I had a big problem eating by myself. Especially if I was not in a relationship. I didn´t feel like being able to eat. I went to a counselor who makes muscle tests. He said I feel like I need to be protected while eating. But if I was in a relationship and the other one was not around, I was OK eating. I have to have always water with me. If I´m not able to drink when I feel like it I feel like I am poisoning myself.
I thought I always missed a partner in life. And if I find one everything will be great. I feel like i
need one who helps me to know where i want to live, what to do.
I have panic attacks always in relationships. I always had big problems "sharing" my friends with others. I pegged on my friends. I remember having on good friend in school. At some point she couldn´t stand it anymore that someonw was so close to her. I didn´t like it when she went to
sports and stuff I didn't like. Looking back I wanted to be her only friend doing all the time the same things, wearing the same clothes....
I started to panic 2 years ago. Looking back it is always in context with relationships. I start to panic when I notice I don´t like the other one. Then I start to be depressed. Start to be totally close and give the other one the feeling I´m stuck on him, than I´m breaking up. I don´t like different features about the other one and I don´t like him not wanting to be close to me as much as I would like to him. I panic again because of losing him. I try to get him back. Being very sticky, still thinking the other one is my life.... The relationship doesn´t last long.
I suffer really bad for a while with having no idea how life will go on without the other one. It feels like he was my life - even that he was distanced already and that we dated only for a short time. The same happend now - I was in a long distance relationship with a guy from the US. The whole story repeated. But he hung in there longer than the other ones. I paniced all the time b/c I didn´t like his reactions and we talked a lot about breaking up. I felt again like it is better if you die, no future, no
nothing....
Last year a kinaesiologist found out that i was a twin. He tested my mother too - it was a girl. He told us to do a ritual to say good bye. We did that. But I didn´t know anything about the vanished twin, I didn´t feel anything. Last week I time travelled to my problem with hypnosis. I found myself back in the womb. Looking with my head to snuggle up on the other one on my right side. My heart beat was very strong towards this direction. I felt the first time that I killed the other one.
I communicated with the baby after being in the womb on my "safe place". The baby was happy and i told her 1000 times I´m sorry. On this day I was awful tired and worn out. I felt wonderful the next two days. I could still feel the twin.
And i felt so released! But than my trigger triggered me. My boyfriend B hadn´t written for 3 days and it was his Birthday. I panicked again. I was so disappointed after feeling so good for 2 days.
Since then I don´t feel the twin at all again. : ( I´m doubting that that is my whole problem and i´m back in being depressed. I feel so responisible for the problems I had with B. I feel like I messed it up because of being a psycho. I couldn´t react much different than he did. He felt too much pressure..... Next week I have an other hypnosis appointment. He wants to make a traumatherapy. I´m always afraid that that wont be enough because I feel like he doesn´t know too much about it.
----------------------
No comments:
Post a Comment