Tales for the journey: The coat - (self reliance)

It was a large warm coat that wrapped me in its folds, and within which I felt safe.  It was given me by my mother, who said nothing about it to me at the time, but I came to understand that it would keep me warm against the cold winds that often blew, and so I wore it always.  There were pockets on the outside, and also secret pockets in the inside. In fact there were so many pockets that I sometimes couldn’t find what I wanted unless I searched very hard and for a long time.

In the beginning it was smooth and soft.  It blew in the wind and fresh air wafted around me within the folds.  I soon found the pockets useful. They were large and there was room for all kinds of treasure in them.  I went about collecting treasures, and hid them in my pockets until they were all filled.  People saw me in the coat and said “Look how she is growing!” and I stood tall and proud of being big, but in my secret heart I knew that I was much smaller than my coat.

When I wanted a comb, there was a comb in my pocket, ready for use.  When I wanted some bread, sure enough, there was bread.  It was good to know that I was never in want, that everything I wanted was there, in my coat.

Womb twin survivors misdiagnosed: (3) "Obsessive-compulsive" disorder

On the womb twin forum recently there has been a thread about obsessive thoughts about a lost twin - was there a twin or not?   To obsess about anything - some small detail perhaps, or death, or  needing to feel safe or extremely clean - is probably best described as a preoccupation rather than as an obsession.
To obsess is to dominate or preoccupy the houghts, feelings, or desires of (a person); beset, trouble, or haunt persistently or abnormally.
Many years ago, when I began this project, I was accused by a dear friend of being in the grip of a "compulsion" to do this work.    I was hurt at the time by such a profound degree of misunderstanding of my own behaviour and motives, but after a while I began to understand that this said more about the person saying it than me.
A compulsion  is a strong, usually irresistible impulse to perform an act, especially one that is irrational or contrary to one's will.
Both concepts appear to concern the action of some external force upon the will of an individual. To believe that anything can act as some kind of external force  upon the will of an individual is to deny the possibility of choice.

A choice is an act of the will. It may be influenced by such things as coercion or threat, but ultimately is is a choice.  If you feel you have no choice, you are assuming you have no autonomy and possibly no brain of your own capable of independent action.

I believe that womb twin survivors fall into obsessions and compulsions as an expression of a deep sense of failure to have autonomy or control.  I believe that this is yet another example of keeping  alive ones lost beta twin, and in this case the beta twin had no autonomy, no capacity for independent action because he or she never developed a fully functioning brain.

Observe any compulsion on the TV: the shows about obesity (compulsive eating) hoarding, spending, gambling, alcholism,  drug addiction, compulsive caring, self harming, internet porn addiction,  etc etc. The story is always the same: an individual is out of control and heading for the 4D's - disaster, debt, divorce and death.
How to help?  To make progress, the obsessive-compulsive individual requires two opposing energies to be at work:

• Someone to give them intelligent advice (while inwardly they feel patronised and infantilised)
• Someone to take control (while inwardly they feel their personal privacy is being invaded)
• Someone to provide incentives, praise, encouragement (while inwardly they are resisting personal growth with every ounce of their extremely strong will - their Alpha energy.)

The truth of their Alpha energy is in their resistance to change. Obsessive-compulsive behaviour is a brilliant method of using the power of one's will to resist any attempt by another individual to bring about behavioral change in the longer term.  Its a neat way to stay in the Beta space - weak, helpless and beset by forces beyond one's control.  It is a choice.  A stupid, self-sabotaging choice, but a choice nonetheless.

I believe that the best way to help someone with the so called " obsessive-compulsive disorder"  is to discuss the possible reasons why someone would willingly make a series of stupid, self defeating choices.  One reason could be clarified very quickly with a single question :  "Is it possible that you are a womb twin survivor?" 

[Read my new book for more about this]
 

The fraternal womb twin survivor (1) compulsive caring

Compulsive caring or helping is an addiction, at least according to the PROMIS clinic in London. They say:

What is the difference between helpful helping and compulsive helping?
.......... helpful is where we care for others in our life – but we do not step over into taking on their responsibilities for them, which is what happens when we compulsively help. When I compulsively help, it is in order to run A.N. Other’s life for him or her and to take the focus off running my own life. When I feel good because I am focusing on someone else and I am unaware of anything else except what I am trying to do for the other person in my life, whether family member or friend, whether addict or not, then that is compulsive helping.

The fraternal (dizygotic, or DZ) womb twin survivor is completely different from the identical (monozygotic or MZ) womb twin survivor in many ways, but the difference is particularly acute with regard to helping others. The DZ womb twin survivor is focused outwardly towards Someone Out There, whereas the MZ twin survivor is focused on Someone In Here.

This means that in relationship to others the DZ womb twin survivor twin will notice where help is needed, while the MZ womb twin survivor is focused inwardly and will not see the need for help -or if they do, will not have any desire to reach out and offer it, lest there be some negative effect upon them as a result. For example, seeing a mother struggling upstairs at a railway station with a push chair and baby, the DZ womb twin survivor will find it impossible not to offer help, whereas theMZ twin survivor, concerned for their own well being, may walk past rather than risk injury lifing the push chair, and may even be critical of the mother for taking the push chair on the train at all.

This story may make the DZ womb twin survivor appear to be"good" and MZ womb twin survivors to be "bad", but this is not so: each one is keeping alive their individual Dream of the Womb. The DZ womb twin survivor is keeping alive their little lost twin, who did not have the strength or energy to survive.

For example,David Winnicott, child psychologist and probably a DZ womb twin survivor himself, wrote a poem a about his depressed mother:

Once, stretched out of her lap
I learned to make her smile
to stem her tears
to undo her guilt
to sure her inward death
To enliven her was my living.

See this article for more:
TO ENLIVEN HER WAS MY LIVING’: THOUGHTS ON COMPLIANCE AND SACRIFICE AS CONSEQUENCES OF MALIGNANT IDENTIFICATION WITH A NARCISSISTIC PARENT

The psychologists can talk about "malignant identification with a narcissistic parent" if they wish  -and after all who am I to criticise their ideas? But this idea does not make half as much sense as Winnicott being a highly empathetic womb twin survivor whose sister was lost before birth and whose mother ( the replacent twin sister) was very needy indeed.

Truly, new knowledge about the psychology of womb twin survivors is about to turn some well worn psychological theories upside down......I hope I am still around when that happens!