Chapter 13: My child is a womb twin survivor

This chapter will explore how it feels to be the parent of a young womb twin survivor.  Some parents find it hard to cope with their own loss, some are not sure of the best way to tell their child about their twin and  some experience difficulties in parenting their child.

A research study, carried out in 2003 in the USA with a group of over fifty surviving twins, reached a similar conclusion: “…….. almost unanimously the cry was to have this issue be openly talked about, right from the beginning.  The survivors fervently gave suggestions and advice: Give information truthfully, and allow feelings to be expressed.  Encourage openness of communication.  Educate the medical profession.  Teach the parents how to deal with the survivor; educate the public that this lost twin is a real force.” 

The loss of one twin at birth is devastating for the parents. Furthermore, twin pregnancies are increasingly the result of lengthy, laborious and costly fertility treatments. Earlier on in the pregnancy, there is still a sense of loss.  Many parents discover early on that they are expecting twins or more.  They get to know each baby very well.
 After birth, because of the realities of caring for one or more survivors, parents are typically unable to grieve properly.  In the case of MZ (identical) twins, the memory of the lost twin is kept alive in the person of the survivor.

Support for grieving parents of twins
Parents badly need support in their grief but it is only in the last forty years or so that such support has been provided.  If you are a womb twin survivor born forty years ago or more, then your parents were probably left alone and unsupported after the loss of your twin.

The Center for Loss in Multiple Birth (CLIMB)
Jean Kollantai lost one of her twins at birth.  She resolved that thereafter no parent would ever have to survive such a tragedy unsupported.  She once said that her introduction to parenthood was holding two full-term babies where one was alive and one was dead. She created CLIMB in 1998 as a local support network with excellent information.  There are now branches all over the world. 

Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Support (SANDS)  
In the UK in 1975 two parents with stillborn children decided to do something about the fact that most parents were not allowed to see or hold their babies and they were not told where their babies were buried.  If you are the parent of a stillborn twin, born in the UK before 1984 it was probably normal practice to whisk the baby away, sight unseen.  Today in the UK there is SANDS, founded in 1984 as a charity supporting parents bereaved by the loss of one or more babies, at any time from the second trimester until around birth.  They produce leaflets suggesting best practice for professionals involved with stillbirth.

Good information
The Twins and Multiple Births Association (TAMBA) was created in the UK in 1978. They supply information to parents with twins or multiples.  They have a bereavement support group for parents who had a twin or multiple pregnancy and one or more babies died. 
    There is an increasing amount of information now generally available for parents of stillborn babies, including parents of womb twin survivors.    One good example is the material written by Elizabeth Pector, a medical doctor and the parent of a sole surviving twin.  She has created a web site with resources for parents and has written extensively on the subject. 

Memorials   
Today after the stillbirth or neontal death of one twin, parents are offered the chance to hold their dead child, take a photograph and carefully keep some mementoes of the baby.  This can be helpful to the parents and the surviving twin. 
    There are now some printed resources to help chaplains and others to create Christian services of prayer and memorial for babies who have died during pregnancy or around birth. It is also considered suitable for the siblings of the baby to attend the funeral or memorial service. It is also their loss.  

Death in the womb - a real loss   
If it has been hard to obtain public recognition for a stillborn baby, it even harder for the public to recognize the death of a baby in the womb as a real loss for the parents.  The very idea of grieving for a tiny, miscarried baby has been considered unreasonable by some professionals, who have been concerned that parents and others may magnify miscarriage into a “tragedy.” Nonetheless, it is now clear how important it is for professionals to keep parents informed when a baby dies in the womb and take account of their feelings of loss.
    The same imperative applies to providing full information to the surviving twins.  They must and should be told, in the kindest way possible.  The knowledge that one was once a twin is a very important piece of personal information. Every womb twin survivor has a right to know their origins as one of a twin pair or multiple group but it is very hard to talk about.

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