A healing path (7) Forgiving others

 This is what it is like to be filled with resentment.

Why doesn’t everyone else have this? How do they cope? I am jealous & resentful of all those people around me doing normal things – I feel totally disconnected today – the whole world could blow up I wouldn’t give a toss –I’m sick of fighting this – sick of trying to make a life – I don’t want to accept myself as a depressive failure because I know I’m not – I’m cut off from that part of me that loves life – I’m cut off from the joy, the being-ness – I feel alone & desperate – like its never going to be any different – like this is all there is .

What is it in ME that I have to do this emotional work – where do I ever get with it? Where am I going? I just don’t want to be this person today – this person with all this shit still, this person with all these emotional problems, with these anxieties, with no job, with an underweight, undernourished sick body.  I don’t want it anymore & I’m not sure how much longer I can cope with this. Manage to get thro life – but I want to LIVE it. What do I do with it? – what do I do with it? How do I become free from this?

Resentment starts when our expectations or dreams are disappointed. We have lost something very valuable to us. We want recompense for the damages. But who can recompense us for the loss of our womb twin? This is a loss that cannot be restored.

The answer is to forgive.

Do you believe that you feel bad about yourself because you were bullied, abused or shamed by others?  Are you absolutely sure that you were not colluding at the time? Every bully and abuser needs a victim and every critical person needs someone to make them feel superior. 

Only when you understand that you willingly adopted the Beta position relative to their Alpha, and took on all the pain and shame, ( most of which was not yours)  will you be able to forgive. No one was trying to hurt you. You allowed other people to hurt you by taking responsibility for the whole painful episode. You are 100% responsible for only 50% of the mess.

So let's say your mother was a narcissistic bully and needed someone to bolster her fragile ego.  She chose you.  Now you know (because you have been reading the Womb Twin books and are well-informed on these matters)  that people with a fragile ego are womb twin survivors, sitting in their Beta space.  They need a Beta to join in the reenactment of their Dream, so they can become the Alpha and feel strong  So there you are, as a child, willingly acting out the false Beta, eating out of her hand, submitting to the bullying. You were (and probably still are) always ready to heal your own mother's fragility out of your love for her.  The more pain she saw you experience, the better it was for her.  You knew that, but one day her pain became yours.

Forgiveness means handing back the pain that you so willingly took on: -  back to the person whose pain it truly is.  It may not even be your mother's pain, but may belong to a previous generation, as ancestral pain. It is certainly not yours.  Hand it back.

Then you may feel pity for the people who once hurt you, in their ignorance of what they are doing and why they have been doing it, but you don't have to feel their pain any more. And that is the healing.