Tales for the journey: The coat - (self reliance)

It was a large warm coat that wrapped me in its folds, and within which I felt safe.  It was given me by my mother, who said nothing about it to me at the time, but I came to understand that it would keep me warm against the cold winds that often blew, and so I wore it always.  There were pockets on the outside, and also secret pockets in the inside. In fact there were so many pockets that I sometimes couldn’t find what I wanted unless I searched very hard and for a long time.

In the beginning it was smooth and soft.  It blew in the wind and fresh air wafted around me within the folds.  I soon found the pockets useful. They were large and there was room for all kinds of treasure in them.  I went about collecting treasures, and hid them in my pockets until they were all filled.  People saw me in the coat and said “Look how she is growing!” and I stood tall and proud of being big, but in my secret heart I knew that I was much smaller than my coat.

When I wanted a comb, there was a comb in my pocket, ready for use.  When I wanted some bread, sure enough, there was bread.  It was good to know that I was never in want, that everything I wanted was there, in my coat.

Womb twin survivors in relationship: a new movie uploaded today

I am making movies at the moment : here is one of them.

DZ womb twin survivors: Alpha into false Beta

Alpha into false Beta - the co-dependency game

When a person uses their Alpha quality of dominance and initiative to take over another Alpha person's problem, they allow the other person to act passively when this person is of course quite capable of taking control of the situation by themselves.Meanwhile, the person who is taken over is in fact not being "taken over" at all: they are choosing to give away their power to the other and volunteering a new role as a false Beta. This is co-dependency, because each denies their Alpha qualities by giving them to the other.

For example, here is a familiar tale: a heavy drinking Alpha male characteristically passes out at a party because of an excess of alcohol. His capable wife ( who usually plays the Beta role to keep him happy as leading Alpha ) takes charge as usual in these circumstances: she mops up the vomit, undresses him and puts him to bed. She also washes his clothes and makes apologies to the hostess. Thus she is the leading Alpha in this pair and he gives all his power to her and becomes the passive Beta.

MZ womb twin survivors - finding a kindred spirit

The MZ womb twin survivor always seeks out a kindred spirit - someone who is similar is some way, either in looks, or behaviour or interests or beliefs.

For example, Eva loves people, and is always inviting people to her house to feed them sumptuous meals, but she is always somehow in the back ground of the group, serving the food. However  if she finds someone who agrees with her opinions or who likes to do what she likes to do, she becomes excessively excited and awakens  in a way, and feels very happy and contented.

IT is not unusual for young MZ survivors to talk about " another me" and be interested in their own mirror image, for here at last is the missing identical twin!

At school there is the Best Friend, who is always there, and you do  everything together.  Julie, who has  severe cerebral palsy ( a condition associated with the loss of an MZ twin before birth)  and  spent her youth at a special school for the disabled,  asked only for a twin pram for her dolls and  when she was sent away to school made an instant and lifelong bond with another girl, and insisted in being next to her at all times. The other girl had  great difficulty communicating but Julie always knew what she wanted.

Parent/child co-dependency

I have been discussing a difficult mother with a womb twin survivor.  This mother blames her daughter, who is a sole surviving twin, for the loss of the other. The second child, a girl, was stillborn.

In a co-dependent relationship there is a coalescence of  two  "Dreams of the womb."   In one individual, be it parent or child, there is a lost twin, which provided as a primary experience the closest bond in nature. In the parent/child relationship that lost bond can be restored. Meanwhile in the other there is another lost twin bond, also met in relationship to the other.


But here is the tragedy of parent/child co dependency, and it is three fold:

Can a parent replace a lost twin?

As we continue to explore parenting and womb twin survivors, we uncover a kind of  co-dependency between parent and child. This can be very painful and damaging for both parties and can take a womb twin survivor into therapy, faced with complex relationship difficulties that will persist as long as the issue of being a womb twin survivor remains unaddressed.  I'll try to clarify a few of these difficulties today: the question is, can a parent replace a lost twin?

The prebirth origins of codependent relationships (2) the end of the dance

In his book "Codependence: the dance of the wounded souls"  Robert Burney says:

"Emotionally we are drawn to people who feel familiar on an
energetic level. That is, people who, on an emotional vibrational
level, resonate with us as being familiar. It feels to us as if we
have a strong connection to those people. In other words, we
have an inner radar system that causes us to be attracted to
people who resonate vibrationally in a way that is familiar on an
emotionally intimate level. We are attracted to people whose
inner emotional dynamic is similar to our most powerful and
earliest experience of emotional intimacy and love - our
parents."

If I hear one more word about how emotional wounding is to do with parents - I will scream! 

The prebirth origins of co-dependent relationships (1)

If you ever wondered why people find it so hard to leave dysfunctional relationships, and indeed why those relationships are dysfunctional anyway, then consider the lost twin Dream of the Womb.

The womb twin hypothesis says this:

Womb twin survivors (ie the sole survivors of a twin or multiple pregnancy) seem to spend their lives re-enacting the life and death of their womb twin. Nothing appears to be more important than that, even life itself. Once the real pre-birth scene, which is being constantly re-enacted, is made clear, then the re-enactment tends to diminish or cease altogether, greatly to the benefit of the individual.

Just take a look at these three images, which are extracts from my Womb Twin presentation for workshops and conferences.

The fraternal womb twin survivor (1) compulsive caring

Compulsive caring or helping is an addiction, at least according to the PROMIS clinic in London. They say:

What is the difference between helpful helping and compulsive helping?
.......... helpful is where we care for others in our life – but we do not step over into taking on their responsibilities for them, which is what happens when we compulsively help. When I compulsively help, it is in order to run A.N. Other’s life for him or her and to take the focus off running my own life. When I feel good because I am focusing on someone else and I am unaware of anything else except what I am trying to do for the other person in my life, whether family member or friend, whether addict or not, then that is compulsive helping.

The fraternal (dizygotic, or DZ) womb twin survivor is completely different from the identical (monozygotic or MZ) womb twin survivor in many ways, but the difference is particularly acute with regard to helping others. The DZ womb twin survivor is focused outwardly towards Someone Out There, whereas the MZ twin survivor is focused on Someone In Here.

This means that in relationship to others the DZ womb twin survivor twin will notice where help is needed, while the MZ womb twin survivor is focused inwardly and will not see the need for help -or if they do, will not have any desire to reach out and offer it, lest there be some negative effect upon them as a result. For example, seeing a mother struggling upstairs at a railway station with a push chair and baby, the DZ womb twin survivor will find it impossible not to offer help, whereas theMZ twin survivor, concerned for their own well being, may walk past rather than risk injury lifing the push chair, and may even be critical of the mother for taking the push chair on the train at all.

This story may make the DZ womb twin survivor appear to be"good" and MZ womb twin survivors to be "bad", but this is not so: each one is keeping alive their individual Dream of the Womb. The DZ womb twin survivor is keeping alive their little lost twin, who did not have the strength or energy to survive.

For example,David Winnicott, child psychologist and probably a DZ womb twin survivor himself, wrote a poem a about his depressed mother:

Once, stretched out of her lap
I learned to make her smile
to stem her tears
to undo her guilt
to sure her inward death
To enliven her was my living.

See this article for more:
TO ENLIVEN HER WAS MY LIVING’: THOUGHTS ON COMPLIANCE AND SACRIFICE AS CONSEQUENCES OF MALIGNANT IDENTIFICATION WITH A NARCISSISTIC PARENT

The psychologists can talk about "malignant identification with a narcissistic parent" if they wish  -and after all who am I to criticise their ideas? But this idea does not make half as much sense as Winnicott being a highly empathetic womb twin survivor whose sister was lost before birth and whose mother ( the replacent twin sister) was very needy indeed.

Truly, new knowledge about the psychology of womb twin survivors is about to turn some well worn psychological theories upside down......I hope I am still around when that happens!

A fraternal womb twin survivor - co-dependency

There are various theories about why co-dependency develops in an individual, but none of them are clearer or more cogent than to say that co-dependent people are fraternal (dizygotic) womb twin survivors.. Over the next six days I will explain how co-dependent people are re-enacting their Dream of the Womb, wherein lies a little lost fraternal twin.

Here is one excellent example of how writers on this subject have got within a millimetre of diagnosing the problem according to the Womb Twin hypothesis but they didn't know about womb twin survivors, so they completely missed the point:

Love addictions come out of a neediness to be loved, which started when the young child was not loved and cared for in safe and supportive ways. Perhaps the baby was not wanted and picked up this message from the parents. Perhaps the child was criticized and scolded leaving her with a feeling of being flawed. Maybe she felt that she could never meet her parent's unrealistic expectations. Or decided that she was unworthy when she was rejected and abandoned by those she loved. All of these possibilities create insecurity and low self esteem in the child.

[What is the womb twin hypothesis? See here]

The codependent will try anything to help intimate relationships survive. [more]

Codependency is when a person has a strong desire to control people around them, including their spouse, children or co-workers. Codependents believe they are somehow more capable than others, who need their direction or suggestions to fulfill tasks they are responsible to complete. They feel compassion for people who may be hurting and feel they should be the one to help them. Codependent people give of their time, emotions, finances, and other resources. They have a very difficult time saying "no" to any requests made of them.

 Well, if the first bond ever created in your life, which was with your fraternal twin, was broken, would you as the sole survivor not be desperate to keep alive any intimate relationship you have in born life?

Nothing - not a full life nor an early death - would be more important than that. 

Homosexuality and womb twin survivors

When identical twins differ in their sexual orientation, this makes for an interesting exchange of views, as this Hub page demonstrates:

Two identical brothers, one gay, one straight, argue the issue of same-sex marriage.
Read more here

But  the whole argument is based on several false premises

1.  That all monozygotic twins are genetically identical  - WRONG
2.  That a twin pair is, and has always been, just a twin pair   - WRONG
3.  That same-sex marriage is do to with sexuality and adult feelings - WRONG.

We need to think again:

1. Even in the first split of the single zygote there can be inequalities or  anomalies ( see mirror twins, Turners syndrome)

2. As I explained in a previous post when we see a twin pair we may be seeing a reduced multiple set, or triplets or even quads

3. The desire for a same sex marriage is a pre-birth story on both sides,  of two womb twin survivors who are trying to reinstate their missing twin. Where each is the sole survivor of a triplet set, they may even want to have children to  completely restore their Dream of the Womb.   It gets complicated. Ask anyone in a codependent relationship about their desire for a Twin Soul.)