Healing (5) Self-inflicted pain

I am torn between the wish to escape the pain and the loyalty that keeps me here by your side. Remembering causes pain, so it is logical to forget. but I can’t help remembering, because the Dream is here with me now. It is with me always, and you are there in the Dream. You are alive with me now but you are dying now; you are gone now and I am alone now and will be forever. You are always with me and yet you are gone forever. But if I keep the pain alive then you will still be there. So I will keep the Dream alive in my pain and keep you near me always.

Womb twin survivors inflict pain upon themselves, either by abusing their own body or becoming the victim to others who are then allowed to abuse them. The specific chosen method of self abuse is in fact a coded message that comes straight out of the Dream of the womb. The pain is loss and grief and the feeling of being abandoned in a world where no one cares.

Child abuse
As an abused and helpless young child, it would seem that there is no other choice but to be abused, but in fact when the situation is re-assessed, there sometimes are ways to avoid abuse which are not chosen. Out of a deep feeling of overwhelming helplessness, the abused child can be seen to co-operate with the abuser in a kind of terrible power game. This is how the abuse continues until the child feels strong enough to take action.

Children who are wombtwin survivors are open to hurt, and can be sometimes seen to deliberately trigger abuse in authority figures by their defiance. They need the pain. They must continue to suffer and bleed inwardly.

In adult life they easily fall prey to sadistic people who use the threat of violence as a means of gaining dominance. Wombtwin survivors do not often become abusers themselves, but continue to suffer as they remain loyal and try to understand and heal their abuser and rebuild the close, loving relationship they crave so much.

Re-enactment of trauma
Research with victims of birth trauma reveals that there is a compulsive re-enactment of the trauma which ceases abruptly when it is understood and placed back in time.

We know that early childhood trauma, only half remembered, is healed when it is fully remembered and understood. The sudden uncontrollable loss of anyone to whom you are very strongly attached is known to be an essential element in the development of post-traumatic stress. If you have known the early death of a parent, sibling or your own child, then you will understand this.

Therefore, womb twin survivors who suddenly lose their twin in a miscarriage are born traumatised. For them, death and abandonment in born life recalls the original trauma and consequently is experienced as very painful. However they keep the Dream of being abandoned alive by deliberately perpetuating the trauma by withdrawing themselves from available intimate relationships that may provide comfort.

Self abuse
The need to constantly experience pain, plus the burden of survivor guilt, causes wombtwin survivors to bring pain upon themselves, even to the extent of risking death. Various forms of self harm, such as cutting, tattooing, drug and alcohol addiction, self starvation and laxative abuse are practised widely by wombtwin survivors, such as Lyn, who wrote this:

I have recently started seeing a psychotherapist due to my self destructive tendencies, my ongoing addictions to various things, my terrible loneliness even though I have a huge number of friends and the massive feelings of guilt I have about everything. She asked me one day if I had lost a twin. I had already read an article about 'vanishing twins' before and it had made me cry for no real reason at all. As soon as she mentioned it I burst into tears and to be honest I am still bursting into tears when I read something new about it.

I don’t know if this may be me projecting the want or desire for this to be true or not, or if there really is something in it. I have always felt an outsider, people have always called me weird, I have always felt lonely and like I have always been searching for something in my life and as a result of this I have made some very bad choices. I was a heroin addict by the age of 16. I still have a problem with soft drugs but don’t touch the hard stuff now. I know I have a emotional or psychological problem and if this could be true do you think it could be the reason for some of the things mentioned (actually that isn't even half of it!) ?

Yes, Lyn. You are trying to die because you feel that you ought not to be alive. You are not crazy. You are a womb twin survivor.