That day was miraculous. Many strange and wonderful things happened. I saw people - I SAW them. And I had a glimmer of understanding regarding my self - this disturbed, sad, neglected, insecure and ludicrous things that passed for me.
It was the first important realization - there were two of us. I was not alone inside my body.
One was an extrovert, facile, gregarious, attention-consuming, adulation-dependent, charming, ruthless and manic-depressive being The other was schizoid, shy, dependent, phobic, suspicious, pessimistic, dysphoric and helpless creature - a kid, really. I began to observe these two alternating. The first (whom I called Ninko Leumas - an anagram of the Hebrew spelling of my name) would invariably appear to interact with people.
It didn't feel like putting a mask on or like I had another personality. It was just like I am MORE me. It was a caricature of the TRUE me, of Shmuel. Shmuel hated people. He felt inferior, physically repulsive and socially incompetent. Ninko also hated people. He held them in contempt. THEY were inferior to his superior qualities and skills. He needed their admiration but he resented this fact and he accepted their offerings condescendingly.
As I pieced my fragmented and immature self together I began to see that Shmuel and Ninko were flip sides of the SAME coin. Ninko seemed to be trying to compensate Shmuel, to protect him, to isolate him from hurt and to exact revenge whenever he failed. At this stage I was not sure who was manipulating who and I did not have the most rudimentary acquaintance with this vastly rich continent I discovered inside me. But that was only the beginning.
Is Sam Vaknin an MZ womb twin survivor, or am I a pink frog?
BTW this is the book:
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| The book by Sam Vaknin |
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| The pink frog |
Well? What do you think?
You are definitely NOT a pink frog! This is how I have felt my entire life...that I was two halves of a whole person..with two different personalities and traits, yet the two worked together in some marvelous symphony. My MZ sister has been integrated in me since birth, and I wouldn't want it any other way.
ReplyDeleteMe thinks that the only pink frog is your picture! It sounds like an 'identifiable' story. I am sure most monozygotic twin survivors can relate to this very descriptive explanation of being 'two in one'. Finding that both sides of the coin are one entity. The alpha being 'heads', and beta, being 'tails'. My hubby says that he has felt like he has been married to two totally different women at time. Lately I am pleased to say the 'heads' is more clearer than ever before with the acceptance of shared cells,genes and DNA.
ReplyDeleteI could have written that... I recognise it completely.
ReplyDeleteYou are not a pink frog! This is a description of me as well!! Very typical with people who are MZ survivors it seems....
ReplyDeleteAs a womb-triplet survivor I recognise stuff of all three of us in me. And one was not MZ! So it may not only connect to the MZ wombtwins...
ReplyDeleteI am not sure yet about the MZ womb twin survivors, but what seems to stand out here is the dual personality with two very different, polarised aspects - Sam has given them names and they are quite distinct in every way, except that they both hate people.
ReplyDeleteAs for the womb triplets, in that case there are three ways of being you, as you say. Sam Vaknin sounds like an MZ womb twin survivor because he has two very different ways of being himself. A split personality - in every way!