Saturday, May 28, 2011

Being a womb twin survivor (2) Managing the expectations of others

Staying with the parents for the next few posts, did you have a problem with your parents' expectations of you?  How did that feel?

For instance Joanna, aged 24, feels pushed around by per parents, who want her to study law.  But she is only a legal secretary and in her leisure time passionate about hot air ballooning and animal rescue, so the thought of going back to full time study appals her and she is resisting it.  Her mother is a lawyer and  also her grandfather.  Its kind of "in the family" to be a lawyer and because Joanna is very clever and can turn her mind to most things, law seems as good as anything and she has somehow fallen in with their wishes, and is wondering how to get out of it.....

As far as Joanna is concerned,  she feels under pressure from her parents, who say nothing in a pointed kind of way. The expectation hangs in the air around  her, making her feel guilty for not making something of her life.  She is planning to leave home to be free, to be herself and not have to conform to her parents expectations, and feels increasingly misunderstood and distanced from them.

She wants to be free, floating away wherever the wind will take her, and able to be with animals, who have no expectations of her.  She is very unhappy, restless and constrained.

But what is actually happening here?  Her parents see a clever girl not realising her potential.  They try so hard not to push her, and remain carefully silent on the subject.  They see their daughter breaking away and are acutely aware that she wants to leave, but she does seem to be wasting her talents in a dead end secretary's job so they want to try and influence her while there is still a chance she may listen, but they know they must not push her.  Her hobbies are expensive and she is not able to save for her own home. And if she leaves home she will have no money to do anything with her life. They worry about her and her future.

Meanwhile, Joanna wishes there was more empathy around, that her parents would understand her need to be free and be herself.  She wants to make decisions for herself, not because they say, or make suggestions, or use their own contacts to get her a good job.  She knows she is loved, but she is also held, imprisoned by their expectations of her -  their only daughter and a clever girl with a bright future.

Now how would it be if no one had any expectations?

That would mean that  Joanna would not have any expectations of her parents, that they would leave her alone to manage her own life; understand her absolutely without her having to explain; know just the right thing to say at the right time; know how to give encouragement and support without pressure.  Without these expectations, she would let her parents be themselves and set them free to love her in their own way.

That would mean that her parents would have no expectations of Joanna, that  she will develop to her full potential and not sabotage her own success by her yearning for absolute freedom and  her desire to rescue animals in distress.  Joanna after all, is a womb twin survivor and she will as a result sabotage her life, because that is what womb twin survivors always do, until they come to terms with who they are and why. By letting Joanna simply be herself, they may begin to understand what is driving her self sabotage.

The best way to manage the expectations of others, that impinge on your life, is not to assume that everyone has expectations of how you are to live your life. Tomorrow I will try to explain how expectations breed negative energy and arise out of pre-birth experience.

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