I had an identical twin sister in the womb, but due to Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome she died approximately 3 months before we were due to be born. My mother did not tell me anything whatsoever about her until I was 16 years old (I am now nearly 19), but throughout my childhood I had an imaginary friend whom I pretended was my "twin sister", and have always had feelings I could never quite describe properly, but which have related to feeling incomplete, or inadequate.
Ever since I found out about the existence of my sister, I've felt many different things.
Grief primarily, but also anger at my parents for not telling me, anger at the hospital for not being able to stop it, anxiety that I have greatly upset my parents by having these reactions, as well as worrying that I have hugely overreacted to the entire situation, as I didn't even know her.
These feelings come and go, but can occasionally be almost overwhelming. It has even lead to me using my very active imagination to invent situations where my sister somehow survived, and was brought up in secret by another family, and that someday I will have a chance meeting with her.
I have no idea how to stop such feelings, and imagine that they will carry on indefinitely, until I achieve some form of closure.
This is made difficult by the method my parents have found easiest, which is to not think about it or discuss it at all; for example, she has no name, though my mother once told me I could give her a name if I wanted.
Sometimes I think of her as having my middle name, but other times it just doesn't feel right. Now, it feels like I have hit a dead end. I am wary of discussing the matter further with my parents in case it upsets them, and I simply don't know what I can do to move on.
How to name your twin and make a special online memorial on the Womb Twin site.
When a twin dies before birth, the sole survivor needs help and understanding. Womb twin survivors are the sole survivors of a twin or multiple pregnancy. This group, 1 in 10 of the population, includes survivors of a stillbirth, miscarriage, abortion and a "vanishing twin" pregnancy. It is a story of a twin bond broken by death, leaving a lonely survivor.
I can totally relate and empathize with you. You are fortunate that your parents told you at all; some of us are never told for our entire lives. Your feelings that you have described are all normal and part of the grief process in any loss. But what matters most is YOU. Your parents have dealt with their loss in their way for 19 years, but your way of coping will be different, because you are feeling the loss from another, deeper angle that they cannot understand. I have found that naming my twin was one of the most positive things I could do for MYSELF. This could simply be a name that just appeals to you or may seem to come out of the air! You will find that when you finally name your twin, you will feel better and like you have achieved something that previously couldn't be done. You will probably feel like you and she are even closer, more bonded and have as close and real a relationship as if she were here physically. I have found over many years that my sister is here with me through thick and thin, and its so comforting! Why shouldn't these precious souls have names? We love them dearly! I recently bought a special Christmas ornament that was personalized with my sister's name. It is so special and wonderful to see it on my tree, and its like she's an angel hovering on a branch. Good luck with everything!! Your wombtwin family loves you and cares about you.
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