Sunday, August 11, 2013

Story 11: I've always felt a deep sadness

I've always felt a missing part of me. I've always had a deep sadness, even now, that I don't know where it comes from. I thought maybe as a result of being brought up in a dysfunctional family with an abusive alcoholic father.

I don't remember if I had imaginary friends or not, but I do remember I used to talk in the mirror or a play phone a lot and end up crying. If it was too quiet and still, I would get very sad and have to find something to busy myself. I remember I was always doing something to keep busy. I am a little better with that now, but I still have a hard time sitting to read or watch a movie. I used to really feel split in personalities like I were two people and thinking I needed to be two people to be able to understand the differences in what felt to be me, but also like someone else within me. My mom bled with me early in her pregnancy and had to take medicine for it I know, and after feeling like there was a part of me missing.

I "made a story" long ago that I had a twin that mom lost, I guess, to explain my feelings away. I always had a hard time with anger, relationships, feelings, self image until maybe the last five years. I sort of let go of my thinking I could have been a twin and just figured the way I felt was a result of my childhood.

I'm now in my later fifties and have reclaimed the thought of being a twin, it just feels right to me. Just this last year I told a co-worker that I always thought I was a twin and it probably wasn't anyway true, but I was going to claim it as my story because it felt right. I think since then I feel more at peace with it, it was my story and I was going to claim it.

Then in a recent conversation with my older sister, she asked if I felt I was ever a twin, which floored me! I thought I was the only one with this feeling! She told me about this site and I'm surprised there are other people who have gone thru this feeling, even without proof that they were a twin.  Now I at least don't feel crazy for having this feeling and don't feel alone with this feeling anymore. I don't know if I am (was) a twin, but I do claim it to be my truth.

Is this your truth? Find out here.

Here are some of the many signs  and indications to look for.

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