A "Vanishing twin" pregnancy: should I tell my child?

Lucy and Jack, after several years of IVF treatment, were delighted to find they were expecting twins. A scan at eight weeks showed two sacs, each with a tiny fetus, but a few weeks later there was only one baby left alive: the other sac was empty. Lucy went onto the Internet to find out more about vanishing twins and found my site at wombtwin.com. She emailed me the next day,  “It seems that the remaining twin may have some psychological problems: what do I tell my child?”

Then I heard from Margaret. Like Jane she had noticed a little spotting in the early weeks of her first pregnancy - which is a sign of a vanished twin. Her daughter Elinor, now aged six, was born at thirty-six weeks. She was small but very strong. She is left-handed.

“She has always been very mature for her age,” Margaret told me. “She has always been very nurturing with her two younger sisters. She gets very frightened when she hears loud noises. She tends to be reserved and somewhat clingy. Sometimes when she cries, she says that no one loves her and no one understands her.  Since she started school I have noticed that she often talks to herself, as if she is in her own little world.  Then today she asked me where her sister was!  I was speechless. I didn’t know what to say.”

My research with hundreds of womb twin survivors from all around the world is beginning to show us that womb twin survivors are often sensitive, caring people. They are so sensitive to others that they feel as others do. This means they make wonderful therapists and nurses. 

They can become distressed at some point about the loss of their twin but not all of them do.  If they know for sure that they once had a twin, it simply becomes part of who they are.  If they know they were once a twin then, when they feel sad or lonely they can know they are are responding perfectly normally. After all, they did lose their "other half."   For this reason, if your child is a womb twin survivor, it is best to make this clear as soon as you can.  Research has shown that it is helpful to tell your child, as soon as possible and in the calmest and most natural way, the truth of what happened to their twin.

It is important for both parents to be in agreement on this. Sadly, Alice, who is now 35 years old was pregnant with her son Jason when doctors detected two sacs in the eighth week and later on there was only one. “Jason has always been complaining about not being meant to live and missing his brother,” says Alice, “ but my husband thinks this can't be a suitable explanation. I feel there is no way I can talk about those things without being labelled crazy myself or hurting my child.” As a result, Jason, now aged ten, has not yet been told about his twin.

It is normal for a lone twin to have feelings of loneliness, emptiness and sorrow and that goes for womb twin survivors too. If you have had a twin pregnancy that ended up with one baby then you have a womb twin survivor in the family. Rather than leave your child with unexplained feelings, tell him or her about the lost twin - make it real.

Tell them early in life, and make sure you are well informed about the details of  your pregnancy, because you may find that as they grow up they will want to know more and more about what happened.      

It can help everyone if you find other parents of womb twin survivors and team up for mutual support. Not everyone will believe that the loss of a co-twin so early in life can leave an impression. Validate your own child's feelings in the face of public scepticism, and they will never complain that "no one understands how they feel."