Monday, August 19, 2013

Story 19: I felt a deep sense of aloneness

As far back as I can remember I have felt a deep sense of aloneness. I used to curl up in my bed and cry because I missed someone so much.  I had no idea who that someone was, until one night I told my mom how I felt and she told me that I was twin, but that the other twin didn't make it.

I had this 'ah ha!' Moment. I instantly knew that my imaginary friends ( I am a girl) and the things I felt were 'real'! I asked my mom all kinds of questions, she didn't have a whole lot of answers. During my high school career I developed this out going happy go lucky attitude for school, then when I got home I was a total emotional mess!  Going from extreme highs of eleation to a rage, to periods of isolation and crying. I felt crazy, I felt like I was losing my mind.

My mother took me to see a doctor and he put me on anti-depressants. They helped for a while, but the dreams were still there, and the emptiness is still here.

Every time I go to the doctor I am ready to hear that there is something REALLY wrong with me and that I am not going to live for much longer. Mostly I feel like it will be my breasts or brain.

I feel guilty, even if there is nothing I can do, I FEEL like I should do something! I am married now for almost three years. I have gone from insane love to an almost hatred of my husband. I did the same thing with my first serious relationship. I then went through a string of short term relationships that I knew I could end.

My whole life I have felt like a n empty shell of a person going through the motions trying to fill an
empty void in me. Always knowing that someone should be here to 'get' my jokes and I always feel like someone should be here to hug me, slap me, encourage me, love me! But they are gone.

Not sure where to go with this knew information about surviving twin syndrome, It will never fill the void and I still feel like a crazy person trying to blend into society, but at least I know that I am not alone now. I hope that my story can help someone else to know that they aren't totally alone...


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