In my mind is the idea - things were always a Certain Way and then they were Different. I know I am recreating the Dream when suddenly I feel that everything is WRONG. I think, "I am WRONG." So it's fine for all the negative things around me to reinforce that I am correct that everything is / I am wrong.I know I make negative things happen, that my glass is always half empty, always the negative take.
For a long time I tried to starve to go with him – to die as well. I wanted - and I want now, every day - I want to go. It is the only way I feel I will get peace . I don’t want to live, yet don’t want to kill myself. I 've been at that place so many times – I know it's the guilt of living
When I think of death I think who cares? Life doesn’t mean anything. Life means staying here without him, my twin brother... I go into self destruct with anger at being left, with that desire to leave. It's like death beckons. I try a drinking binge, a food binge – just a craving to be out of this space, out of this life.
I would welcome death – I have always wanted it so we could be together again. I used to fantasise about my death with everyone being devastated and attending my funeral, and saying wonderful things about me. I want them at last to know how I have felt all these years. Maybe then they would appreciate how ‘hard’ life is for me - that was my thinking.
Its a dream of Hell.It is living I am afraid of – I don’t know how to do it without this endless re-run. The dream idea makes sense. I live through a fog, sometimes breaking through to happiness and love, but usually cocooned in this dream state - a nightmare state, that I fear I will never be free of...
Just in front of my eyes, it is like a matrix through which I always view the world. Like a dark, mysterious cloud whirling through the primal places of my unconscious mind, this dream is my way of being. In the light of day, however hard I try, I cannot see through the cloud obscuring the meaning of this dream. It is with me always, I cannot remember a time without this dream. In the dark hours of solitude when there is no one there and all there is is emptiness and stillness, out of the corner of my eye, I catch the faintest glimmer of gold. It is elusive but it is always there, and it give me hope. It is like a light tempting me with the revelation of what came before the dream. I am convinced nothing existed before the dream. The Dream is all I have.
One day you will be free of this Dream. One day you will awaken from the Dream and be free at last to live life to the full - but not just yet. There is more work to be done.