Sunday, August 18, 2013

Story 18: I was sure I was born into the wrong family

I always felt that it wasn't the right way that it was just me and my parents (as if I was born in the wrong family).  I always wished for a sibling (mostly a brother) and I had the feeling that it was too late because a younger sibling wouldn't do it - it had to be "already there".
My mother had bleeding and a heart that was beating before, did not beat anymore. An unusually small placenta, Caesarian born, 3 weeks early. Very slightly crooked face, one ear sticks out. As a child I had two best friends whom I both "met" as a baby in the hospital - one boy, one girl - the girl was like my sister all the time growing up because our parents were friends, but I often overwhelmed her and she sought out other friendship. This was very hard for me, I felt that she was the only really
close person I had, us two against the rest of the world. With the boy, it was like we were siblings as well, but only when we saw each other alone.

Later in my life I had a "soul-sibling", who was my actual cousin. We think (but don't look)
extremely alike. I always resented her for having an older brother. I sometimes wished my parents would divorce, though they love each other and dont fight.

I cannot handle disappointments. I constantly feel responsible and have a bad conscience.  I feel
inhuman and don't want people to discover what I am.  I suffered (still suffer a bit) from body dysmorphic disorder.  I sometimes lose the ability to relate to the outside world (such as tables etc, I cant see things clearly anymore because I obsess about the possibility that there would be another object in its place, ("what if"-games.)

I easily lose the connection to people I love when they aren't there (part of me can't imagine that they exist when they aren't there....)

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Some of the many signs of the "vanishing twin"


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