Thursday, December 06, 2012

Womb twin story - she was only half a person

My whole life I felt like half a person and swore everyone else could see it as well. My earliest memory of my childhood was when I was about 3 years old. I just knew I was a twin and always looked for her every where I went.

My sister, who is 3 years older than me, even told me that I started asking about my twin as soon as I could talk. Through out my childhood I tried talking to my mother but she would only provide me with a few details. She had difficulty becoming pregnant and when she went to the doctor he informed her she was having twins as he heard two heartbeats.

She is unsure at what point it happened but she started to bleed and had cramps. Then the doctor only heard one heartbeat and told her that there was only one baby left.

When I was born, at 39.5 weeks by c-section, the doctors found a "cyst" it contained hair, teeth, nails & a spinal cord. The doctor confirmed that in fact my mother miscarried my twin.

When I was in the 1st grade I had moved to a different state and met a girl in my class that looked a lot like me. I became obsessed with the fact everyone thought we were twins but it just wasn't the same. A few years later we moved away again and lost touch with her. She was the last friend I felt I could fully trust and be close to.

 It wasn't until I was 21 that I saw a show about vanishing twins. I was overwhelmed with all sorts of emotions because for the first time in my life everything just made sense. That night I sat down and talked to my mother. She admitted her amazement in how I always knew I was a twin without ever being told. I was always & still am convinced I had an identical twin sister.

My whole life I have struggled with relationships. I fear letting people get close to me. I have always had a large group of friends but none that I am close with. The only close friends I have are my older sister & husband. Its still hard though letting them see my whole self.

I always want to "save" or "heal" everyone. Many teachers have told my mother or other teachers that I was colorful and different but in a good way. I isolate myself but want to be surrounded by many friends at the same time.

I drive myself crazy with how I have to do everything perfect & with no ones help. If it isn't perfect it can "drive me crazy" until I finally get it right.

I have always been able to sense spirits and can tell when bad things will happen. Nights are the most difficult. I've always been afraid of the dark & afraid to sleep alone. It's at this point I can feel spirits and sometimes hear or see something. I am now 30 and forcing myself for the first time to fully accept what happened and I named my twin.

I know my twin has always walked beside me and always will. I just can't help but think every day what it would of been like to grow up with her and have her physically here.

Make a womb twin memorial here

1 comment:

  1. I identify with this story very much, I could have written some of it myself. The only difference is our age difference. How lucky to be able to face all those emotions at a young age and have the time to work through them. I am more than double your age, and only now learning to come to terms with a lot that has happened to me in life, and realize why. But I do believe my twin has been with me all the way and now since having 'released' her, I feel she is still very much part of me, genetically and DNA connected within my own cells, that it is now easier to think of her without the looking for and longing. In fact this year my life has taken on a new perspective and I am much more confident and open, and not so lonely anymore in the company of others. When I was born by c/section, there was a 'foetus papyraceous' present, and then at 18yrs old I had a 'terratoma' removed from my left hip bone (teeth, hair etc), but was not told until I was 20 and pregnant that I was one of a twin. I too had twin daughters, and had to give them up for adoption. Fortunately we have now met, and keep in touch. It was only this year that I was 'forced' to come to terms with who I really am. I too have often thought what it would have been like to have physically known her, but am pleased that there is path to follow and that is the healing path. Being able to share this and more has helped me tremendously.