Saturday, August 17, 2013

Story 17: I questioned my gender identity

I'm gay, recently I even questioned my gender identity, even though I know I'm a girl, something feels different.
 This might be a bit long. I'll try to do my best. Today I'm a twenty-years-old girl. I have an older sister. From a very young age I always felt I have a twin brother, for me it's the perfect family. I always have been attracted to twins, and twin stories, and especially boy/girl twins. I feel that my brother is inside me, always with me. I even feel like he is prisoner of my body, and I felt guilty for being whole and him only being in my mind. There were very unhappy times in my life, when
I wanted myself gone, or just wanted to be alone. Hopefully I had my brother with me he helped me through it. Five years ago, I came out to myself, I realised I was gay. And when I asked myself why I was interested in boys before, it was clear that I actually was looking for my brother. Often I imagine what it would be to be together, with him in his own body. I  have friends, always have. But it has never been extremely close friends, I love them and I trust them, but I was always looking for this bond, this complicity with someone, whether it was friendship or love.

And I realise that everytime I start to get really close with someone, I take my distances, finding excuses and blaming this other. I have never had a boyfriend or a girlfriend, maybe that's the reason why. Sometimes, and it happens for a long time, I am very happy and suddenly I become sad, as if I blame myself for being happy. Or sometimes I'm just unhappy and I don't know why because I have no reason to be unhappy. Sometimes I'm looking for something and I don't know what it is. Recently this feeling has been more and more present in my life, and at first I thought I just wanted something new, a girlfriend for example. but imagining it didn't feel right. I was pretty lost and confused. I have this friend that I became very close, very quickly and I started questioning myself. Of course she wants us to be friend and that's it, and I was fine with it, but then again I started to get mad at me, at her, because I thought she was the reason of the something missing.

Now I understand, I'm starting to create a bond, something I've been looking for all my life, and now that it's there I'm scared. What I don't understand, is that I have a very close guy friend, who is gay, and it's true sometimes I take my distances, but I have never felt, scared or threaten by this relationship. I also noticed something in my life, it's the constant need of change, that is that I some point, I can't stand to be with the same people, do the same things.

Something else, there is really two distinct parts of me, or maybe it's me and by brother. There is one very scientific, very rational, and the other very artistic and imaginative, and very intuitive. Sometimes it is conflicted in me. However something is bothering me, because as I'm a girl and my twin is more likely to be a boy, we can't be identical twins, which means he isn't suppose to
be inside me. Recently, when I was looking for answers about the way I feel, I became really interested about gender identity disorder, and FTM stories. So maybe I have a biological twin sister, who is actually a guy. I don't know, maybe.

Or maybe all this is wrong and I imagine things. I don't know much about my mother's pregnancy, if I remember well the first echography she has shown me was when I was three month old in utero and I was alone.When I ask "if I would have been a boy what would have been my name?" she always answer "we always knew you were a girl". And I always found that weird, the way she told me that is. The other thing that is bothering me is my sister, because, she has the same symptoms, maybe worse, and the same facination for twins. What I don't know is if she feels she once had a twin or
wished she has one, or just like the stories. Because either she is also a womb twin survivor, or she feels she should have had twin siblings and only had a sister. Right now, I'm pretty lost and confused. What hurts me the most is telling myself that my brother is dead because for me he is here, not dead. Maybe that's the reason I haven't felt much guilt until now.

I have trouble knowing left and right, apparently it is dyslexia, never been good at spelling (French I mean, my first language), but not to the point of complete dyslexia, haven't been diagnosed or anything.

"Upset by little things"-well I don't know, when my parents offer me stuff that doesn't correspond to what I want, it upsets me because I feel like  they don't know me. Or when I feel, or get the impression that people don't care for me.  Well, I have panic attacks, not that much now, but at one time, it was everyday. And then I started having sudden weakness, and stuff like that. And I thought that I was going to die or something, like I have a disease that is bad. Even now, sometimes I feel when I'm bad, I wonder if it is not something bad that is making me die. And sometime I wish I was dying.

I know I forgot a lot of things, but I tried to be short as well. Will I ever know for sure? Will I feel better one day?

No comments:

Post a Comment