Sunday, July 24, 2011

Healing (23) Healing floating resentment

I am not insane. I am angry. This world has dumped on me for the final time. I am not spoiled or lazy for fighting is not weak or slow-witted. A real fight is gutsy and painful. I don’t care about the pain. I want to show the world I won’t be stamped on any more. People like me are mistreated every day. I fight for my rights to show society, "push us, and we will push back." I have suffered all my life. No one ever truly loved me. No one ever truly cared about me.
These words were written by a young man who had been charged with attempted murder following a street fight. Anyone who feels “dumped on” by society is clearly trying to find a place for free-floating resentment. For a start “society” doesn’t “dump on” or “push” people; the world does not “stamp” on anyone; also it is highly likely that at least one or two people in the whole world care if this young man lives or dies. In short, there is absolutely no truth in these allegations against “society” or “the world”. Resentment goes a long way back; far back into the Dream of the Womb.

Resentment is indignation or bitterness, felt as a result of a real or imagined grievance. It is a state of holding something in the mind as a subject of contemplation, or of being inclined to reflect upon something.
It is like picking at a sore. Your constant revisiting of the original unfair situation provides a constantly-available vehicle for floating resentment. As long as your resentment continues, there can be no peace; no freedom; no healing for you.
Perhaps it is true that no matter how hard you try, you cannot put this grievance behind you and move on. Now if you ever imagined that your grievance is real, I suggest that you take steps to reconcile yourself with the people involved, even if they are now dead. Even if you have turned your resentment against yourself, you can still forgive and forget. If you find you cannot find it in your heart to forgive yourself or the people who have hurt you, then consider the possibility that you are picking at sores.
If you feel tired all the time and seem to lack joy and spontaneity, the constant bitterness you feel may be dragging you down. It is a burden that you have carried all your life and you are refusing to put it down. During your ritual of letting go, you had the chance to let go of the past and all its great unfairness. Did you take that chance?
Resentment dates back to the womb, when something happened that was bitterly disappointing: a wonderful new friend was given to you in the earliest phase of your existence, only to be snatched away, leaving you alone. i suggest that your resentment is against the way things are, and rightly so. Womb twin survivors get a very raw deal indeed.
Now is your chance to consider how much emotional energy you have tied up in bitterness and regret about something that you were always powerless to change. If you admit your lack of power to influence events, then you can set that energy free.
If you have turned that resentment against that part of yourself that feel survivor guilt, then let loose that healing energy by simply accepting your ability to survive as a wonderful gift. The fact that you survived is a reason for gratitude. Regret is needless, and in any case inappropriate.
Now also you can let loose that bitterness and simply accept the situation. The fact that your twin died is a true cause of grief, not of resentment. Acceptance will bring peace of mind such as you have not known for many long years and let loose healing tears of grief.
It may be that your carried out your ritual of letting go without shedding tears. This may have been simple inhibition, but it may also mean that you are allowing resentment to cloud your true feelings of deep sorrow. So it is right at this moment to enter into a period of mourning, even if it only lasts for a few hours.
You have suffered a series of losses, as has your whole family. The loss of that intimate , empathetic and intuitive relationship with your wombtwin is the greatest loss of all, and worthy of a few tears at least.
You have spent a lot of your life eaten up with bitterness and resentment. That is a great way to waste a life. It’s a waste of energy also. It’s wallowing in self pity while picking at sores: not clever.
The past is dead and gone: let’s turn our eyes and thoughts towards the good things that the future might hold if we start work today.

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