On the pain of empathetic failure - mainly for therapists

Empathy

Many womb twin survivors have a problem with empathy - too much or too little.  I came across this material today among my computer files on healing,  and I think I may include it in the new book, but here is a taster:

Definitions of empathy

Empathy is bothering to guess the inner experience of another with the help of intuitively obtained information. Empathy is trying to see into the mind of the other. Empathy is the desire to know and understand the nature of the interior world of the other person.

There can be no empathy if there is no desire to reach out to the other. There can be no empathy if there is no wish to create emotional intimacy with the other. There cannot be empathy without love. There cannot be love without empathy.

Healing Narcissus : reaching out to Echo

The main thing about narcissism, from what I have read and experienced, is that  it has a poor prognosis. Therapist have theorised  for generations about the best way forward in attempting to heal this distressing, dark, self destructive and generally negative way of life.

My feeling is that Echo is the answer.

To remind you, Echo was the nymph who loved Narcissus, but that love was not reciprocated. All his energy was directed towards maintaining contact with his other half, his Beta twin, who could never love him back, but whose continuing presence was essential.  Here is her story:

Narcissus and his twin - the myth

It is becoming increasingly clear to me that the myth of Narcissus is about the lost identical twin. That means that what we call "Narcissistic personality disorder" is not a disorder at all, but a perfectly normal response to the loss of your own identical twin before birth, if you are a monozygotic (MZ) womb twin survivor.

Consider the myth: as related on a special site about narcissism

In this tale, told by Roman poet Ovid and remembered for his verses on love, a young girl named Echo falls in love with a vain youth named Narcissus. He was the son of a woman that the river god had encircled with the windings of his streams, thus trapping and seducing her. Worried for her son’s welfare, she consulted a prophet regarding his future. The prophet reports: Narcissus "will live to a ripe old age, as long as he never knows himself."

One day when Narcissus was out hunting, Echo follows the handsome youth through the woods, longing to address him but unable to speak first. When Narcissus finally heard her footsteps he shouted "Who goes there?" Echo answered "...goes there? ...goes there?" And so it went, until finally Echo showed herself and rushed to embrace Narcissus. He pulled away and vainly told her to leave him alone. Narcissus left Echo heartbroken and she spent the rest of her life lonely and pining away for the love she never knew. Only her voice remained. 

Eventually Narcissus became thirsty and went to drink from a stream. As he saw his reflection, he fell in love with it, not knowing that it was him. As he bent down to kiss it, it seemed to "run away" and he was heartbroken. He grew thirstier but he wouldn't touch the water for fear of damaging his reflection, so he eventually died of thirst and staring at his own reflection. The narcissus flower is closely identified with the boy and was said to spring from the ground around the pool where Narcissus died. In the roman version it is suggested that Narcissus is transformed into the flower.

As life would have it, the desire for connection, understanding, and proximity to the other becomes so great…that the longing kills Narcissus.