When I was younger I was a very depressive teenager, drama queen, codependent, scared of being alone especially in the dark at night, paranoid about being kidnapped, convinced my parents had given away my twin, convinced I didn’t belong here, lonely, full of grief & sadness, woeful, full of self pity, unable to set boundaries, didn’t know what I wanted, lethargic, no motivation for life unless I thought it would fill the hole in my soul I had, searching for something/one. I carried this into my 20s when I started to drink heavily & binge & starve – again contradiction – loved to eat & yet I’d starve myself until my body craved food so much I’d binge for weeks on end. Wanted attention & yet I didn’t, wanted men to think I was sexy & yet didn’t want to have sex with them – was called a prick tease a lot; wanted to fit in & yet didn’t really like/trust anyone. Episodes of not wanting to live yet not wanting to kill myself either – just wanting ‘it’ to be over.What is wrong? The Dream is all. The self pity is real, for the wound is real, but the wound can heal. If you pick at the scars, they will never heal.
Old Wounds [more like this]
Time for self-forgiveness; time to forgive yourself for the sin of simply being alive.I wear my heart beneath my sleeve. I may lift my sleeve and show my scars.One day, when I get to know you. I may decide to share my pain.I wear my heart around my neck for all to seeYet it is hidden just beneath the neckline.Do not dare to enquire why my heart is broken, for I do not know.It seems to be an ancient wound that lies deep inside my mind;It lies in the pain of others handed down to me.It is the pain of love known and lost.Oh how gladly I accept the pain! I am a vessel for the pain of the world;I bleed for you, for many and for the pain I feel within me and without you.What blessed touch can stop this wound from leaching life away from me?How may I staunch the flow and let the scab begin to form?Only hope and complete surrender to the pain of simply being;Only love and self-forgiveness poured into a well of wounds;Only time and rest and the company of angels.Only silence and the power of soft tranquillity;.Only simple faith that healing can come:- will comeAnd in my heart all things will come to good.
the words "the self pity is real, for the wound is real" touched my heart so deeply...
ReplyDeletebut i really feel, it is hard to forgive myself...
hopefully you gonna give us some more advice about that...
looking forward to it...
best
Maybe I can help the person who posted the comment above. For almost my entire life (except for maybe the lat two years) I hated myself, blamed myself, despised myself. As a child and a teenager and a young adult I wished I had never been born. BUT....then I realized that I had done a lot of wonderful things that would never have occurred had I not been born. To you, my dear fellow survivor, I say, you are MEANT to be here. You are a precious person and deserve all the good life has. What happened to you, me, and all the other survivors was not our doing. We did not make our twins leave. It was by design, from God, and if you don't believe in God, then it mwas by design of fate. It all happened for a reason. We were not included in that decision. But our presence here on earth is an integral part of the grand scheme. Love yourself! Know that you are so special, there is no one else quite like you (except for your twin) and that your twin loves you dearly and that relationship can never be destroyed. I am glad you are here...we all need each other.
ReplyDeleteDear fellow survivor,
ReplyDeletethank you so much for your warm words...i had tears in my eyes when i read that...
my big problem with myself is that i am doing so many mistakes...
i try to compensate them with good deeds...but it means all nothing because i always hurt someone else with every move i make...
and that pain i am responsible for, tortures me so much...
but i am very grateful for your try to comfort me...
all the best for you
and thank you Althea for you blog!
Dear People
ReplyDeleteI think its simply a matter of forgiving yourself of the sin of simply being alive. Its a crucial step, without which healing can never fully occur. Its the last step in healing, in fact. Something new tomorrow as we move onto a series of allegories. They may (hopefully will) reach the deeper parts that my other blog posts cannot reach! I hope you find in them the deep meanings you need, as you make the journey to healing. Keep talking to me as we do it because I LOVE feedback, no matter if it's positive or negative, so keep the comments coming! Thanks. Althea.
Wonderful post today Althea! I really enjoyed that. And to my fellow survivors, always remember, you're never alone. We all know what each other is going through, and I think that's something special to be a part of.
ReplyDelete