In my 20's, I realized my mom had an abortion and after asking her about
the circumstances, she said my dad didn't want children and asked her
to abort. She did out of fear for her marriage is what she said, which
is why she hid her pregnancy with me until she was well into her fourth
month. She didn't want him to ask her to have another one.
However, she
never told me "when" this earlier abortion happened in her 5-year
marriage to him. During her pregnancy, my dad left my mom for another
woman and did ask her to abort when he found out. But, she told him it
was too late in the pregnancy.
After therapy, confronting my parents about our issues, forgiveness and
much spiritual growth, I still feel oppressed by this "black cloud" that
doesn't want me to succeed in life. No matter how much I try, I haven't
been able to defeat it.
At the same time, I am now remembering a
recurring dream I had as a child. In the dream, a dark, scary figure was
looking for me and I was trying to hide from it. However, I was not
alone; another person was with me. This person appeared to look like my
mom to me, so I always assumed it was.
I am also remembering that I had
imaginary friends when I was 3-5, but they were usually real people. One
was my cousin whom I'd pretend to have with me when he wasn't there and
the other was a news anchor from tv that I used to see regularly when
my family watched the news.
I'm beginning to think that maybe the abortion attempt happened while I
was in the womb and the baby aborted was my twin. Either that, or the
abortion did happen before me, but my mother miscarried the twin during
pregnancy because of effects/stress from the abortion.
Overall, I'm not
sure though and I need to confront her, but that's hard when we're not
even talking right now.
When a twin dies before birth, the sole survivor needs help and understanding. Womb twin survivors are the sole survivors of a twin or multiple pregnancy. This group, 1 in 10 of the population, includes survivors of a stillbirth, miscarriage, abortion and a "vanishing twin" pregnancy. It is a story of a twin bond broken by death, leaving a lonely survivor.
If the abortion happened before you, you could be picking up on the "haunted womb" syndrome which you can google and read up on more info. Haunted womb is when there had been a recent traumatic event (miscarriage or abortion) and the child conceived right after or close to the event has a vague or vivid memory of another child. You could be suffering from both the haunted womb and the loss of your twin. My mother lost a child 2 months before she conceived me and my twins. Of course, there is no proof of my twin siblings, only my dreams, memories, and feelings. I sensed the presence of lost children for many years before I was told about the miscarriage. So we do carry around deep-seated memories and imprints of our time in the womb. It's a shame that you can't communicate with your mother right now, but I would say trust your instincts because they are usually, if not always, right on.
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