Monday, July 04, 2011

Healing (3) Despair

You spent several months alone in the womb after your womb twin died. Your feelings of despair were created then. The nature of your despair that arises out of your Dream of the Womb varies according to the circumstances of your womb twin’s death.
Despair is the absence of hope. This can arise out of a sense of hope being dashed. In the Dream of the Womb, the tiny person who was moving actively nearby seemed to promise a relationship that would be as close as close can be, but the promise was broken by death. That sense of dejection and being disheartened suggests a bitter disappointment. In the Dream, the hopelessness that is a large part of despair is an echo of the long, long wait for your womb twin to respond.

Womb twin survivors spend their lives with a haunting sense of Something Missing. They are restless and unsettled and vaguely unhappy, searching for Something or Someone, without knowing who or what it may be. The despair arises out of the knowledge that the Someone will never be found.
Claudia suffers with episodes of black despair that seems to have no cause. Her journal reveals clearly that during these episodes she is lost in her Dream of the Womb. Alone and filled with yearning, she knows that something is terribly wrong, but cannot understand why she feels this way.
I have deep feeling of being alone, lost in this dark feeling. Nothing penetrates this mood. I am devoid of light and love. This is such an insidious thing: I am kept in emotional realm where it is dense and dark and I am alone. It is a very profound feeling. I am alone, small, insignificant. I am shunned by everybody. I am in total isolation. There is a downward negative spiral and I am caught in it. I am back in some kind of childhood state. I am closed off. I feel myself closing off, not reaching out.
I keep my needs and my lost-ness to myself. I feel such a sense of deep loss, pain and disillusionment, a hopelessness. I want to be rescued - find a healer who can flick the switch and make life make sense instead of pulling it apart and making it all so fragmented, disconnected.
I feel spiritually squashed out of existence, like I am not here at all. My mind is clinical in looking at things. There are no spontaneous feelings. Mind and body are two distinct and distant entities. I am split in two yet whole. I am filled with melancholy. I lack focus and purpose. There is not much inspiration. I am mentally and emotionally drained. I have no energy, my muscles ache. I have to work so hard just to keep existing. Something is binding and controlling my life. I have no direction in life, I am cut off from my soul.
I feel deep sadness and disappointment. I am never good enough. I feel like crying most of the time. I am no good. I feel like I am not in the right place, that I am somehow the wrong person. I feel vulnerable and very fragile, like I cant cope with the outside world. I withdraw. The bad feelings are part of me, built in and cannot be removed. There is no hope for me.
I get annoyed about some silly thing or other, then I get badly upset, even when I know it doesn't really matter. That turns into a sense of hopelessness. I feel disillusioned and an undermining fear that takes my power away. It robs me of hope. It isolates me from others and it makes me want to return to the safety of the womb.
My deepest fear is that that my whole life is based on a lie, a false promise. There was a promise once that I remember way back deeply within me. I am very fearful of embracing the world. I am not protected. I need protection- very badly. I badly need to feel safe. I'm on the edge, teetering on the edge. It's terrifying. I feel like I could fall so easily into the abyss. I am alone.
Whenever I think about death I get into despair and hopelessness, so I just don't think about it, it's too much for me. Who can I talk to about this? I do not understand this, who could possibly understand this feeling in me?
We understand: Claudia is a womb twin survivor.

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