Healing Narcissus: is there a way forward?

A wonderful couple in Australia, Steve and Kim Cooper, have worked at narcissism in their marriage and have got the the point where they are still together and Steve, the one who is the most narcissistic, is no longer bullying his family, lying and acting irresponsibly.

Follow their story here

They had a long interview on blog talk radio with the author of "You might be a narcissist if....." and it was clear from what they said that, far from being the kind of condition that cannot be cured so the best thing to do was to leave, in fact things can get much better.

It was at that point, with so much good news,  that I began to believe that there was after all, a way forward for the narcissistic womb twin survivors who were coming to me in increasing numbers, and in great distress and need.

I'll let Steve Cooper tell his own story:



and this is what he wrote about his story (see here)

Song of the Male Narcissist

When I said that I would leave you  I meant "Don't let me go"
and instead of saying yes to you I said "I'll let you know."

I put myself above you so you'd think me some great prize
and blamed my faults upon you all because of my false pride.

So I know you have good reason for complaining like you do
because I never really thought of you, just 'to mine own ego' was I true.

But the truth is I'm embarrassed for how badly I've behaved
and for being such a coward I really am ashamed.

Cause I don't want you to guess how helpless that I feel
and that I don't know how to save you even though my love is real.

There is so much I have to learn and if you're needing proof
just look at how I twist and turn and struggle with the truth.

I cannot be your hero  and I don't always understand
and really I just want you to see  the child within this man.

I'm so scared that you will leave me  when you see my acts a sham
and that I gave up long ago on being loved for who I am.

I need a guiding hand in life  and need you to be strong
I need you to be virtuous and let me tag along,

set me goals I can achieve  and praise me where you can
not for the act - just for the steps  I take to become a man,

cause I still have tantrums like a baby and think I must get my way
and I don't know how to listen  and I haven't learned to pray.

So love and please don't leave me and help me learn to get along,
but stop crying and getting angry cause it's really you who's strong.

To make me feel bad won't change things  cause I'm already wracked with shame.
and sometimes you must say "no" for me and kindly say my name,

and if I'm being brutish you must make me face the law
You must show concern with courage if you want my heart to thaw.

Cause I won't respect a victim and you won't beat me at that game
and if you really want to tame me you can't be scared of public shame,

cause it will take men with integrity that I squarely have to face
you see I'm craving a strong father  and you'll never take his place.

And I'm trying hard to trust you which I don't know how to do
and I hope you can forgive me and I hope that we're not through.

Narcissus and his twin - the myth

It is becoming increasingly clear to me that the myth of Narcissus is about the lost identical twin. That means that what we call "Narcissistic personality disorder" is not a disorder at all, but a perfectly normal response to the loss of your own identical twin before birth, if you are a monozygotic (MZ) womb twin survivor.

Consider the myth: as related on a special site about narcissism

In this tale, told by Roman poet Ovid and remembered for his verses on love, a young girl named Echo falls in love with a vain youth named Narcissus. He was the son of a woman that the river god had encircled with the windings of his streams, thus trapping and seducing her. Worried for her son’s welfare, she consulted a prophet regarding his future. The prophet reports: Narcissus "will live to a ripe old age, as long as he never knows himself."

One day when Narcissus was out hunting, Echo follows the handsome youth through the woods, longing to address him but unable to speak first. When Narcissus finally heard her footsteps he shouted "Who goes there?" Echo answered "...goes there? ...goes there?" And so it went, until finally Echo showed herself and rushed to embrace Narcissus. He pulled away and vainly told her to leave him alone. Narcissus left Echo heartbroken and she spent the rest of her life lonely and pining away for the love she never knew. Only her voice remained. 

Eventually Narcissus became thirsty and went to drink from a stream. As he saw his reflection, he fell in love with it, not knowing that it was him. As he bent down to kiss it, it seemed to "run away" and he was heartbroken. He grew thirstier but he wouldn't touch the water for fear of damaging his reflection, so he eventually died of thirst and staring at his own reflection. The narcissus flower is closely identified with the boy and was said to spring from the ground around the pool where Narcissus died. In the roman version it is suggested that Narcissus is transformed into the flower.

As life would have it, the desire for connection, understanding, and proximity to the other becomes so great…that the longing kills Narcissus.

Liberace - a womb twin survivor

Liberace's twin died at birth - his identical twin.

As a child  he was a precocious showman, narcissistic in the extreme, yet he was loved by his fans. He was loved also by his live in-boy friend, Scott Thorsen, who helped him don and doff his outrageous glittery and feathered costumes when on stage and supported his needs in other ways at home ( see his book here)

In 1977, the 18-year-old Thorson became "lover, friend and confidant" of the 57-year-old Liberace, a relationship that would continue until 1982. Here, with Thorleifson (coauthor of John Wayne) he relates the sorry, seamy tale of his "callous" eviction from the performer's Las Vegas penthouse in favor of a teenager and the public brouhaha that followed when he filed a palimony suit. The book is uncomfortably candid with revelations about "Lee"who was driven to experience sexual variety with younger males, even as he continued to publicly deny his homosexuality.

Liberace died of AIDS but tried very hard to conceal the fact he was homosexual - while flaunting it in every way on stage.

Womb twin survivors misdiagnosed: (1) "Narcissistic" personality disorder

 Here are some of the so- called " symptoms" of what some experts call "Narcissistic Personality Disorder":

• Self-centered and boastful
• Seek constant attention and admiration
• Consider themselves better than others
• Exaggerate their talents and achievements
• Believe that they are entitled to special treatment

That doesn't sound like a list anyone would want to admit to! It makes such people sound really arrogant and unpleasant.  Not nice to know at all......

A narcissistic person captivated by her image in the mirror

But I think that we need to take another look at these "symptoms".

I dont think there is anything "pathological" at all in these characteristics. I think what we see as "narcissism" is in fact nothing more than the normal character of the sole survivor of an identical twin  pair.

If you once had an identical twin, long ago, before you were born, would you not be focused absolutely on an image of yourself?  Would you not focus your energy inwardly, in order to maintain a weaker, less adequate part of you, of which you are exquisitely conscious and which is infinitely delicate and in need of special treatment?

Would you not seek out others just like you and  want to see yourself reflected in their eyes?  The Greek myth of Narcissus reflects this so perfectly that I am sure that this is the deepest meaning of this ancient myth.

Narcissus captivated by his image in the lake, ignoring poor Echo, who loved him so.....

 Echo and Narcissus

I, Echo, stand unheard and voiceless -
Save the last fragments of your voice in the air.
Yet what a language there is in the looking and feeling; in the isolation and repudiation!
Here is a silent story of unimaginable pain, of rejection and loneliness
Of hatred and love in equal measure.
I don't see your face but the back of your neck as you gaze endlessly upon your reflection
Seeking and never finding; lost and always out of reach.

Over the long years I have watched you fading into something insubstantial;
I have watched the stillness of your grief, transfixed upon tragedy
Yet rejoicing in your own triumph over death.
I see Someone is there for you,
But for me he is not there, he lures you away from me
He consumes you, he repudiates me.
Each moment is a moment of utter contradiction.

Surely you live a life of confused imaginings where life can be death;
Where love can be hate; where continued being can be total annihilation
And birth must mean death.

That world is not mine. It is your world
Created out of perpetual re-enactment of a primal tragedy.
Amid the wordless language of your still gaze upon the lake, communication is complete.
I too am grieving for you, my heart's desire. I too am searching for you never to find you.
I too am repudiated yet I too still remain loyal, I also have been annihilated -
Yet I manage, by inches, to exist.

For myself, only love and desire remain in an echo of what once was.
It is desire that consumes me, yet desire helps me to survive.
In eternal loyalty I resolve to stand sentinel at your grief
'Till death us will unite.

Personality disorders - living out the Dream?

Its easy to explain away the psychological signs of  being a womb twin survivor as " personality disorders".  Over the next few days I will take a look at some common personality disorders and consider them in depth in the light of the womb twin hypothesis.

The whole idea of "personality disorders" is vague and insubstantial, and subject to conjecture and disagreement, even between the experts involved.

Here is an article about the prevalence of different personality disorders,  written in  1992.

Among 452 subjects who were personally interviewed, 9.6% of the male and 10.3% of the female subjects were diagnosed as having at least one personality disorder. Compulsive, dependent, and passive—aggressive personality disorders were most frequent. Significant associations between Axis I disorders and personality disorders were observed; anxiety disorders with avoidant personality disorder, and affective disorders with borderline personality disorder. Due to the lower base rates and the reduced severity of individual disorders, these associations were less stringent than in clinical samples.

(If we recall that, thanks to the work of Dr Charles Boklage we know that at least 10% of the population  is a womb twin survivor,  then the fact that 10% of the population is diagnosed as having a personality disorder may be suggestive.  )

By December 2010 the list of these "disorders"  had radically changed, and in particular "Narcissistic personality disorder" was removed altogether from the list.


(My own thoughts on this are that narcissism is now so prevalent, it would seem to be a nonsense to suggest that people with these specific traits are "disordered". It is also possible that the experts chosen to be in the Work Group that had the job of redefining the DSM  may possess these traits, which are common among people who take a leadership role.) 

The idea that emerged from the redefinition was to replace the concept of "disorders' with the idea of core impairment in personality functioning and specific pathological personality traits.

 My own work, in creating the womb twin questionnaire, has been to discover the personality traits of womb twin survivors by gathering a list of commonly- used  personal statements.  This method is similar to that used by experts to discover to what extent people are "impaired in their personality" or whether they have certain "pathological personality traits."

I propose that these impairments and pathological  traits are no more than a perfectly normal response  to a rather unusual  prebirth situation - the loss of ones co-twin before birth.

Tomorrow I'll look a little more at Narcissism and demonstrate how this set of pathological personality traits perfectly reflects the psychological effects of living out a particular Dream of the Womb.

To find out more about your personality try this test:

Are you a womb twin survivor? Try this questionnaire.

The narcissistic womb twin survivor (6) entitlement

The sixth characteristic of identical womb twin survivors and also of narcissism, is a sense of entitlement.

If you ever needed convincing that narcissism is a reenactment of a series of prebirth events, then this is it.

Lets consider what that sense of " entitlement" means in practice. It means that one demands the right to do what one wishes, havge what one wants and be allowed freedom of movement and action. Observe the  narcissistic person in traffic, and see the rage at benig obstructed by another vehicle moving slowly or not movong way sufficiently speedily from the traffic lights. Notice the narcissisitic child, who flouts rules, restrictions and al forms of limitation to his or her freedom of will.

So let us imagine the feeling of being "only half ", which is the first experience of the identical twin. Then the initial survival struggle,which is more or less intense, depending on the relative weakness and  total lifespan of the Beta twin.Finally the sense of being  alone, free, the inheritor of all.

If it is true that womb twin survivors spend their lives reenacting their Dream of Womb, then the life of the  MZ womb twin survivor will follow the womb story of two MZ twins who were together for a while but one was left alone, the inheritor of all.

The womb story would include the initial sense of being half, and a survival struggle, which would be more or less intense, depending on the relative weakness and total lifespan of the Beta twin. Finally, the sense of being the inheritor of all, with total freedom of movement and all the food and oxygen that was once shared.

In born life, to keep the Dream alive, the narcissistic person's will must remain unfetttered, regardless of how tactless or inappopriate it may be.  Sadly, what applied in the womb does not apply in born life, where rights must be matched by responsibilities towards others.  As a result narcissistic behaviour is universally condemned. But that also suits the secret purposes  of the identical womb  twin survivor, who  lives with a perpetual sense of shame and guilt at being alive. The condemnation feels appropriate in the circumstances and is often triggered by totally unreasonable and self defeating behaviour to make matters worse.

There is much more to say on this, but I will leave Narcissus for a while and take a close look at Gemini. Tomorrow I will begin a six part series of blogs about the dizygotic ( fraternal) womb twin survivor, whose story is completely different, biologically, psychologically and spiritually.

The narcissistic identical twin: (4) the cleverest person in the room

This is yet another aspect of DSM  definition
(2)  is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love


Watching two MZ twins alive together, one takes the dominant Alpha part, the other the compliant Beta part. When one MZ twin dies the sole survivor takes over the life and role of the lost twin to keep the twin pair alive in fantasy.


But what if the Alpha twin survives (it is usually this way) but the Beta twin was not developing properly and never developed a proper brain? What then? What would there be in the mind of the survivor with which to rebuild that original scenario in fantasy?


In the Dream of the Womb, the Alpha twin was always the most dominant, clever, active and powerful. That was in the Dream and that is constantly re enacted in born life. This is the most obvious sign of narcissism - to insist on being the "cleverest person in the room". This means to dominate the conversation, to always insist on being right about everything, to  hate being corrected, have anyone argue with them or to be seen learning new ideas.  This neatly acts out the Alpha role of being the only person with a brain.


A fascinating effect of this is to leave the other person , however witty clever and well educated they may be, feeling like a brainless fool in the presence of the narcissistic person. They have " become the Beta twin" with no brain and no capacity to think or reply.  Once they leave the presence of the narcissistic person, all their Alpha energy returns and they think of all the brilliant reposts they could have made and wonder why it was so difficult to talk back when in the presence of the narcissistic person.


The sole survivor of an MZ pair where one was brainless, and who truly was once the cleverest person on the womb, lives out their Dream of the Womb by insisting on being the cleverest person in the room.


This is not intellectual arrogance but a survival mechanism - to be the brainless person would mean being the Beta twin and be overwhelmed by the Alpha twin and be  totally annihilated.  This is not just intelligent debate, this is life and death.

The narcissistic womb twin survivor (3) ideal love

The criterion today is one left from yesterday that has the strongest connection to the loss of a twin:

(2)  is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.


The question of IDEAL LOVE


There is within the narcissistic womb twin survivor a constant yearning for the lost half of themselves.

http://www.narcissismfree.com/the-narcissus-myth.php

The falsely contructed illusion is one of perfection where the narcissist is unable to perceive that he has any flaws, however the world around him and the people in it are all deeply flawed. He seeks out perfection in others to find his ideal love or true match. Although he may initially believe he has found his perfect partner, he is quickly disappointed when the partner begins to invite him to see another perspective that isn't based on his image of perfection. [more from this site]

There have been countless attempts to explain why this yearning exists, and why  it is so all-consuming.  It seems to be love for oneself, but in this case the self is in the mirror, in every way reversed.  Yet to keep gazing upon this mirror image of himself Narcissus ignored everyone else, including the Nymph, Echo, who loved him deeply, focused only on this life-long, self-imposed task and in the end died alone and unfulfilled.

Echo and Narcissus (a poem)

My small experience of identical (MZ) womb twin survivors shows that they are deeply concerned about themselves, as if they have a deep sense of weakness, inadequacy and failure that they must constantly seek to overcome. The only answer is to be reunited with their lost other half. This is the ideal relationship that would make them whole again. Narcissism is therefore a perfectly reasonable, but misplaced attempt to replace the irreplaceable.  It is futile, but nevertheless the yearning remains, even until death.

[There is more about this in my latest book, Womb Twin Survivors]

The narcissistic womb twin survivor (2) self-worth

The DSM criterion in this case is:

2)  is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love [see here]

SELF WORTH.  The fantasy of being the very best, most brilliant etc. This is a question of "self worth", which is of major importance to the MZ womb twin survivor.   They translate a slight uneasiness at being here at all (let alone inheriting all the womb space food etc when their twin died) into the issue of self worth.  Because deep down they feel undeserving, they must justify their existence and will insist that they are "worth it"  or they "deserve it."  The real situation, the real memory, is that they were the one to survive, when their twin did not, which means they truly were the strongest and fittest to survive. But that strength is now a major emotional issue.  Survivor guilt takes all the joy out  of it. Also, closely identified with their own Beta twin, the MZ womb twin survivor readily feels small, useless and "thrown away."

What a conflict! What a paradox! To know that at the very beginning of your life you truly were the superior one, yet in born life to feel as if you are not of any value at all. To carry these contradictory feelings all at the same time!  That is a difficult balance to maintain.

The only way to find balance is to try and excel at what you do and and make much of it, never letting anyone forget how wonderful you are, for fear they they will see the anxious little Beta face behind the Alpha mask.....

Narcissistic womb twin survivors (1) self esteem

Some time ago, I came to the somewhat astonishing conclusion that  the sole survivors of a monozygotic pregnancy ( identical twins)  show signs of narcissism, to the extent that I have come to believe that what we define as "narcissism" is in fact a spectrum of personality characteristics that all monozygotic twin survivors possess.

In other words, I believe that all narcissistic people are the sole survivors of a monozygotic pregnancy.

Now I dont expect you, dear reader, to  agree to this immediately, so over the new few days I am going to set out the arguments one by one to show how they work.

TWO PEOPLE IN ONE
The main characteristic of the sole survivor of  identical twins ( ie. when  one twin dies in born life) is that the survivor takes on some of the characteristics of the dead twin, as if to keep them spiritually "alive".  This is a known effect among live-born twin pairs when one twin dies.  Womb twin survivors show the same effects, the difference being that most of them have no idea why they feel as they do, because every one tells them that "we don't remember the womb".  Every other characteristic of narcissism is related to that effect.

SELF ESTEEM
The most obvious characteristic of narcissistic people is grandiosity, an exaggerated sense of one's own importance.  There is some disagreement among the people who discuss these things as to whether narcissism is driven by a very high self esteem or a very low self esteem.  This is a significant factor because if the monozygotic( MZ) womb twin survivor is keeping their little Beta twin alive in their life by in some sense " becoming their own Beta twin," then  it follows they they will be two people in one. One personality the Alpha twin will be the biggest, strongest and most dominant, the triumphant Alpha survivor, showing signs of a very high self esteem.  The other will be the tiny, weak, compliant Beta twin, who is passive and humble and acutely aware of how small and insignificant he or she is against the Alpha twin - showing signs of low self esteem.

The result is suffering. "I am a worthless individual," says the  Beta personality.  "I am the most important person" says the Alpha personality.  The inner conflict is  painful, so much so that the issue of self esteem dominates the life of the narcissistic person.  The pain of being the only survivor, when you have no idea why you are suffering so much because no one told you why,  seeks an outlet.

As a consequence, the narcissistic person either "Suffers from low self esteem" themselves or visits their grandiosity on others to reduce their self esteem instead.  A painful business indeed.

I've been flamed!

I have been the victim of a flaming attack!  Gosh. I don't know whether to be amused or annoyed. It's quite  sweet really- such a high degree of interest in every detail of my work!!  
I think I'll do my usual psychological thing and stand back and analyse this.......


Want to know what flaming is?


Flaming is the often deliberate act of posting or writing messages on Internet bulletin boards and message groups that have the intent of insulting or creating dissent within a group. An Internet flame is often filled with coarse language and personal insults. It is meant to hurt people’s feelings, get them fired up, and not to further conversation on a personal issue. It is never conversational, but it may be meant to upset an entire group, provoking conversation about someone’s flame or on the practice of flaming in general.

Sometimes egotism causes a person to practice flaming. A person may feel that his or her opinion is the only valid one on the subject and state so in an insulting way.

Some people theorize that flaming is common on the Internet because there is relative anonymity in Internet posting. People who flame are not that likely to actually insult people in person. Flaming on the Internet offers a degree of protection not likely to be afforded in a face-to-face conversation. 

http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-flaming.htm

In my view, this is narcissism.  In fact, it's destructive narcissism, which is a particularly nasty way to be egotistical.  Well this is one person who should get out more, and maybe try thinking about other people's feelings.   Oh of course, I forgot. Egotistical people lack empathy. Cant do that. Can't see the truth when its standing there right before their very eyes. Pathetic.


You know the song

Some folks say that I'm "egotistical"
Well I don't even know what that means -
I guess it has something to do with the
Way that I fill out my skintight blue jeans.

I am also informed that to call a narcissistic person "a narcissistic person" is "a form of abuse."  I'm working on that.

This individual, with nothing more to do but send me emails, is a womb twin survivor.   Now there does seem to be a particular kind of wombtwin survivor whose psychology EXACTLY fits the criteria for narcissism.  I know several of them now: they destroy relationships, and then one party or the other gets out and leaves.  Meanwhile its always someone else's fault.

I left.

I wonder if the flaming will continue now I've gone?  I wonder if I'll get flamed on this blog? That would be a new experience. Once they have your email, they just go on and on. It's like an obsession.  I wonder if I can make a good link between narcissism and wombtwin survivors? I think I'll work on that. Let's see what happens next......

The paradox of selfishness

I asked some wombtwin survivors how it feels to be selfish. I asked this because being selfish is a self-defeating thing, and it tends to distance you from others and make then react negatively to you or even hate you. Sounds like wombtwin stuff!

I got two sets of answers:

1. "Selfishness is a kind of self - sustaining effort, as if NOT being selfish would put my whole self at risk of failure and annihilation. It's to do with taking special care of my personal welfare in order to be able to function at all in this difficult, often hostile, world."

2 "Selfishness is a guilt trip: having been selfish and left others at a disadvantage, I am left feeling extremely guilty that I have done this awful thing. The most important element is how incredibly hard (even impossible) it is for me to apologise, so the guilt remains and sometimes triggers depression."

It just doesnt wash with me that one has to take such "special care of oneself" or indeed "live a life of perpetual guilt": something else, something much deeper, is going on. What could that be?

The answer eventually came clear: it's a paradox. If you are an identical wombtwin survivor then you are two people at once: one way to live this out is to be a paradoxical person and express two things at the same time:- to be horrible to people and yet feel bad about doing that; to care for yourself at the expense of others, even when you KNOW this is selfish behaviour. This is an aspect of narcissism.

Notice the paradox of addiction: even while you are taking the drug, overeating, starving, hoarding, cutting or whatever, there is a part of you that knows this is harmful and wrong, yet the other half does it anyway. It all happens in the same moment of time.

If you are trying to be two people at once - yourself and your own beta twin - then this would be completely normal behavior. At least it sounds normal to me!

Feel free to comment!

How we know that Sam Vaknin is an identical wombtwin survivor

 This web site is ENORMOUS. It belongs to Sam Vaknin.  He is so narcissistic that he thinks he knows more than anyone else on the Internet about narcissism. That's pretty stupid for a start - but then Narcissus finds extremely subtle and clever ways to be extremely foolish ( and no one is to laugh........) 

He is full of rage, pain, hurt and a sense of betrayal that seems to have nowhere to sit.  He says that the "narcissists mother is abusive", ie. that narcissism is caused by the parents.  What actually happens is that narcissistic children arrive in this world with a sense of entitlement, and loving parents soon become slaves if they don't watch out. I know, I've seen that happen.

As I have said before, the narcissistic person is divided within himself, and constantly fights with himself. Unless he is constantly responded to and reacted against (with praise or blame, its all one to him) he is terrified that he will cease to exist. His sense of existential doubt is so strong that he (or she) needs to create all kinds of chaos, noise and conflict just to keep the emotional temperature high enough to feed on and keep him alive as a player in the game of life..

He is constantly demanding but must need no one; he is cold and unemotional but full of seething rage. A wonderful paradox. Alpha and Beta all at once.

The list of characteristics that Sam comes out with as he continues his endless self examination, sounds exactly like an identical wombtwin survivor. Take a look and see.

The truth is that the a fear of inadequacy fuels all narcissistic behaviours.  Sooner than be thought inadequate by anyone, he (or she) will try to dominate everyone else, and expect to have everyone feed him (or her)in body, mind and soul. Here we have the little surviving identical twin, whose twin was lost very early and really did cease to exist - never came to much and was probably damaged in some way.

When will Sam Vakin realise the truth about himself? Probably never.  After all, if he really does want to be self-defeating, then learning, awakening and self growth will be the last thing on his mind. Meanwhile, we look on, amused - and trying not to laugh.