When I was younger I was a very depressive teenager, drama queen, codependent, scared of being alone especially in the dark at night, paranoid about being kidnapped, convinced my parents had given away my twin, convinced I didn’t belong here, lonely, full of grief & sadness, woeful, full of self pity, unable to set boundaries, didn’t know what I wanted, lethargic, no motivation for life unless I thought it would fill the hole in my soul I had, searching for something/one. I carried this into my 20s when I started to drink heavily & binge & starve – again contradiction – loved to eat & yet I’d starve myself until my body craved food so much I’d binge for weeks on end. Wanted attention & yet I didn’t, wanted men to think I was sexy & yet didn’t want to have sex with them – was called a prick tease a lot; wanted to fit in & yet didn’t really like/trust anyone. Episodes of not wanting to live yet not wanting to kill myself either – just wanting ‘it’ to be over.What is wrong? The Dream is all. The self pity is real, for the wound is real, but the wound can heal. If you pick at the scars, they will never heal.
Time for self-forgiveness; time to forgive yourself for the sin of simply being alive.I wear my heart beneath my sleeve. I may lift my sleeve and show my scars.One day, when I get to know you. I may decide to share my pain.I wear my heart around my neck for all to seeYet it is hidden just beneath the neckline.Do not dare to enquire why my heart is broken, for I do not know.It seems to be an ancient wound that lies deep inside my mind;It lies in the pain of others handed down to me.It is the pain of love known and lost.Oh how gladly I accept the pain! I am a vessel for the pain of the world;I bleed for you, for many and for the pain I feel within me and without you.What blessed touch can stop this wound from leaching life away from me?How may I staunch the flow and let the scab begin to form?Only hope and complete surrender to the pain of simply being;Only love and self-forgiveness poured into a well of wounds;Only time and rest and the company of angels.Only silence and the power of soft tranquillity;.Only simple faith that healing can come:- will comeAnd in my heart all things will come to good.