DZ survivors - yearning.

The life of the DZ womb twin survivor is driven by yearning for Something, but there is no way to know what that is.  The yearning is the energy behind the search, and it took me thirty long years until I found out what it was.  What follows describes where I was in 2002, when the idea of a lost twin brother first came to me and I was just beginning to recognise what it was I had always been yearning for:



The journey

In a journey of endless footsteps I gather momentum
Until the journey is myself and I the journey:
The paths proliferate before me, beckoning-
Such wonder lies beyond where every road must bend!
And in the speculation of a misty corner-
Where trees dip and bend in unseen breezes-
Lies the yearning in my heart that drives my endless footsteps, searching....
The scene is clear: the journey is the meaning and the footsteps make the road.

Yet in the linear movement lies a certain circularity;
I come back each morning to a place of long ago and far away-
Lost to memory and on the other side of time. In the echo of that fleeting vision there is longing and abandonment and a screeching loneliness,
And in my endless footsteps is the expiation of the shame I feel
For something I have never done, could never do!

The bag I carry burdens me: there is fear in there,
but sometimes laughter and the touch of friends.
Yet each step I take forwards is just one step away
And thus I greet and part from friends I dare not truly know.

For in the morning mist, when distant trees dip
And bow against invisible forces of the air,
Then into my mind creeps a tiny memory of mystery....
A creature calling to me through the years.
Who are you, creature of my will?
What do you want of me?

Must I carry this burden for you, and walk this road
To find and lose you in endless repetions?
The burden is a pain that is mine and yet not mine;
The sorrow will overwhelm me if I stay!
Yet I know the one I seek is part of me.
Without you I cannot be whole.

I carry you, burdened with your life, your pain.
Your eternal parting is enacted in my endless leaving.
Your longings breed my journeyings;
Your restless spirit drives my footsteps on this endless via dolorosa..

Will I stay a while and dare to know you?
If I look deep into the mist beyond the curve of the road
I see trees dip and bob and know the force of the wind.
If I look deep into the mist behind my eyes
I see my heart break with yearning and know the force of your life.
I long for you and need you, but I don't know who you are.

I try to leave you but you always follow me - your footsteps walk in mine.




Tell me who you are! I need to know your name!
Reveal yourself to me! I will not be afraid.
For in our union there is stillness, and rest.