New Year resolutions for womb twin survivors?

What could they be?


To decide that this will be the year you begin, or make progress with, the womb twin work:

• Acknowledging that yes, you are a womb twin survivor and yes, it has been a problem all your life
• Deciding to do something about that
• Finding out about twins and twinning, the "vanishing twin phenomenon", dermoid cysts and all the other signs and indications that you once had a twin

(See the whole list here)

• Recognising how the way you feel about life, your whole world view in fact was formed before you were born and the loss of your womb twin was an important aspect of that
• Letting go of resentment and bitterness over past hurts - see how you hold on to that pain
• Clearing clutter from your mind, your heart , your life and your home
• Honouring your womb twin in some way

 Make a memorial, perhaps?


What will your resolution be? Leave a comment to let us know,  let's encourage each other!


( What is mine? To put up a post for every day of 2011 on this blog. Will I make it?  Follow this blog and see! )

The death of a twin: the same story, again and again

Some  of the 90% of  the population who have no experience of twin loss claim to know that womb twin survivors "make it all up"; that they are seizing on this idea to "explain all their troubles away." Yet time and again I hear the same story. Here is an example. 

More than half a century has passed since Mary Billingdon’s twin sister was stillborn. Here, Mary talks about the sister she always felt was missing from her life, and the heartache it has caused her.

Mary and her sister Rosemarie were delivered in April 1953 after their mother Elizabeth was rushed into hospital suffering from pre-eclampsia. All three lives were at stake and doctors battled to save mother and both children. They managed to save Elizabeth and deliver Mary safely, at just 3lb 7oz. But Rosemarie was stillborn and weighed a whole pound less than her sister.

Mary recalls: "Mum was 29 and we were to be her first babies. She never really got over losing Rosemarie. In those days, people didn’t like to talk about such things, it was out of sight, out of mind.

"But Mum always introduced me to people as ‘one of the twins’, it was as though she didn’t want to let her go.

"I missed my sister right from the beginning. While other children had imaginary friends, I had Rosemarie. I’d sit on the bus and if someone tried to sit on the seat I’d immediately say: ‘Don’t sit on my twin sister!’ Our nanna, who was with me, would be embarrassed, but I was adamant Rosemarie needed somewhere to sit," she said.

Mary said: "Right from an early age I felt something was missing from my life – it was as though there was a part of me missing that could never be replaced. Mum had never hidden from me that I should have had a twin sister and I grew up knowing about her from the start.

"The bond between twins starts early in the womb. We had shared a placenta and an amniotic sac, and after our birth I still felt there was a bond that would never be broken. I remember playing with twins at school, desperately wishing Rosemarie was still alive so we could all play together.

"I had close friends but I still felt lonely and longed for my twin. I chose twins as friends so I could see what it was really like – what it would have been like if she had been there too. I was envious of those twins, who had each other while I had to pretend," she added.

"As I grew older, guilt crept in – guilt that I had lived and Rosemarie hadn’t. While I was staying with my nanna once I asked why I had survived and not Rosemarie. She joked: ‘you were the greedy one, you were a whole pound heavier’, but I was just seven years old and I took her words literally and blamed myself.

"For years I carried that burden around, feeling guilty that I’d survived and not you. I tried to compensate by being over generous to people, anxious not to be seen as greedy.

"It wasn’t until mum died nine years later that I finally realised it wasn’t my fault. As she lay dying of bowel cancer we talked a lot about you. She reassured me that I wasn’t to blame.

"Every time I look in a mirror I think of her. We were identical twins and I think we would have led identical lives. I think she would have been a nurse, like me.

"I wonder if she’d have looked exactly like me, dressed alike. I remember when I was eighteen, mum and I were shopping when a man stopped us and admired my legs. Mum was horrified but I wondered what he would have thought if Rosemarie had been there too, in an identical skirt. We could have hit the catwalk as twin models," she laughed.

Shortly after her 18th birthday, Mary’s best friend Heather died in a car crash.

"I was devastated at losing Heather. Over the years I’d always tried to compensate for not having Rosemarie by having very close relationships with my friends. In a way they were substitutes for her, and I felt doubly devastated by Heather's death.

"My one regret is that I can only talk to Rosemarie in my head because I have no grave to sit beside. When she was buried in a tiny white coffin. The church decided to put her into a grave that was being dug for another body so that they didn’t need to dig a tiny hole.

"We never knew which one she was in. I have recently trained as a bereavement counsellor and it has finally helped me come to terms with her death. I am helping other people who have lost babies and twins and I feel I am putting my grief to good use.

"I am now at peace with my past and hope one day I will be reunited with my twin after a lifetime apart."

This is her story

Womb twin survivors are not making it up. The twin bond was formed in the womb but broken by death and needs to be grieved normally, freely and publicly.  But first we need to overcome this block that exists in some peoples minds,  that this is nothing but a fantasy.

90% of the population have no experience and do not understand - how dare they claim to know anything about this!  It makes me really angry.

Multifetal pregnancy reduction: what about the survivors?

I read this today:

Assisted reproductive technology (ART) and fertility drugs have greatly increased the number of multiple pregnancies in America.  The goal of MFPR is to increase the chance of a successful, healthy pregnancy. Multifetal pregnancy reduction:

• Is usually done early in a pregnancy, between the 9th and 12th weeks
• Is most often performed when there are four or more fetuses present.
• Can be used to reduce triplets to twins. This practice makes the fetuses' chances of a healthy outcome the same as that of the average twin pregnancy.
• Is known as "selective termination" when it involves a fetus with severe defects or one that is expected to die later in the pregnancy, which would threaten the life of the surviving fetus or fetuses. A multifetal pregnancy reduction improves your chances of avoiding miscarriage, carrying your pregnancy longer, and delivering one or more healthy babies.. Read more here

My thoughts: 
The loss of a triplet doesn't create a pair of twins. It leaves a pair of triplet survivors.
MFPR is a terrible decision for parents to make.


More...... 
Medical staff try to persuade women to go for single embryo transfer in IVF so there are not so many multiple conceptions:


The decision to reduce one or more fetuses is extremely complicated, and numerous factors must be considered, since the procedure has risks, such as loss of the entire pregnancy or preterm labor and birth of the remaining fetuses. In addition, there are also psychological risks for the mother. Typically women faced with this decision have struggled for years with infertility and now they are asked to consider terminating one or more of the fetuses to prevent morbidity and/or mortality in others. Nurses who work with infertile women may be able to assist in minimizing the need for multifetal pregnancy reduction by educating women about the risks associated with assisted reproductive technologies and higher order multifetal pregnancy before decisions are made about multiple embryo transfers or intrauterine insemination after ovulation induction. more......


I'm glad they are considering the psychological risks for the mother, but what about the effect on the survivors?  There are plenty of little womb triplet or quadruplet survivors toddling about now, who will probably never be told that their parents decided to "reduce" their brothers and sisters.
I hope that this work with womb twin survivors will provide the insights that the psychologists will need in a few years time to help these kids.

When one of your twins has died - what can you do?

I read this today:

I am now carrying a single twin. I only found out one week ago that my second baby had "miscarried," as my doctor put it. I was 15 weeks along, but it appears to have happened close to a month before. I am reeling because of all of this. I have to admit that I have always had a sixth sense about things, but when I feared for one of my babies I tried to tell myself that I was just worrying too much. We were so excited about having twins.

We knew they were fraternal twins and we have the scan to prove it. It was to say the least, devastating news. I knew however that I had to hold myself together for the sake of the surviving twin and my other children. So I began to search the internet for information about what I was going through. I immediately came across the term "vanishing twin syndrome." I was shocked at what I read. I knew that such an occurrence was possible, but never could I have imagined how often it really does happen.

My concern is the effect on the surviving twin. I want to be honest with him/her when the time comes, but I am very concerned about the emotional impact of this. It sounds like from what I've read here that some people realize this without ever being told. I really hate to think of my child suffering throughout his/her life because of this loss. And being tied to something that is not tangible. It is hard enough to grow up strong and independent. Like other parents I just want to protect my baby....It just seems odd to think about communicating with someone...who really isn't there. To feel like someone is a big part of your life who isn't there seems really odd. I wonder if this could be mistaken for schizophrenia? I guess I just need help and understanding. I want to learn how to cope and prepare for when this child gets older.

Mothers should not be left to cope alone with worries such as this.  Why do the professionals not realise how important it is to provide full information and support for mothers who have lost one  twin?

I cant get my book published fast enough. It's almost there.... just a few more weeks.  See here

A parasitic twin, now vanished.

This little boy in India carried his twin as a parasitic set of limbs for many years until it was removed.


THE PARASITIC TWIN

Eight-year-old Indian boy Deepak Kumar Paswaan was born with body parts of his twin attached to the chest. The phenomenon, also known as "conjoined twin syndrome" or "vanishing twin syndrome" occurs when twin fetuses don't completely separate in utero. One ceases to develop and becomes absorbed into the healthy fetus. The undeveloped twin is called parasitic because it is dependent on the body functions of the healthy twin to live.

Deepak was called "octopus boy" by some of the locals and was even accused of being the devil in a human body. Fortunately, thanks to the help of some volunteers, enough money was raised to have the parasitic twin removed.


I wonder if he feels a sense of loss now?

I hear from womb twin survivors who have surgery to remove their twin in the form of a dermoid cyst, teratoma,  foetus in foetu or parasitic body parts, and who feel that sense of mourning and loss after surgery.

Read about how it felt for Deepak (known as octopus boy) to be eight years old with a parastitic twin that twitched in spasms which he could not control.

Read about how the surgery to remove his twin has changed his life.

The death of a twin at birth - a new play

Hallo I must be going

A new play for the New York fringe theatre

FringeNYC Festival Review
Martin Denton · August 14, 2010

Hello, I Must Be Going begins with the sound of Groucho Marx singing the song of that title; the paradox of that lyric is at the heart of this drama by Albi Gorn, though not, in general, its fractured sense of humor. The play concerns Harvey, who when we first meet him is just a few days shy of his 50th birthday and also about to be a father, for the first time, of twins. But he's saddled with ambivalence because his father, Maury, has recently suffered a debilitating stroke that has left him unable to speak and paralyzed on his right side. And then very real tragedy strikes when one of the twins is stillborn. (The other, a healthy boy, is named Julius—Julie for short—in honor of Groucho, whose real name was Julius Marx.)

Gorn's play explores how happiness and sorrow co-mingle in the lives of Harvey and his wife, Emma, as they celebrate the birth of their son, mourn the loss of their little girl, and try to come to terms with Maury's fading health. The play is adventurous, in places: Maury is represented by two actors, one of whom speaks his thoughts and also portrays him as a younger man in a series of flashback scenes depicting Harvey's relationship with his Dad over the years. More interestingly, the unborn children are played by adult actors who speak their "thoughts" from inside the womb; and baby Julie also is seen to speak his own, very grown-up thoughts even as he "acts" like the tiny infant that he is.

For me, the most interesting idea raised by the play was how the death of a twin in the womb might affect the survivor: Gorn theorizes that Julie misses his sister rather severely, though he seems hopeful about Julie's ultimate ability to overcome this trauma.    More here

You tube Interview with Albi Gorn

Is this another womb twin survivor, I wonder?  His latest play is about forgiveness,  that's a big issue for womb twin survivors........

Events for womb twin survivors in 2011....

I've been updating the Wombtwin.com Facebook page to include several events for next year.  

(All dates will include book signings where requested!)

• Lunches in Nottingham, Portsmouth and London with me and others.
• A workshop in New York City with me, Monica and Barbara
• A free public meeting with illustrated presentation by me November 18th
• Our annual conference 19/20 November
• The Wombtwin.com Annual general meeting for members and special guests.

Take a look here:

Womb twin lunches, England 2011

We have booked the dates for our womb twin lunches for 2011.  If you can get there please come!

Womb twin day 2010 (21st December 2010)

Greetings to all womb twin survivors around the world on Womb Twin day. I hope that this day can be special for you, whatever stage you are at along the healing path.

If you are just awakening to the possibility that you, or someone dear to you, is a womb twin survivor, then I wish you well on the journey you have just begun, for once you have awakened to the idea, it will not leave you alone until you have processed it completely. Your first step on the healing path has already been taken. (Free stuff here to get you started)

If you have just set out on the healing path - and maybe have the ebook as a guide - than I hope you will explore the links on the web site so you can know as much as possible about what can happen when a co twin dies. There are dozens of possible scenarios and only one applies to you, so keep on learning more.

If you have been on the healing path for a while but are losing impetus, remember that you may be resisting healing. Here is a little movie to spur you on:  view it here

If you are getting to the end of your healing path and its time to honour your twin's death by a funeral ritual or a ritual of remembrance, today may be a good day to do it. Chose earth, fire, air or water as your element, and conduct a burial, a burning, or a release into the air or onto water. I have been an assistant at many rituals of this kind and mixed with the sadness is a lightness and joy - if that is your choice, do let me know how you got on.

Lastly, if you have conducted your ritual and have said goodbye to your twin, (perhaps more than one if you are the survivor of a multiple conception) it may be good to create a memorial. We have our new memorial site and we welcome new memorials, so why not take a look? Details here.

I will be thinking of you on 21st.  Please let us know what you did and I will put it on this blog.

I am always here, I answer emails as quickly as I can, and it's all free of charge. You can find articles, stories, movies and poetry on my Womb Twin Survivors web site.

The New Year 2011 will bring the publication of my new book, "Womb Twin Survivors ; the lost twin in the Dream of the Womb. " Details here.

I am very excited that this book is almost finished, after many years of researching it and nearly two years of writing it. I hope it will help many of you to heal this overlooked and profound primal wound, which we womb twin survivors all share, and which can be healed.

With best wishes for a peaceful and healing experience on Womb Twin Day.

Althea.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Here are some words of encouragement for you on this special day, from other womb twin survivors who have made the journey:

We are celebrating the opportunity to spread out the joy and share the pain of our early begin as twins. Congratulations to you all!, and let's keep close to each other, because that’s so cozy, and it makes us strong and reassured! Claudia, Portugal.

–----------------------------------------------------------------

An important reminder to all the special Womb Twin Survivors this holiday season: The gift of a SELF is the best gift of all!

Healing from Womb Twin Loss, and becoming a SELF - who deserves to live and celebrate the rituals of living, is possible. Not only is this a gift you can give yourself, it's also the gift that keeps giving to those around you all year round!

I feel stronger this holiday than ever before, thanks to the miraculous healing work I've experienced this year, and can honestly say for the first time ever that I am not sad at my birthday & twin loss time of year. This is historically the worst black-hole time of year for me (as it is for many others) and so far I feel an abundance of love and strength where there once was fear, anxiety and desolation. I feel so at peace that I don't even know if I can call myself a "survivor" right now, I just want to BE. All is as it's meant to be...aaah!

Just saying that feels like I've collapsed on top of Mt. Everest in surrender and accomplishment! What a journey it's been. Stay on Althea's Healing Path...it works.

With gratitude to Althea Hayton for figuring this out and having the courage to put it out there.

Until we all get to our Mt. Everest moments, we must remember to be kind to ourselves and appreciate how special we are. (I wouldn't want to be any other way!)

Meanwhile, here's a quote from Henry Wadsworth Longfellow: "Know how sublime it is to suffer and be strong"

Best wishes to all for a New Year filled with strength and togetherness. Womb love, Monica, USA.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Please persist--it is worth it! Being a womb twin allows us special experiences, and when brought to light, everything starts falling into place. I am somewhere in the middle of my journey, maybe just scratching the surface, but my life has changed more radically in the last 8 months than in the years and years of trying to understand what was "wrong." Thank you to my womb twins for giving me this life, and a super extra thank you to Althea for her incredible discoveries and dedication to helping all of us! Barbara, USA

-------------------------------------------------------------------

If you have any similar encouraging messages, feel free to add your comment - we are all in this together!

Identical twins developing: amazing movie clip

When you see what can happen, how identical twins can have very different life paths, then you can see how one may die and the other survive, to be born alone and always missing their "other half".

A womb twin survivor obsesses about death

Take a look here at someone who talks like a womb twin survivor BUT who it seems has absolutely no idea why she feels this way.

If you have ever felt this way, then take another look : is it possible that you are a womb twin survivor? Is it possible that there is a very good reason why you feel like you should never have been born?

view utube now

John Lennon - womb twin survivor

This week we remember the tragic death of John Lennon, and as a consequence there  is a great deal of discussion about his  wild personality and crazy lifestyle, his dysfunctional relationships and his great genuis. However few people realise that here is another womb twin survivor who never knew what was wrong.

I have written about him before here.    I have also written about borderline personality disorder, which accurately decribes this tortured genuis in psychiatric terms, but this is no psychiatric disorder. John Lennon was a perfectly normal  womb twin survivor, but he did not know that there was hope and healing for him, if he had only known who to ask for it. He tried primal therapy, which suggests that he was pondering on some early trauma, but Janovs work did not go back far  enough. If he had gone back to the earliest time in the womb he would have found  his lost twin sister. Then he would have understood and his life would have made sense at last.

If you visit  the CNN site you can hear his son Julian speak about his father, who abandoned him many times.  So many womb twin survivors, so afraid of abandonment, are the ones who leave. On the same site you can also see David Sheff,in  "The lost weekend".  He wrote about John Lennon and knew him better than most.  Hear him say that John "wanted to die".

Womb twin survivors will be familar with this idea, as sucidal ideation is common, even among children. But its not so much a desire to die but a failure to fully arrive in the world; to live half here and half elsewhere, so that you dont care if you live or die.

My new book, "Womb twin survivors, the lost twin in the Dream of the Womb", and the entire eight years of work that lie behind the creation of it, is dedicated to the memory of all those womb twin survivors who did  not win their lifelong battle against despair, just because there was no one who understood why it hurt them so much to be alive.