hoard, we know that. Are hoarders wombtwin survivors? We should be asking that question, because if they are, we can help.
In the suburban setting of a quiet tree-lined street in Granada Hills, California we see a 61 year old woman pushing a grocery cart to her front door. We watch her climb through a window covered in ivy and cob webs into her house, stepping on top of stacks of newspapers, piles of debris, rotting material, clothing, and toys; a living mass of waste that has literally pushed her out of the house and into her garden.
My Mother’s Garden is the story of Eugenia Lester whose hoarding disorder has entered a dangerous and life threatening stage. Directed by her daughter Cynthia, it documents how one family comes together to cope with their mother’s disorder and rebuild a lost sense of family. My Mother’s Garden was an official selection of the 2006 New York IFP Market and was a finalist for the IFP Socially Conscious Documentary Award. The film has also received support from the 2007 New York State Council For the Arts and the 2007 Pacific Pioneer Fund.
Director’s statement:
My personal journey through this documentary was necessary to heal the wounds of abandonment, isolation, and dependency that are often present when raised by a parent with a persistent mental illness. Though my brothers and I are now adults, we all feel a deep need for a stabilizing center for our family, a permanent place to call home. This longing for stability has caused disorder in our lives, both socially and emotionally. Through this documentary, I am applying my experience in social work, art therapy, and filmmaking to my own family. I hope that the film can be therapeutic as well as a creative work of art that will help bring awareness to the issue of mental illness and also reach others who are sympathetic to this subject matter. Cynthia Lester Director
Take a look at this
The family got her out of the house for eight weeks and they cleared it out for her. She fell into bed and into despair. "Everythings gone" she said, mourning her stuff.
It is becoming clear that hoarding is an attachment disorder, but only in the sense that the stuff stands in for something ( or maybe Someone ) else. A house filled with clutter is a mausoleum to the dead. The task of the clutterer is to hold on - never let go.
Wombtwin survivors hoard, we know that. Are hoarders wombtwin survivors? We should be asking that question, because if they are, we can help.
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