I also had a very difficult relationship with my mother - I took everything out on her and I wonder if I subconsciously blamed her for the death of my twin, whom I believe died within the first weeks of gestation and was absorbed by me.
I always felt like I was searching for something or someone to make my longing and emptiness go away. My husband has helped in this respect, but it still feels like something's missing. I always start things enthusiastically and optimistically, but then things tend to fall apart. I lose motivation or interest or things just don't meet my expectations and I end up miserable in jobs, with projects, courses, etc.
I feel misunderstood and invalidated by most people I talk to, so I've learned not to share what I'm going through and have been through with virtually anyone. I share the most with my husband, but I have a hard time admitting to some of my thoughts and feelings, so some things I just keep to myself.
I've been to all kinds of health practitioners to try to get better, but haven't had much success except with one naturopath who introduced me to energy healing and emotional release. I think my emotions were so overwhelming that I had been ignoring them or rationalizing them away.
Once I saw how much I improved when I started dealing with them, I realized this is something I need to look more closely at. Now I'm trying to understand myself better so I can heal and move on with my life and find fulfillment in every day.
Obviously, this is a massively abbreviated story, which in long form would include sexual abuse at a young age and being bullied at school and consequently having trust issues with my peers and difficulty bonding with them, among other things.
Four steps to healing here