Friday, August 30, 2013

Story 30: My twin sister died at birth

I had a twin sister. We were identical right down to the fact that we both had a mole in the middle of our foreheads. Jane was born a few minutes before me, but sadly she was dead when she was born.
She had not been dead for long, but her umblical cord had pulled away from the placenta so she in effect starved to death. Ironically, mine was too long and was wound around my neck. I have known about Jane my whole life. I used to talk to her when I was little. When people asked me how many brothers and sisters I had, I always mentioned her.

At around 18 I became a bit weird about the whole thing... I questioned why I survived when she didn't. I wrote poems and became quite consumed with the idea of her. I talked to her all the time. I have always felt lonely even though I am one of these people who has a lot of friends. I could be in
a room full of people and feel like the loneliest person in the world. I have spent most of my life "searching for something". People used to write in my birthday cards "I hope you find what you're looking for".

My searching actually became a physical symptom. I left home a lot and eventually moved from Australia to Europe to work as a European Tour Guide. This made me happy but I never got rid of the feeling that I call my "homesick feeling" that I had even when I was at home.

I have always felt that Jane is around me. I definitely have a guardian angel. I have had a few near death experiences and I have inexplicably been removed from awful situations without harm. When I met my husband to be, we had a date at an outside table of a bar. When I told him about Jane all the lights in the street dimmed.

Meeting my husband has helped me lose my homesick feeling. We had a little boy 11 months ago and this has also helped. However, I feel her around me more now that my son Samuel was born 11 months ago. Since samuel was a few months old, he has always looked at a spot in the corner of his room and smiled. Sometimes I sneak in and see him laughing at the same spot as if there is someone there.

Now that he is older, he can put his arms up and say "up". He has done this on several occasions to this "spot" in his room. I have turned to this spot several times and said hello. Since Sammy was born, the tv turns up by itself and I sometimes feel like there is someone else in the room when it's just Sammy and I.

I have recently opened my own business called Angel Jane. I sell jewellery and accessories online and via my own party plan business. Choosing a name was not hard. It felt right to embark on something as a tribute to her. Maybe this is another reason why I feel her around so much at the moment.

I was in a doctor's surgery recently and I was reading a pregnancy magazine about twins. It said that identical twins hold hands in the womb and I got very very upset (and I am again now). I know that we held hands. I know that we had a very very strong bond that continues even though technically we
never met in the physical world.

Sometimes I feel really ripped off that I lost my other half. Other times I think that I have packed a lot into my life so far as a sign of gratitude that I got to live.


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