Thursday, August 29, 2013

Story 29: I have had periods of depression

Hi, my daughter was one of twins, the second miscarried in utero at 3 months. She is now 22 and was always different - our relationship has been difficult over the years.

I experienced a lot of depression in my life, years and years of it. I spent periods of time in hospital because of it. I had a hard time convincing myself life was worth living.
I wished to have a terminal illness so the pain would end and I could 'cross over' and be at peace. My mind and intellect are quite strong and this helped me to survive the blackness, I split that part of myself off and put on an act of living. I accepted that I had this illness and tried to make the best of it as advised by the doctor. Anti-depressants never worked, nor ECT, I just trudged through life surrounded by blackness.

I studied and became a therapist, the black became grey and over the years it became a bit easier. I am 53 now and have put much of it behind me. I thought I could prevent my children from having this but my 22 yr old daughter who is a wombtwin survivor, showed the same signs as myself. Listening to her was like hearing my own voice, so exhausting and so tortured.

We have been very bound up together and it has pained me greatly to see her experience such familiar difficulty. This summer I found a book about womb twin survivors and almost cried when I flicked through it. I felt I had found something that would help my daughter - at least she could have a better life than one of constant darkness. I went to see the author myself and they suggested my experience and connection with her could be because we shared the same story, that I too started life with company.

I could answer 'yes' to many of the questions in the book. It was only after the meeting that I realised how many things I bought in twos, especially clothes, I was actually shocked to see it, I'd never really seen it before. My daughter and myself went to the author and did a cutting of ties ceremony, she with her twin and me with what seemed to be a brother and sister. It has all seemed very unreal for me in some way and I don't know what to think about it.

I've never understood why I went through what I did in my life - there is no evident trauma in my childhood etc. There is a history of depression in the family and I just thought I had inherited the poor combination of chemicals.

I have no physical evidence that there were others with me in the womb or anything, I just had a very difficult experience of life that I have never been able to explain. I've never really thought I was a twin or anything but I've always felt alone and looked forward to dying. I

t's like I've spent most of my life being ready to die and waiting for it. I don't think I've ever been so prepared for anything in my life. It's like it's the only really important thing - nothing else really matters. Making a life and living has been the hardest thing I've done. I suppose I've thought everyone feels like this but apparently they don't.

So has all this been because I was a multiple? I don't really know, it's all so subjective. I was thinking of talking to someone about it and laying it to rest (!) finally. Does it matter really? Reading your books brings it all up again and I find it confusing. What difference does it make now?

I'm mostly interested in living and enjoying life as so much of it was spent in pain before. Living and thriving are what interest me now.

Since I cut the ties I have felt better, life is simpler and I don't day dream about dying so much which is funny really since I'm one of the sceptical people and wonder whether the whole thing is true for me at all. That's my story for the moment, thanks for creating the space for musing.


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