My whole life I felt like half a person and swore everyone else could see it as well. My earliest memory of my childhood was when I was a little girl of about 3 years old. I just knew I was a twin and always looked for her every where I went. My sister, who is 3 years older than me, even told me that I started asking about my twin as soon as I could talk. Through out my childhood I tried talking to my mother but she would only provide me with a few details.
She had difficulty becoming pregnant and when she went to the doctor he informed her she was having twins as he heard two heartbeats. She is unsure at what point it happened but she started to bleed and had cramps. Then the doctor only heard one heartbeat and told her that there was only one baby left. When I was born, at 39.5 weeks by c-section, the doctors found a "cyst" it contained hair, teeth, nails & a spinal cord. The doctor confirmed that in fact my mother miscarried my twin.
When I was in the 1st grade I had moved to a different state and met a girl in my class that looked a lot like me. I became obsessed with the fact everyone thought we were twins but it just wasn't the same. A few years later we moved away again and lost touch with her. She was the last friend I felt I could fully trust and be close to.
It wasn't until I was 21 that I saw a show about vanishing twins. I was overwhelmed with all sorts of emotions because for the first time in my life everything just made sense. That night I sat down and talked to my mother. She admitted her amazement in how I always knew I was a twin without ever being told. I was always & still am convinced I had an identical twin sister.
My whole life I have struggled with relationships. I fear letting people get close to me. I have always had a large group of friends but none that I am close with. The only close friends I have are my older sister & husband. Its still hard though letting them see my whole self.
I always want to "save" or "heal" everyone. Many teachers have told my mother or other teachers that I was colorful and different but in a good way. I isolate myself but want to be surrounded by many friends at the same time. I drive myself crazy with how I have to do everything perfectly & with no ones help. If it isn't perfect it can "drive me crazy" until I finally get it right.
I have always been able to sense spirits and can tell when bad things will happen. Nights are the most difficult. I've always been afraid of the dark & afraid to sleep alone. It's at this point I can feel spirits and sometimes hear or see something. I am now forcing myself for the first time to fully accept what happened and I named my twin. I know my twin has always walked beside me and always will. I just can't help but think every day what it would of been like to grow up with her and have her physically here.
When a twin dies before birth, the sole survivor needs help and understanding. Womb twin survivors are the sole survivors of a twin or multiple pregnancy. This group, 1 in 10 of the population, includes survivors of a stillbirth, miscarriage, abortion and a "vanishing twin" pregnancy. It is a story of a twin bond broken by death, leaving a lonely survivor.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your sister. I don't have the proof you do, but I've always felt very similar to the way you described feeling. I too believe I had an identical twin sister and I spent a lot of time in school searching for someone who looked like me and could be my very best friend. I wanted a friend that would be so close to me, we could read each others thoughts. Of course I was always disappointed. I also feel spirits and am afraid to sleep alone in the dark. I'm very empathic as well, and tend too try and "save" every person or animal I think needs help. I can't even watch the news due to all the violence and sad stories.Isn't it interesting how we all have similar feelings and experiences? We really are just a big family!
ReplyDeleteWhat you two wrote could have been written from me, I see myself in both stories! I also had an identical twin sister who I was looking for in school and general in life. As a child and even teenager I asked my mother several times if she had given away my twin sister at birth. She said no and I didn't believe her! I wrote in my diary how much I wanted a twin sister and how better life would be. I'm always disappointed with people and cannot let anyone get close to me, yet I always wanna help people and animals and suffer with them. (I can't watch the news, too, too painful.) I've had troubles sleeping since I was a baby. And much more. I'm just glad that I can relate all my feelings now. I think I would've gone insane if I had not found out about the missing twin thing, I would have looked at myself as completly out of touch with reality.
ReplyDelete