Sunday, August 07, 2011

Parents: do they really f**k you up?

"This Be The Verse" by Philip Larkin



They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had

And add some extra, just for you.



But they were fucked up in their turn

By fools in old-style hats and coats,

Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.

It deepens like a coastal shelf.

Get out as early as you can,

And don't have any kids yourself.


 BUT

 "This be MY verse" by Althea Hayton

They take the rap, your Mum and Dad-
They do not mean to, but they do.

They fill up with the faults you had

And take the blame - for love of you.

But they were carried in their turn 

By folks with quite a different brain,
And half the time tried to be firm

And half the time took on your pain.



Child hands on misery to Mum

And lets Dad carry all the shit.

Then he or she is innocent:

And that's about the size of it.

In short: it's so easy to blame your parents for your inability to take responsibility for your own bad life choices.
  • Are YOU a parent, reading this? 
  • Have YOU been blamed for your child's faults by your own child? 
Worse still, has some psychotherapist working with your own womb twin kid told them that it is "the failure of the primary caregivers to provide the right kind of care" that lies behind their psychological distress ? And that means you. You, the parent, are the primary caregiver.  If your child shows behavioral difficultues or psychological distress, we are to assume that you failed as a parent.

You struggled with your very difficult child  and tried so hard to love them, while they in turn did not allow you to get close to them. In the end, you gave up trying. Of course you did.  But you never stopped loving them and longing to reach out to them and make a real connection.  That is the pain you now carry as you watch your own child sabotaging their life choices.

The imprint of life in the womb is hard-wired into the brain of every person in the world. It haunts our dreams, colours our beliefs and drives our choices. Some people were not alone in the womb. They once had a twin.  They are womb twin survivors. There is a womb twin survivor in almost every family, and the womb twin survivors in your family may include you and your own child, recreating the Dream of the Womb between you.


Read more about this here:




2 comments:

  1. Hi Althea, I commented 2 days ago about the quality of life I had with my parents constant criticizing and hitting. I do agree with what you are saying, that sometimes you do have extremely difficult children and you try your very best to do right with them and they may still not turn out great. I happen to have been blessed with two wonderful children they are both adults now. The oldest one had behavioral issues and acted out a lot. The younger one was an absolute angel and never gave me any trouble until he was around 16, but thankfully he grew out of it. I always showered love on my children and understanding, unlike what I was shown. I did not want to make the same mistakes as my parents. However, when I did make a mistake, I owned up to it. That is the major difference between my parents and myself. By rhe way, I believe my older son may be a wombtwin survivor, He was born in the late 70's and ultrasounds were not routine then. Looking back, I had symptoms of a twin pregnancy for several months, but in the end I delivered one wonderful baby. As for my younger boy, born 10 years later, the doctor thought I was carrying twins in the very beginning. I was quite large for only 3 months. When I had the ultrasound, however, it was only one. So it is all very intreresting, this family history of mine.Thanks for the blog, I really love it.

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  2. Thanks for the comment. When you are a parent yourself you do begin to see what parents had to do with you and you can as you say resolve to avoid the mistakes they made. But there are people like Larkin who blamed his parents for his problems but never became a parent himself, so he never learned that. A pity.

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