Saturday, August 10, 2013

Story 10: My mother blurted it out when I was 17

Growing up I had always wanted to be a twin and constantly expressed this desire to my mother.
I went to school throughout middle and high school with two sets of twins and always longed to be them! When I was 17 years old, and whining as usual about my desire to be a twin, my mother blurted out "You were a twin, OK?"

I was shocked....not believing her though. I called my grandmother and she confirmed that when my mother was about 5-6 months pregnant, she began bleeding. The doctors told her that they would be able to do nothing for her unless she wanted me to be harmed in the process. Naturally nothing was done.

I was born about 2 weeks premature (back then it was considered premature) and was of normal size. However, there was a second placenta. At this time I am not aware as to what extent my twin was formed. But I can tell you that after researching this website and a few other articles, I know the bond  that formed with my twin has profoundly affected my life and I am now seeking help to put the pieces together.

I am writing this "story" on the 3rd day of me coming across the "Womb Twin Survivor" and "Twinless Twin" information.  I am not only in shock and devastated but at the same time.....happy and hopeful! Which has actually been how my life has always played out.

I was born in June and therefore, am a Gemini, I have always felt that I had a "double personality;" not as in Bi-Polar, but as in feeling like I were literally two different people sometimes within my thoughts and mind. I could never pinpoint why and always felt like I was different from everyone; like I was the "weird one."

There were times when I would be at the babysitter's house in the very early morning (laying on the couch trying to go to sleep before everyone else got up to go to school) and I would get these feelings that my life, my world wasn't real. I would get the same feeling at different times and situations throughout my life.

I have always had a fascination with twins. I watch any and all documentaries that I can find and from time to time, searched the internet for information on the telepathy type connection that twins seem to have. I have read in the Womb Twin Survivor information that many survivors will have a fascination with mirrors or constantly talk to themselves in mirrors, I am assuming, trying to channel their twin.

For me, the talking isn't done in front of a mirror. I actually have always talked to myself inside my head; which I am assuming is pretty normal.  Most people have discussions with themselves at some point in their lives in order to make decisions,etc. Where I am different and fit more with the twin aspect is that I have always said "we" in my head instead of "I".  For example instead of saying "I need to take my clothes to the cleaners," I would say,"We need to take our clothes to the cleaners".

 I had never thought anything of it until I found out about my birth and the fact that I was a twin. It actually wasn't anything I even realized I did until I was told I was a twin and then I started looking back on parallels within my life and the possibility of having that twin connection.

When my husband and I decided to start trying to get pregnant,I prayed for twins. Twins run in my family on my mother and my father's side; both fraternal and identical. I was just so sure that my second pregnancy was either twins or a boy because it was so different from my first pregnancy. I was wrong though, I have two beautiful little girls, but no twins or boys.

I have struggled with feelings of being alone throughout my entire life; which I contributed to the rocky childhood I had growing up with a mother who had me at the age of 17; the turmoil that my mother and father had, and the many marriages they have had between the two of them (4 for my mother and I believe it is now 9 for my father, but I can't recall at the moment).

But after meeting my wonderful husband and having two adorable daughters, something is still missing. I was diagnosed with postpartum depression after the birth of my 2nd daughter.  Looking back, I believe it actually started during my pregnancy; not just after. I sought help for the depression and also for the emotional burdens form childhood that I had tried to deal with on my own. Talk therapy worked well and medicine help a little. But something is still lacking in my life and I can't put my finger on it.

Though I am still struggling with my childhood demons, my adult life is pretty good (despite the normal adult challenges like bills, a mortgage and daycare, ugh!). But even the happiness that I find in my adult hood and in my marriage is lacking for some reason.

When it comes to my health, that is just a completely different ball game! To add to the depression diagnosis, I was diagnosed a few years ago with narcolepsy and fibromyalgia that seem to RULE my life at the moment. Looking back, I have come to the conclusion, along with my doctors, that I have probably always suffered from narcolepsy and fibromyalgia. When I was born, I was diagnosed with bunions - a baby/child with a senior citizen's problem already!!

What they failed to detect in my infant body was that I also had a Patent Ductus Arteriosus (PDA), which usually untreated either leads to death in the infant or future heart problems as a child. They also did not see that I had Spina Bifida Occulta; which as an adult has started to prove troublesome. I have a total of 5 bulging discs, I have uric acid stones which if you have ever passed a kidney stone, try passing 6 and having the knowledge that you currently hold another 16 stones between the two kidneys and they could pass at any time. Not fun!

So now I am left to try and find diet modifications to help reduce the number of stones. The bad thing is that the diet modification will have be a life style change in order to help my body not continue to make the stones (this one has been an 11 year battle so far). I had my gallbladder removed in between my pregnancies due to having "sludge" in it! The real kicker that really helps tie in this whole twin thing is that I had to have multiple cysts removed from my left ovary and fallopian tube. I do not know if they were dermoid cysts or not, and luckily they were able to keep my ovary intact.

The only thing that caused any problems with me getting pregnant was that I don't ovulate regularly and I have low progesterone. After 7 months of trying with no success and having made my husband endure being tested for any issues, the doctor handed me a prescription for Clomid. I looked at him and said‚ "I think I am actually pregnant."  But I took a pregnancy test and it negative, but I know it is also too early for a home test to detect a pregnancy; so can you do a blood test? The doctor stated, "No, you did not ovulate last month, so there is no way you could be pregnant. Get the Clomid and start taking it." Well, being the know-it-all that I always feel I am, I wait a week...take another home test and BAM! I am pregnant. I was right!

In the friend department, I have never been very successful. I don't give my trust very easily and when that trust is broken, it is not repairable. I have never had very many "girlfriends". I always seem to get along better with the guys. I was never a "girly-girl", don't get me wrong, I love to look pretty, wear the latest style, etc.; I just don"t enjoy the effort that you have to put into looking that way all of the time; nor do I have the money to keep an up-to-style wardrobe. Even as an adult, I have a hard time relating to people in general, much less women. I  don't like the drama, the mistrust and one-sided effort that always seem to be involved. I would much rather just be at home with my husband and kids or even alone.

I had a therapist one time that said as long as I ENJOY being alone and having very few friends, and it isn't that I am alone and yearning for friends, then I was OK to like the solitude. I have come out of my shell as an adult, a little bit, but I have always been the shy wallflower type.

As for a career, I wanted to be everything you can think of at some point in my life. I have tried several things, taken some college courses, gotten a certificate or two, tried my hand at entrepreneurship, and now work for an attorney as a legal secretary (for the 2nd time).

I have just never been able to figure out what I wanted to do, which always leaves me feeling like a failure. I get excited about something and then my steam wears out. When I am in a job that I don't like, I feel like my world is going to end; like I just can't set foot in that place again. But because I have a family and responsibilities, I force myself to just endure it until I can figure something out. Same thing happens when I start projects either at work or home. I have all the best intentions to clean out that closet or organize those files -.but I just can't; and again I am left feeling like a failure.

I know I am destined to do something great; whether it is as a career, as a wife, as a mother, but I just can't figure it out. I can't find the missing piece to the puzzle that my life has always been. I know I have probably forgotten some things; but that happens a lot (damn fibrofog! )

Nonetheless, I am optimistic that this will be the start of my journey to discover my twin; how we bonded; what kind of an impression that left on my soul and my heart and how I can heal from it and become the person that I am supposed to be; not only for myself but for my husband and daughters.

Thank you for allowing me to share my story and for the research you are doing. You have truly changed my life and I feel like I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. I apologize for any typos, sentence structure issues, etc.; I am writing this at work in between trying to actually work and not get in trouble‚ (another issue I have - guilt and a feeling of not wanting to be in trouble.
Come on!I am 34 years old, married with two children and I still fear I am in trouble....

Oh thank God I found your site!

This is the site she found

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