The womb twin kids project - You Might be a Womb Twin Survivor If.....

The final book in the Womb Twin Kids series will be for young teenagers, and is called:

"You might be a womb twin survivor if....... "

This books is a series of cartoons, based on the activities of Womb Twin, a small, androgynous character, depicted thus:

There will be about 15  cartoons, which illustrate some of the most common characteristics of womb twin survivors, such as

• It feels like something is missing
• I feel driven by musts and shoulds
• I think about death a lot
• I feel empty inside

There will also be some explanation of the processes of twinning, together with diagrams showing what can happen when one twin dies.

It is to be hoped that a lighthearted approach to this difficult subject will  make is accessible to younger readers, who may find the adult Womb Twin books a bit too long and complex.

Read more  on the Womb Twin Kids site and order your advance copy today.

The womb twin kids project - We Are Womb Twin Survivors

To produce a book for young womb twin survivors aged about 8-11 is difficult. At this age there is  great curiosity about the biology of the whole thing but not the emotional maturity to work though the feelings.

Still in its infancy and not yet completed, this book will be a collection of stories about young womb twin survivors for womb twin survivors. ( see here)

The womb twin kids project - Koko's Magical Gift

The children who can read, aged 5-8, are at a very different stage from the preschoolers so the Two little Birds may not be quite enough. They need a more complex story, with perhaps an interactive element.

On this page of the Womb Twin Kids web site  there are details of just such a workbook.

The womb twin kids project - Two Little Birds

The Womb Twin Kids project was launched in June 2011.  Once it is fully launched, we will have regular events for parents and children and there will be a full set of resources for them.

There is a special web site ( still under development but getting there)  with details of the available resources so far.

There will be four books in all, each for a different age group.  The first is called "Two little birds."

This book has taken two years to create.  I thought for a long time of some metaphor that would work for young children and provide a vehicle for that sense of  something missing that womb twin survivors feel.  Then I came up with the idea of two little birds who hatched out of the same egg, but only one of them was strong enough to fly.

News Flash: Womb Twin Kids movie uploaded today

We now have a movie about the project for children who are womb twin survivors. This project is managed by me, but supported by Womb Twin, our parent organisation, and that is the important bit. It means that together we can apply for a grant to extend this work, first of all locally and later on nationally here in the UK.

This movie is part of that grant application. Please support us by viewing the movie, rating it and maybe also leaving a comment. Thanks!!!





The main Womb Twin Kids web site is here

If you are a parent of a womb twin survivor, contact me today  - you may be able to help.

Parents: do they really f**k you up?

"This Be The Verse" by Philip Larkin



They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had

And add some extra, just for you.



But they were fucked up in their turn

By fools in old-style hats and coats,

Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.

It deepens like a coastal shelf.

Get out as early as you can,

And don't have any kids yourself.


 BUT

A young womb twin survivor in therapy - should I say?

I had a long and rather wonderful conversation with a trainee counsellor yesterday, who  works with children in schools. I  suggested that some of the children she met would probably be womb twin survivors.  How would I know? She asked. What would I say?

Several interesting ethical considerations arose:

1) If the parents made clear that the child was a twin before birth, then everyone would know, except probably the child. Should the counsellor ever explain, or even imply, to the child that some of what was coming up in the sessions was related to being a womb twin survivor? Or would it be best to let the child become aware in their own way and in their own time?

The Womb Twin Kids Project web site is now complete

Today I finished the Womb Twin Kids project web site.

Here is the logo:

On this site you will find details of four new books, which will appear in the next few months, to help children of various ages.

One of them, Two Little Birds, is about two little birds, Birdie and Beaky, who hatched out of the same egg.  Beaky, the weaker bird, was never able to fly properly and was soon lost among the flowers, leaving behind just one white feather. It is this same feather, the symbol of the lost twin, that adorns our logo.

Very exciting! I have the feeling that this is where my energy should now go.  I love children and have a grandson now, who is just about to celebrate his first birthday.  So here goes!

Calling all womb twin survivors who are writers!

I want to gather together a collection of stories about young womb twin survivors aged 9-13, as part of the Womb Twin Kids project (www.wombtwinkids.co.uk) and I don't think I can do this on my own because my own imagination doesn't stretch that far!   The stories will describe how the twin was lost and what it feel like to be a womb twin survivor. 

I know that many of you are writers. Would anyone like to help with this and write me a story for this book?  If you think you could, please contact me via the web site , thanks! 

Another way to help may be to tell me your story and allow me to adapt it, or if I already know your story, to use it as the basis for  one of the stories in the book.

I will need about 15 stories, including the following:

• fraternal twins, two girls
• fraternal twins two boys
• fraternal twins, boy and girl, girl survivor
• fraternal twins girl and boy, boy survivor
• Identical twins two girls
• Identical twins two boys

The reward will be in knowing you have helped young womb twin survivors.  This is not for profit, because all proceeds from sales of this book will go to Womb Twin.

Thanks!

Womb twin kids (3) My parents got it exactly right!

As I have a house full of guests arriving soon to celebrate the wedding of Prince William to his lady love, Catherine Middleton, it is absolutely right to make a truly celebratory blog post today!

What could be better than an interview with Monica Hudson, who is the US Womb Twin rep.and who manages the USA womb twin blog,  with a womb twin survivor is well adjusted to the fact that he is a womb twin survivor - no Black Hole for him.

[Read the interview in full on the World wide Womb Twin blog.]

Here is a snippet for you,  plus my thoughts in relation to the Womb Twin Kids project.

______________________________________________________

As a follow up to Part 1 of this interview (posted on April 7), here concludes this very special interview with a womb twin survivor who lost his female twin at birth, and is quite fine with it. He is convinced he was spared traumatic affect due to his mother's early acknowledgment and constant communication about the loss of his twin.

Consider what he shares - about a subject never spoken about with people other than his mom - an early Mother's Day tribute to the incredible instincts his mother had not to repress the loss. Let this also be a tribute to the current & future mother's of womb twins to overcome their apprehension and fears and learn to talk about it with their children. When you handle it well, your child will too. Ignoring it doesn't make it go away, it makes it much worse.

What advice would you give parents of womb twin survivors on how to handle this well for their children?
I wouldn’t evade it or negate it, I’d definitely talk about it. It’s something that did happen.

How early would you bring it up?
I would talk about it from when you brought the baby home. I remember it was a pretty early memory that I was a twin and my mother was talking to me about it, by doing that she comforted me and that’s what you want to do.

Do you feel that if she told you later in life that it would’ve been shocking rather than always growing up with that knowledge?
Sure because you set a tone with a child in exposing it to any kind of information or knowledge. If you do it later, it could be more of a shock and less embraceable. You might have difficulties developing that knowledge.

Whereas if you get it earlier, it’s just integrated into who you are?
Yes and then you have more of a possibility of developing that knowledge and nurturing it into a positive manifestation.

For instance, my mother was a great artist and she chose not to teach me that when I was very young. She taught me when I was 9 or 10 and it was hard for me to assimilate that information and I was kind of upset because I wish she did teach me earlier. To use an example, prodigies like Mozart who are taught & exposed to information at a young age can assimilate that information much easier, you don’t have to think about it too much. You’re just doing it. It’s like walking and reading and talking.

How would you suggest the subject be brought up?
Just talk. There’s no right way or wrong way…but the wrong way is not doing anything about it all. If parents are fearful and apprehensive… look, a child only wants to share with you and other people, the more sharing and conversing is done, the more adulation and love is created. And the more love and adulation, the more intelligence is developed and the greater the perception. And that’s all that beings want is that camaraderie - all species, that is the first act of communication. Just going through the motions of eating and getting up in the morning, they emulate those things. So when you start talking about things, they’re going to emulate those things.

When you do it while they're young, as a parent to a child, you’re going to do it in a positive way for the most part because you’re enamored by this new being. You make it up as you go, there are no instructions on how to rear children even though there should be, but you know there are right ways and wrong ways of doing things and anything that is done in a positive, loving manner can’t be bad.

If you don’t know what you’re doing and you think you’re doing it wrong, it still can’t be bad because you figure it out as you go. And not only do you figure it out, the child figures it out, you help each other. It goes back & forth. It’s a given that the teacher learns more or just as much from the student. The master really learns from the student if he’s a good teacher. And that is a very high acknowledgment in a very sagely manner, it’s not easy to do and people who are masters and have acquired that sagely manner are aware of that. That’s what you want to manifest in and it can take a lifetime to learn to do that.

Or you can just do it…as your biological being tells you to do. And if you follow those things, sometimes you can learn a lot more than you knew you could.
___________________________________________________

A truly remarkable mother! Bless her!

( And thank you to Monica and her womb twin survivor friend.)

The Womb Twin Kids project is all about encouraging that loving openness between parents and young womb twin survivors.  I am building a special web site, available soon, but in the meantime there are a few pages here, including a contact form for parents of womb twin survivors who would like to help with this project by sharing their experiences.

My child's twin died (2) How can he or she possibly be aware of that?

Should a parent tell their sole surviving twin about the twin who died? The debate is pointless, because the child will already be aware,  even without being told.

Sad, but true.  Children are aware - more so than adults - of life before birth.  Some therapists who specialize in pre- and perinatal psychotherapy come across the lost twin in therapy. Other therapists may not notice or understand what they are seeing. The womb twin kids project is  my attempt to put that right.

Here is a compelling description of a child remembering her sister and brothers conceived during IVF:

IVF children

One unusual and unexpected characteristic that almost all of these children had in common was that they had some sort of relationship to the fertilized eggs which (or should I say who?) were not used in the implantation and are now frozen. None of the IVF families I worked with had decided what to do with the frozen eggs. 

The mother explained to me that her daughter had been very upset over a dream and had asked to be held for a long time that morning. When the mother asked her to share what she wanted, the girl replied, “We have to do something about my brothers and sisters.” She then explained, “ I have five brothers and three sisters.” The mother then told me that there were seven remaining embryos. The math works out, considering that the living twin is one of the siblings, while the frozen ones are the others. Then the girl went on to say, “My other brothers and sisters are freezing. They are in a cave in the snow and they are crying. We have to do something about them.” 

What can you say about an experience like this? I feel that it certainly deserves serious reflection.

So  womb twin kids are already aware of  their twin: would it not be a kindness therefore to explain those vague feelings of loss in real terms? And how can a parent  or guardian talk to a child about their lost twin?  How can you say it so that it wont be painful and confusing?

That is for tomorrow.......

[Note:  There has been a hold up at the printers where my new book is being printed : if you have ordered it and have been told it is unavailable, do not despair.  I hope to sort it out soon, but our four day Easter holiday hasn't helped..... More news tomorrow. ]

The message:(3) Telling the children

Two weeks ago, we launched the Womb Twin Kids project ( see my blog post of that day).

There are three reasons for this project, and they are all about passing on the Womb Twin message to the people who matter  - the womb twin survivors themselves.

Children have a right to know
The fact that one is a womb twin survivor is a very important piece of  personal information. This should not be withheld permanently.
Research carried out by Carolyn Dawn, PhD, at the Santa Barbara Institute in California, with 52 adult womb twin survivors, revealed the anger and distress caused by not being told by their parents.

(Ref: The surviving twin: psychological, emotional, and spiritual impacts of having experienced a death before or at birth. Chapter in Untwinned: perspectives on the death of a twin before birth. (Download an extract here)

As a direct result of this research, and after meeting twins who were told early in life, it is clear how much less distressed they are than people who were told about their twin as adults.    I consider it good practice for parents to make the facts of a lost twin available to the survivor as early as possible, in whatever way seems most suitable.  Most of the many hundreds of womb twin survivors I have come across agree with this - do you?  Feel free to comment either on this blog or by using the contact form.

Parents have a right to remain silent on the subject
Some parents carefully preserve their right to remain silent.  There are many reasons for this, such as the loss of a twin being part of a terribly traumatic  pregnancy and birth, or a sense of personal failure - not to have been able to keep both babies alive.  This blog post is not intended to put pressure on parents who would find it too distressing to speak about, but this information must not be lost for ever.  If you are a parent of a womb twin survivor and you feel you would rather not talk about it then, for the sake of your child do please write it all down and put it into safe keeping, perhaps along with your will, so that after you have died, your child can know.

The Womb Twin Kids Project is designed to help parents to discover ways of speaking to their child about their twin. We can show parents that speaking about it need not be distressing, but can be a playful celebration of something special and rather wonderful, in many ways.

Most womb twin survivors are already aware of their twin
I read a blog yesterday about a surviving twin who was haunted by her twin. It makes  fascinating reading, for this girl had not been told of her twin.  She always had a sense of something missing and had an imaginary friend called Sarah, whom she saw one night, in her bedroom, when she was 19.

A few months before I saw Sarah in my bedroom, my brother told me I had experienced "Vanishing twin syndrome" I didn't want to believe him but I really do and thought so before he told me even.


Even when children are told, they are  often not surprised. They may be confused, or a little doubtful, and may suddenly feel a surge of grief, but this is not a bad thing.  Knowing is the first step on the healing path.

(We will be walking the Healing Path together on this blog in April. More here)

Do you want to help with the Womb Twin project for parents and children?  Find out how.