There is a grey cloud with me
always. It hovers just out of sight. It does not lie within me, but
outside of me. It is Other. It is a brooding, silent presence of
mystery, it is sadness and desolation. In it there is no hope, no joy.
All my life I have tried to explain the cloud that haunts me by
pretending it is part of me. I have walked a way of inner emptiness. I
have quelled all desire and yearning. I have used all my inner strength
for this sacrifice. I have surrendered all these things and handed over
my life. I have become nothing, without feeling, without desire. I am
grey. I have become the cloud.
Pride, is it said, is the father of all sin. I would put it differently: it is the father of all negativity. Pride is the deliberate concealment of shame by denial. This careful concealment is a fearful, rigid, negative and deadening place. Sometimes negativity is mistaken for something other than pride, but if we take a close look we will find pride there.
Fearful
If you deny feeling shame then you are blinding yourself to the consequences of your actions. You may do this by pretending that the shameful thing you are doing (or not doing) isn't happening. Alternatively, you may pretend that the thing you are doing (or choosing not to do) is nothing to be ashamed of. Either way exposure is to be feared.
