Thursday, August 01, 2013

Story 1: I am two people in one

I know very little about my mother's pregnancy or my birth - I haven't asked and am almost afraid of what I would find if I did.

I do know that there were some problems with pregnancy, as my mum did say she experienced two miscarriages, one before my birth and one before my sister's. (I have a sister who is 2 1/2 years younger than me. I myself am 15 and female.) My parents are separated, due to many evils of my "father" ( I refuse to call him that.) I do know, through court documents I may have broken the law by reading, that my "father" had troubles with his first wife (not my mother) in that they couldn't get pregnant, and the courts claimed there were medical documents declaring that he had no sperm. He claimed he did, but less, and some were dead, etc.

I have suspected for a long time that I might be adopted (perhaps a wish to escape my "father") but also I feel that I had a twin. I have asked my mum if I ever had a twin and she denies it, though I am not sure if I should believe it due to various lies in my mother's marriage and the fact that she did not tell me about the miscarriages until recently.

I tend to feel very alone and very different - and everyone who knows me will agree about the "different" part. I have a strong personality, and the tendency to go through very strong obsessional phases  - one week I will dress bohemian and be convinced I'm moving to the Bahamas; the next I will sport eyeliner and chains, listening to hard rock and ranting about the band who plays it. You can meet me on two separate dates and have no clue you met the same person.

I believe now I may be starting to even out, but iI am not sure; in each of my obsessions i am convinced it will last forever, until it ends a short while later. I remember being six or so and having thirteen stuffed unicorns, convinced I was going to catch one and searching the yard constantly, until i moved to horses, and then the book series "Animorphs" and them Harry Potter....and so on and so forth.

I have friends but for every friend I have fifty enemies; people hate me for who I am. Due to the divorce and financial issues I have plenty of stress, and have cycled through anger, rebellion, depression, eating disorders, etc. I constantly feel that no one, no matter who, will every truly understand me - but I'm sure that if I have or had a twin, they would.

I am a hopeless romantic and bisexual, loving people as strongly as I loathe them - I want nothing more than a twin, someone who would be my soulmate and stop my mad search for someone to complete me.

I don't mean to be romantically involved necessarily, but I always imagine little details of how our relationship would work- she would hold me when I was sad and vice versa, I could do her hair and she mine, we would hold hands when we walk and sit side pressed to side on sofas.

I may not know for certain if I had or have a twin (she may have been adopted- I'm looking at all possibilities) but in any situation, I someday wish to see her- meet her here, in heaven, somewhere, for if she is nothing more than my imagination and even in heaven I am told I have no twin, I will not want to exist, in the afterlife or otherwise.

Maybe that's why I do not ask my mum any deep questions; I wouldn't be able to take a definitive "no" answer - and yet I search on my own, hoping for proof that I am not eternally alone.

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