I heard yesterday that my friend (who is most probably a womb twin survivor but was not open to it when I mentioned it to her) had died.
She committed suicide.
She didn't choose life. She chose death.
To die is for the pain of living to end at last. Womb twin survivors find life so very hard - just the fact that you are alive is a problem.
I will not be able to prevent many hundreds of thousands of womb twin survivors from choosing death over life in the next few years. However, I will try very, very hard to get a fresh understanding of why wonderful people like my dear friend, filled with life and humour; kind and compassionate creatures filled with love and surrounded by love, want to kill themselves. Occasionally, they succeed.
I do not understand it now, but I will. I am determined to do this. And I will take with me the spirits of the many people I have known who are womb twin survivors but who lost the battle against despair. I was unable to help them because I don't know enough. I will try to learn, but I need help.
If you ever felt suicidal, and you are a womb twin survivor, with proof or without, talk to me about your suicidal ideas and attempts. Its all confidential, you can be anonymous if you wish.
Leave a comment here or email me today and let's try and reduce this tragic waste of beautiful people.
When a twin dies before birth, the sole survivor needs help and understanding. Womb twin survivors are the sole survivors of a twin or multiple pregnancy. This group, 1 in 10 of the population, includes survivors of a stillbirth, miscarriage, abortion and a "vanishing twin" pregnancy. It is a story of a twin bond broken by death, leaving a lonely survivor.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
On being heard: or were we?
Yesterday I sat for a long time in a lonely BBC studio in Luton, eventually to be allowed to join in a programme on Irish Radio RTE.
We ended up being recorded, as "someone else ran on too long", and Heaven knows when (or indeed if) we will be broadcast.
The experience was unexpectedly painless: there was skepticism, but it was founded in the usual ignorance rather then a primitive inclination to mindlessly bully (see skeptics posts below), so there was an intelligent debate - at last!
My one wish is to be heard, not as a weirdo a fraud or a quack but as someone with a story to tell.
I go with Max Ehrmann - I will go placidly
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
The "loud and aggressive persons" have their story too, and their point to make. Largely, they are part of the 90% of the population who have absolutely no idea what we womb twin survivors are talking about. Sadly for us, a lot of them work in the media. We must learn how to listen to each other.
Meanwhile I am preparing my presentation for Saturday 24th in Dublin. If you can get there, do come, it will be a long time before I am able to come to Ireland again.
Register now, pay later
See you there!
We ended up being recorded, as "someone else ran on too long", and Heaven knows when (or indeed if) we will be broadcast.
The experience was unexpectedly painless: there was skepticism, but it was founded in the usual ignorance rather then a primitive inclination to mindlessly bully (see skeptics posts below), so there was an intelligent debate - at last!
My one wish is to be heard, not as a weirdo a fraud or a quack but as someone with a story to tell.
I go with Max Ehrmann - I will go placidly
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
The "loud and aggressive persons" have their story too, and their point to make. Largely, they are part of the 90% of the population who have absolutely no idea what we womb twin survivors are talking about. Sadly for us, a lot of them work in the media. We must learn how to listen to each other.
Meanwhile I am preparing my presentation for Saturday 24th in Dublin. If you can get there, do come, it will be a long time before I am able to come to Ireland again.
Register now, pay later
See you there!
It was broadcast the following Thursday
Saturday, April 17, 2010
A book about twins - when there was only one left
In Gent for the Twin Research conference in 2007 Abigail Progrebin, an identical twin writing a book about being a twin, thrust a microphone under my nose and asked me about my work with womb twin survivors. I spoke, as is my wont, volubly and off the top of my head. When the book, One and the Same, was finally published, there was the interview, in its entirety, as a substantial part of chapter eight.
Asked about the book and this same interview in particular, Abigail said:
I always try to let people speak for themselves and let readers decide for themselves. With this in utero twin loss I felt like I would lay this out there. I’m not sure what I think and let’s see what others think. This was really new territory as there’s no science at all to support a hunch that if you started as a twin pregnancy and ended up as a singleton that it’s going to have some kind of psychological impact somewhere down the line. But there is, and thanks to Althea Hayton it’s much more organized now, this body of anecdotal testimony from people. There’s no way to quantify whether they’re affected by it. There are a number of people in my life that say, how can you trace this? At the same time, it’s this ineffable intimacy that you have with your twin. You can’t quite describe that closeness.
More here
Its always good to get a bit of support with this - thank you Abigail!
Read more about this book
Asked about the book and this same interview in particular, Abigail said:
I always try to let people speak for themselves and let readers decide for themselves. With this in utero twin loss I felt like I would lay this out there. I’m not sure what I think and let’s see what others think. This was really new territory as there’s no science at all to support a hunch that if you started as a twin pregnancy and ended up as a singleton that it’s going to have some kind of psychological impact somewhere down the line. But there is, and thanks to Althea Hayton it’s much more organized now, this body of anecdotal testimony from people. There’s no way to quantify whether they’re affected by it. There are a number of people in my life that say, how can you trace this? At the same time, it’s this ineffable intimacy that you have with your twin. You can’t quite describe that closeness.
More here
Its always good to get a bit of support with this - thank you Abigail!
Read more about this book
Monday, April 12, 2010
A new blog for womb twin surviviors around the world
I have been trying to help people set up web sites, blogs, etc for womb twin survivors in the country where they live, so that national and local groups can eventually begin to form. A major put-off is the thought of all that technology and how to get your head around it and set something up.
We now have blogs in Ireland, Portugal and USA as well as this one which is based in England. But how to extend that number? Well I discovered:
a. These blogs are dead easy to set up and use
b. There can be more than one editor for each blog
c. I could make a world wide wombtwin blog and invite people all over the world to be editors, and so they wont need to know anything, they can just start posting and that is all they would have to do!
So I did it today, in about 40 minutes. We now have a WOMB TWIN WORLD blog.
If you want to join the team and post on this blog, please email me, using this form.
My ambition is to have a representative womb twin survivor from as many countries of the world as we can, posting here on this blog.
Can we do it? Will you join us and reach out in this way to other womb twin survivors?
We now have blogs in Ireland, Portugal and USA as well as this one which is based in England. But how to extend that number? Well I discovered:
a. These blogs are dead easy to set up and use
b. There can be more than one editor for each blog
c. I could make a world wide wombtwin blog and invite people all over the world to be editors, and so they wont need to know anything, they can just start posting and that is all they would have to do!
So I did it today, in about 40 minutes. We now have a WOMB TWIN WORLD blog.
If you want to join the team and post on this blog, please email me, using this form.
My ambition is to have a representative womb twin survivor from as many countries of the world as we can, posting here on this blog.
Can we do it? Will you join us and reach out in this way to other womb twin survivors?
Sunday, April 11, 2010
The Dublin workshop
Getting excited by this. I am preparing a new power point presentation with lots of new illustrations that I have made for the new book and they will do very well for this purpose.
Also a healing path workshop: for each individual to map out a healing path for themselves that will enable them to step out of the Black Hole and move forward in whatever way best suits them.
They sent me a press release. Here it is:
DUBLIN WORKSHOP
Also a healing path workshop: for each individual to map out a healing path for themselves that will enable them to step out of the Black Hole and move forward in whatever way best suits them.
They sent me a press release. Here it is:
DUBLIN WORKSHOP
Monday, April 05, 2010
Should I suggest to this person that they are a womb twin survivor?
He is very dependent on me. He doesn't seem to be able to stand alone. He makes me responsible for his happiness. He doesnt seem to trust to relationships to last and remain of themselves - he seems to think that he must work to make them work, to keep his friends - to make people love him. He rescues them again and again but it is he who needs to be rescued. He is open wide and vulnerable and he has come to me. He needs help. The deep well of loneliness inside him keeps him apart, always on the edge never in the centre of things. It is screamingly obvious to me that that he is a womb twin survivor, but like so many, he has no idea.
But if I say, what will happen? Will he fixate on this idea and make it the reason why he feels so helpless and alone? Will it help? Will it only add to his problems?
Its SO hard to have this information, this explanation. The information heals of itself. I know that. But should I say? I have been warned off, told that I am just peddling a new kind of fantasy to add to all the rest. My counselling supervisor said that in 2002, which is why I stopped working with clients and took a sabbatical to concentrate on this research.
No I will not tell this person he is a womb twin survivor, or even suggest it. Its best he discovers it for himself. In fact, I am resolved: I will never tell anyone myself, ever again. I will just go on with the book. When the book is out there the information will heal, of itself. I must not be turned into a kind of guru with some kind of magical healing power - that would be a nonsense. If I keep mentioning it, then it will cheapen the whole thing, like I have found a new hammer and I am making everyone into a nail.
Silence, then, but not with the people who come to me with their stories of discovery, like this person, who said:
I just felt compelled to type in "missing twins" or something similar, to Google, and there were all these articles. It was a bit overwhelming, I felt I couldn't read it all at once, but so many things "rang a bell".
With this person I can discuss all the aspects of being a womb twin survivor that I have found, but they are in charge. Its their idea. That's the best way.
Chapter nine now- "Vanishing twins" revealed.
But if I say, what will happen? Will he fixate on this idea and make it the reason why he feels so helpless and alone? Will it help? Will it only add to his problems?
Its SO hard to have this information, this explanation. The information heals of itself. I know that. But should I say? I have been warned off, told that I am just peddling a new kind of fantasy to add to all the rest. My counselling supervisor said that in 2002, which is why I stopped working with clients and took a sabbatical to concentrate on this research.
No I will not tell this person he is a womb twin survivor, or even suggest it. Its best he discovers it for himself. In fact, I am resolved: I will never tell anyone myself, ever again. I will just go on with the book. When the book is out there the information will heal, of itself. I must not be turned into a kind of guru with some kind of magical healing power - that would be a nonsense. If I keep mentioning it, then it will cheapen the whole thing, like I have found a new hammer and I am making everyone into a nail.
Silence, then, but not with the people who come to me with their stories of discovery, like this person, who said:
I just felt compelled to type in "missing twins" or something similar, to Google, and there were all these articles. It was a bit overwhelming, I felt I couldn't read it all at once, but so many things "rang a bell".
With this person I can discuss all the aspects of being a womb twin survivor that I have found, but they are in charge. Its their idea. That's the best way.
Chapter nine now- "Vanishing twins" revealed.
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