Saturday, August 31, 2013

Story 31: I was born with a double placenta

I was told by my Mother that I was born with a double placenta.  She almost bled out during
my birth. She was told, being a nurse herself, that I was most likely a twin but the twin died
early on in the pregnancy.

I had a lot of stuffed animal friends as a child who I talked to on a regular basis. That sounds crazy..but all kids do that right? I don't remember feeling like someone was missing but I do remember thinking none of my friends "got me".

I remember several times my Mother telling me I was "weird". I didn't want too much attention. I couldn't make up my mind when we went shopping for clothes. I could not decide what I liked and
what I didn't. I longed for direction, I guess I still do. I feel very alone sometimes. I make sacrifices for everyone else...because I have too...if I am going to be a good person. I am now 40 years old and trying to figure out my life. I guess this is the age everyone does that.

I wonder if being a twin at some point has made me depend on myself and not ask for help from others. I wonder if being a twin is why I am always trying to fill a void with daydreams and how I would like to be if only given a little more time to improve. I wonder if being a twin is the reason why I don't care to talk to any friends, the few that I have, about what's going on in my life. I just don't care to share.

I am currently taking a anti-anxiety medication. It helps with the overwhelming feelings of doom I sometimes get. I usually blame this feeling on hormones. The feelings of doom get worse as I get children get older as well so I guess doom and gloom are in order when raising 2 boys. It would be nice to say after all these years, definitively, that I have had these feelings due to the loss of the one person who was most like me. The one person who I could have counted on and loved and been loved by unconditionally because they were just like me.

But I am not convinced of that. I think I am pretty normal for an average 40 year old woman. If had a twin, which I believe I did at some point, I miss her. If I did have a twin I wish I still had one. It feels life would be a little more manageable with her here.

Maybe she me. Isn't that a wonderful daydream. My mother told me her name would have been Jennifer.



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