Sunday, November 20, 2011

A healing path (3) The black hole: death

In the Black Hole, were you spend a great deal of your life - if not your whole life -  lies a memory of death.  It's not your own death,  but the death of your womb twin, and therein lies the confusion that is causing the problem,

There are many ways to relive the story of the life and death of your womb twin.  Here is what one womb twin survivor told me of her story:
In my mind is the idea -  things were always a Certain Way and then they were Different.  I know I am recreating the Dream when suddenly I feel that everything is WRONG. I think, "I am WRONG." So it's fine for all the negative things around me to reinforce that I am correct that everything is / I am wrong.
I know I make negative things happen, that my glass is always half empty, always the negative take. 

For a long time I tried to starve to go with him – to die as well.   I wanted - and I want now, every day -  I want to go.   It is the only way I feel I will get peace .  I don’t want to live, yet don’t want to kill myself. I 've been at that place so many times – I know it's the guilt of living

When I think of death I think who cares?  Life doesn’t mean anything.   Life means staying here without him, my twin brother... I go into self destruct with anger at being left, with that desire to leave.  It's like death beckons. I try a drinking binge, a food binge – just a craving to be out of this space, out of this life.  

I would welcome death – I have always wanted it so we could be together again. I used to fantasise about my death  with everyone being devastated and attending my funeral, and saying wonderful things about me. I  want  them at last  to know how I have felt all these years.  Maybe then they would appreciate how ‘hard’ life is for me  - that was my thinking. 
It is living I am afraid of – I don’t know how to do it without this endless re-run.  The dream idea makes sense.  I live through a fog,  sometimes breaking through to happiness and love, but usually cocooned in this dream state  - a nightmare state, that I fear I will never be free of...
Its a dream of Hell.

Just in front of my eyes, it is like a matrix through which I always view the world. Like a dark, mysterious cloud whirling through the primal places of my unconscious mind, this dream is my way of being. In the light of day, however hard I try, I cannot see through the cloud obscuring the meaning of this dream. It is with me always, I cannot remember a time without this dream. In the dark hours of solitude when there is no one there and all there is is emptiness and stillness, out of the corner of my eye, I catch the faintest glimmer of gold. It is elusive but it is always there, and it give me hope. It is like a light tempting me with the revelation of what came before the dream. I am convinced nothing existed before the dream. The Dream is all I have. 

One day you will be free of this Dream. One day you will awaken from the Dream and be free at last to live life to the full - but not just yet.  There is more work to be done. 

More tomorrow!

3 comments:

  1. Oh I really feel the exact same thing in me..
    I always have nightmare dreams...
    and there is a strange sense of fear of pain...
    I mean pain that transfers you to death...but there haven´t been any deaths in my family at all...except my twin...
    although I long to die my whole life, there is that fear of pain that keeps me alive...
    but I´ve always seen life itself as a hard trial...
    I´ve always had self destructive behavior and realistic thoughts about my own death (=plans)...especially when I had been in realtionships...
    for me the world is on one side and I am at the opposite side...always alone...without any help...without any connection...and it feels right...that´s the way it is meant to be...
    that´s my dream of the womb, I believe...
    and I even feel guilty to step forward in healing...so I don´t want to heal...
    will that stop one day?

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  2. thank you so much for this video...it is so beautiful...I´ve always loved the stars...adorable!

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  3. I, too, had been mired in the Dream of Hell for several decades, every now and then being granted a brief respite to come out and see the beautiful golden light of joy and love...what I wanted most was to feel at peace, to feel that deepest of understanding that always eluded me with my earthly relationships. Once I realized that it really is my missing twin with whom I had the most primal relationship, I could relax and let the darkness float away, and see the beautifulm glowing light that is my twin, who will always surround me with her unconditional love and acceptance. That is what I wish so fervently for everyone in our wombtwin family...complete peace. It will happen for all of us. Remember, you are all precious.

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