I lost my twin sister two days after we were born. We were born three months premature. I have always known about her, and have always felt the effects of her death. I have suffered with depression for about ten years.
I frequently feel like something was not quite right, that my life was not "real" or complete. I chose to research twin-less twins last spring for a research paper in my Comp II class since I have always wanted to know more about being a survivor. I read "Womb Twin Survivors: an Introduction" and couldn't stop crying. I felt like I was reading my own story. Each section spoke out to me.
I always thought I was just crazy and did not belong. I am sensitive, too sensitive and get hurt easily. My emotions are "over the top" just like the article said. Exhaustion is a daily feeling that I cope with, I struggle to get out of bed each day.
What truly touched my heart is when I read the "Relationships" section. I was in a relationship with another twin less twin for five years. We were the best of friends. We often joked that we were more like brothers and sisters instead of lovers. But our similar traits destroyed us. Our relationship was extremely unhealthy. I miss him so much. I feel like I am losing my twin all over again. He filled that void that was empty for so long. I cry at the drop of a hat whenever I think of him or wake up after dreaming of him. I am still in love with him. We were supposed to be forever, get married next fall and never let go. I want to go back to him, to feel complete again but he was so bad for me.
I just want the pain to stop. I have always held on too closely to relationships. Ever since the fourth grade I have been stuck on falling in love and getting married. I had my first boyfriend when I was 9. I thought he was the one for me and I was completely crushed when he dumped me. In sixth grade, I remember coming home and climbing in bed sobbing after my boyfriend broke up with me.
My mom asked "Well honey, you didn't think you were going to marry him did you?" But I did. I thought we were going to last forever. As a child, I had a roller-coaster relationship with my family. I was completely fine at school, a happy-go-lucky girl at school; but at home I would turn into this angry, lonely, being. I hated me, I hated life. I saw no point in existing.
I screamed at my parents for no reason and always picked fights just to have some interaction with them and feel something. I became self-destructive and longed to stop living, death preoccupied my brain. I loved to cut deep into my skin and feel something, break the numbness.
Doctors diagnosed me with bipolar disorder and heavily medicated me. I was like a zombie. my hands always shook and I could not keep my eyes completely open. I lost a lot of weight and received a lot of attention from others because they thought I was starving myself. The drugs took away my appetite, they took away my soul, my ability to make complete thoughts.
I read the "Self abuse" section and couldn't believe my time of destructiveness could have been related to losing my twin.
I have also always wanted to help people. I am studying to become a counselor. I cant even explain how powerful the article was. I have also always been fascinated with pregnancy, the development of a fetus and all the stages that go along with it. I cried in my child psychology class when my professor was showing the video "The Miracle of Life". I love babies, the sight of one gives me immediate joy and comfort. I love nurturing a child, feeling needed, and important. I call myself a chronic people pleaser. I could write all day about the impact losing my twin has had on me.
Download free PDF ebook - Womb Twin Survivors - an introduction
When a twin dies before birth, the sole survivor needs help and understanding. Womb twin survivors are the sole survivors of a twin or multiple pregnancy. This group, 1 in 10 of the population, includes survivors of a stillbirth, miscarriage, abortion and a "vanishing twin" pregnancy. It is a story of a twin bond broken by death, leaving a lonely survivor.
This is one of the most intense stories yet, and the one I relate to most so far. I'm sure all of us reading can probably relate to aspects of every story, but this one for me sounds exactly like me, to a tee. Everything is there- the anger, hating yourself, happy at school, anger and depression at home, the cutting, etc. It's all there, everything I have done and felt. The only difference is, you have proof of your twin's existence and I don't. I guess this is the story I have been waiting for- the almost irrefutable proof that I've needed, that my twin was there with me and she died for whatever reason, and we amalgamated. There's no way a person could have all these feelings and not have a twin loss and not feel it to their core. I have always loved babies and been intrigued with pregnancy from a very young age. I still love babies and nothing makes me happier than holding and nurturing one. I was a chronic people pleaser when I was younger but I have let that go for the most part..I don't want to please everybody because there's a lot of people I don't give a damn about, they're evil or mean and I don't want to make them happy. I care about the people that deserve my time and caring. Children are always on that list. Other people who have gone through hell and feel unloved are on my list..I relate to them and want to help them. Anyway, thank you so much for your story and I hope you feel better for writing it and that things in your life will start to make more sense now.
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