Thursday, December 01, 2011

A healing path (6) holding on to your twin

It is very hard to let go of something that you don't know you are holding on to.  The survivors of the kind of twin pregnancy that involves one or more unresponsive womb companions - human or not -  have a big problem with holding on and letting go.

Somewhere deep down, there is a feeling that some infinitely precious Something or Someone  who lurks nearby and just out of sight and awareness, but the presence is crucial to a sense of inner peace and comfort, for only when the twin is near are things as they should be.

And so a silence descends, that may mean you are silent and unresponsive in your behaviour to others in your born life.  This is how you keep your Dream alive and communicate that sense of lack of communication to others.

No Answer

My inner self is silent: is it still true there are no words?
I know the voice is there but can no longer hear it....
The screeching silence bears down on me for I am deaf-
My inner self is screeching in a voice too shrill to hear.

The tiny voice that once was me booms in midst of dreams
It speaks to me in words so long forgotten......
It is a body language of holding on and getting rid
Of travelling throughout the world yet longing to be home.

It has sentences of torture callously inflicted;
It has long, endless paragraphs of boredom and the yearning to be gone;
It is a story of long ago when I was newly minted
When I was captured by another who never spoke a word.

I tried to start a conversation but there was never any answer.
I reached out to touch it but there was always no response.
The longing in my heart grew until the need consumed me
I faded like an echo into the empty silence.

I learned how to stop the pain: not to want to speak.
I learned how not to hear the tortured screams of pain.
I learned not to let it hurt me for I became immune.
I learned that I could persevere alone: I would be fine.

I loved the Something that loomed over me, so great and powerful
I moulded my growing self upon the image and I was content.
I could live with coldness for I was easy without comfort-
I learned how not to be myself for I was filled with emptiness.

My inner voice is silenced now, my heart of stone will never break again-
But now, without my captor there for me, I cannot stand alone.
So I will make a lonely prison and lock myself inside
And pour my endless grief into the unrelenting air.

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