Chapter 21: Self sabotage

 Self-sabotage is so widespread that one could consider it a general human failing or part of the human condition.  Viewed objectively however, in the process of self-sabotage foolish acts are willingly carried out that deliberately dismantle the very foundation of a successful project.
These acts are deliberate, conscious and inappropriate choices.  They are not instinctual or genetically imprinted.  The motive behind these choices is mysterious.  If you are a womb twin survivor you will already be aware of how you sabotage your life but you may not be clear about why you do it.  Once the idea that self-defeating behaviour is driven by survivor guilt is in place, then it makes perfect sense that you would not feel allowed to succeed, to have riches, good fortune or even personal happiness.


I have been searching for something all my life but I don’t know what it is

The search for the lost twin can take many forms.  It may be a desperate and lonely quest in search of some vague an ineffable Someone or Something.  There are womb twin survivors to be found in far-flung places of the world, a long way from home.  They only stay a while in any place and soon move on: they have not been home for years.  In the vast continent of North America, a certain proportion of people choose to take to the road.  They are always on the move while the rest are happy to stay at home.  Could this restless group be the womb twin survivors?  They may have been inspired by the ever-elusive American Dream but how much is this endless journey an echo of another Dream from long ago before birth?  It is a long journey to Somewhere, but it has within it a kind of circularity.  Wherever you are, you are still searching, stuck in your Dream of the Womb.  Perhaps you are a womb twin survivor who has travelled far from home for reasons you do not quite understand.  Perhaps your journeying provides a mode of expression for a deep and painful sense
of longing that is never satisfied.  You can make your home anywhere but you never belong.  You make sure of that by always moving on. It is a fruitless search, seeking Someone who can never be found.  The search may take you into a series of relationships, as you seek out that mysterious, pre-birth twin bond that feels so essential to your well-being.  In turn, even after many years, each relationship will prove a disappointment, for it can never replace the intimate bond that is your template for all relationships in your life.

Some people feel as if they are searching for themselves.  They imagine that they only partly exist in this world.  Perhaps you are a womb twin survivor and feel this way.  If so, you may be in search of a missing part of yourself, which is your lost twin.  If you do not understand that, you will continue to sabotage your life by never accepting the world and your life as it is.

All my life I have felt restless and unsettled
One way to cope with psychological distress is to avoid thinking about it by being busy.  Frenetic activity, constant changes of job, moving house every year and moving from one relationship to another are all signs of being restlessness and unsettled.

Constant, restless movement is like a journey that always turns in upon itself.  As much as you try to avoid the pain, it dogs your footsteps and you never seem to move forward.  If you are a womb twin survivor and you have always been restless, then staying in the same place or continuing to do the same thing for a long time may seem somehow wrong.  The desire to keep moving may arise out of a deep, inner doubt about your ability to take root and grow.

Never finding a place to settle may be in your Dream of the Womb.  You might carry a memory of one or more embryos that never managed to implant properly in the womb wall.  This could be why you cannot allow yourself to take root and grow.  You find it hard to slow down, remain in the same place and stay in the same job for a long time.  To be static may seem unthinkable to you at the moment, like a living death, but consider how little you allow yourself to develop.  A rolling stone may indeed gather no moss but it is the static stones that are strongest and are chosen to build our greatest monuments.  A restlessness of character may be related to trying hard to control events, stop bad things happening to people and keep people happy.  It can be related to a vague sense of dread that a Bad Thing is about to happen, which is straight out of your Dream of the Womb.  The Bad Thing is the death of your twin.  Your foetal assumption is, after a while, the Bad Thing will start to happen and you live that out as your womb script.  Naturally enough, after the initial joys of any new experience, your familiar sense of restlessness begins to increase, along with a vague sense of dread.  Yet again, your Dream is realized.  You move on, leaving behind an unfinished project, an unrealized dream and possibly also some very disappointed colleagues, who are sad to see you go.  Meanwhile, in the far distance is a mysterious, hidden place where everything is fresh and new:  that is what keeps you on the move.

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