Sunday, July 31, 2011

Healing (30) The moment of surrender

When at last all possibilities have been exhausted, and the search seems to be fruitless: when one is in despair and utter helplessness, then comes your moment of willing surrender. This has been called a "spiritual crisis" but I believe that it is also a form of imaginary "rebirth." I believe that this moment is the end of your Dream of the Womb, for it is the memory of your own birth.
It is hard to know how one comes to this place. It is certainly not easy to get to or to find. It arises out of desperation or exhaustion, out of a dark, dark night of the soul. It feels like the mother of all Black Holes and can be very frightening to experience - but that would depend on how traumatic your birth was. For some people, the surrender of the will is simple and easy and holds no fear: for others it is a terrifying prospect.
Aligning your will
The feeling of letting go into complete surrender is hard to describe, but it is a simple action in the end. It is a process of letting be what is, to allow for one’s complete lack of control over events or other people. It is a process of aligning ones own will with the Way Things Are.
"It is in the nature of the Way Things Are that I will never find what I seek, so I will stop looking."
"There is nothing whatever that I can do to change what is, so I will decide to go with the flow and let what is prevail."
Surrender is handing over your will to a powers higher than oneself. In the ritual of letting go you glimpsed the intensity of yearning that has for a lifetime underlain all your behaviour and attitudes. It was and still is the letting go of a specific form of relationship that has always seemed to be required in order to live life to the full. Without that relationship, you have imagined that you cannot be whole.
Never reclaimed
The experience of surrender is submitting to the knowledge that one cannot in fact ever be whole; that lost part of you will never be reclaimed. There is no way back from this moment of surrender.  It is a leap of faith to simply trust that things will work out for the good. If you surrender, you do so while unsure whether healing will come as a result. This surrender is not conditional on results: it simply has to be done for its own sake.
Letting go of possibilities
The search for the lost relationship with your womb twin has been your life's work, your reason for being. It it is the most fundamental desire and absolute need that you will ever experience. The practice of letting go has required that you should let go of all possibility of having the one thing you hold most dear.
We are asked to dare to swing over the abyss on a shred of gossamer: what will we find as we leap into the dark?
Letting go of the habit of control
Surrendering to the flow of events is not easy if in your Dream of the Womb you are always anticipating some kind of disaster or catastrophe that you must try to prevent. In your Dream the death of your twin is part of the story, but you were not the one to die: you lived, and will live on. For you it all turned out well. If you allow that there is no disaster awaiting you, then you can begin to hope for the future and surrender to whatever happens next.
The urge to let something die
Immediately before surrender, there is a strong felt urge for something to die. Sadly for some womb twin survivors, this may lead to a suicide attempt - because of a confusion between their womb twin’s death and their own. In the moment of surrender you are allowing your womb twin to be dead and beyond your reach, leaving you alone, but among friends.
Surrendering to the will of others
There is a sense in which service is perfect freedom. This is the paradoxical result of a total surrender of your will to others: by willingly serving the will of others, you make service the one thing you desire most. Then when people ask you to do this or that, they give you exactly what you desire most.
If in turn their one desire is to serve you, and you surrender to their will in this regard also, then you will be served by another person who has surrendered their will to yours. If this reciprocal service is carried out with the correct degree of self respect on both sides, this is a very special and fulfilling relationship indeed.  It is the love of equal sharing.
After the leap
Having surrendered completely to the flow of events, a burden lifts almost at once. Things remain just where they were before - the world is the same; people are the same. In oneself however, there is now a state of infinite possibility where anything may be true. Now lies can be truths and truth may become a lie. This is the death of illusion. It is true awakening from the Dream. It is rebirth.

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