Womb twin story: An abortion destroyed my sister

Ever since I was a little boy, I have known that there were many things going on in the background of where I was born and in my own life. The circumstances led to my being alive at all and being a womb twin survivor and my life have been very deeply influenced by the tragedy in the womb. Actually I have always put the search first, the quest to solve the mystery around me of which I didn't even know what it was.  I'll give a very brief overview of some facts. My mother had an extramarital affair and got pregnant. She had an abortion being carried out and they didn't know there were two. From research I suspect it was an illegal abortion, it happened at home.


I have relived parts of it through a method that makes it possible to access experiences that are hidden in the subconscious. Something from outside touched me aggressively and made me shy away as far as I could. I was paralyzed with fear. It took my sister and destroyed her brutally. I have impressions of blood and body parts. I assume they have taken her out in parts, but I am not sure. all I know is that this was the end of us.

 I have no memories of my first five years. My mother's husband, who knew he was not my biological father accepted me as his son and gave me his own name as a sign of acceptance, as he told me much later. For all I know my mother has been good to me, she loved me and cared for me. Once she said to me, before I knew the truth, that when I had been a girl that she would have named me Sonia, so I know the name of my sister, even given to her by her own mother.

I have always been searching and have taken all kind of risks to discover what it was in life that I needed to find out. I've never been thinking about a twin, always about a girl that I needed to meet some day. I thought it would be something like the ideal girl for me, to be my wife. But I found out that my relationship to the girls I really liked from the first instant wasn't like that. I always felt that they and I were one, not a couple, but one being, only complete together.I have experienced some very unusual things in this respect.

When I was 43 my father told me about the circumstances of my conception, not about the abortions (there have been more then one.)  The discovery of my twin sister came when I was 50, my father had already died by then, his widow from his second marriage told me about the abortions, she had been my mother's friend back then and my mother had confided in her several times about her affair and her pregnancies.

The discovery of my sister has been a very deep experience, in a flash everything about my life became clear. What I find now is that I have been hard wired for symbiosis, that part doesn't change after the discovery. The discovery has changed my life, I went through a long period of grief and joy, and yet, I keep enacting my relationship with her. I am married to a singleton whom I love very much, but she cannot fill the gap, she's my wife, not my sister and she is not symbiotic in our relationship, while I am. So a few times somebody has come on my path who seemed to jump right into that gap that needs to be filled. This has led to a lot of tension in my relationship with my wife, but we have survived so far.