Tales for the journey: Caterpillar (Belief in yourself)

 This is a story about two caterpillars, who lived in a garden long ago.  Every day they wandered up and down the leafy stems and munched at the succulent leaves, and watched the butterflies flying overhead landing lightly on a twig, folding their wings against the rain or opening them to the sun.

The two caterpillars, Clara and Carl, did not have much to say to each other, for they were engaged in the process of eating, growing and becoming large enough to turn into butterflies.  Their friendship was a silent one, as they crawled and munched.  Carl wanted to become a truly wonderful butterfly.  He often thought about the strong and wonderful painted wings he would have when he was changed in the magical chrysalis.  Carl dreamed and dreamed until all he could see- all he could think about- were his dreams of his wonderful, painted wings.  His dreams were clearer when he kept his eyes shut, so he often hung there, replete with leaves, sleeping and dreaming of better things.

Clara was ashamed of being a caterpillar. She felt fat and furry and hated the fact that she must crawl on the ground while the others were already butterflies, fluttering in the sunshine. She wanted so much to fly, she often dreamed about it, and in her dream she flew effortlessly into the sky soaring and turning, visiting every flower in the garden.

She resented being a caterpillar so much and however much she ate, however hard she tried, she stayed a caterpillar. Every day she asked Carl to get out his magic mirror and she would look at herself in it.  Sure enough there she was, her own eyes and face, but the body of a caterpillar behind them.

Narcissus: behavioural perfectionism

Are you a perfectionist?

Here is a test for you to find out.

Some of the statements in this questionnaire  are related to your behavior:
Notice how some of them are to do with being second rate, or No 2. ( Remember that Narcissus cannot cope with being No 2, because in the Dream of the Womb the Beta twin does not survive.

• Organization is very important to me.
• If I do not set the highest standards for myself, I am likely to end up a second-rate person
• It is important to me that I be thoroughly competent in everything I do.
• If I fail at work/school, I am a failure as a person. 
• If someone does a task at work/school better than me, then I feel like I failed the whole task.
• If I fail partly, it is as bad as being a complete failure.
• Even when I do something very carefully, I often feel that it is not quite done right.
• I hate being less than the best at things.
• If I do not do as well as other people, it means I am an inferior human being.
• I expect higher performance in my daily tasks than most people.

Now lets look at how this may relate to low self esteem:

The narcissistic womb twin survivor (2) self-worth

The DSM criterion in this case is:

2)  is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love [see here]

SELF WORTH.  The fantasy of being the very best, most brilliant etc. This is a question of "self worth", which is of major importance to the MZ womb twin survivor.   They translate a slight uneasiness at being here at all (let alone inheriting all the womb space food etc when their twin died) into the issue of self worth.  Because deep down they feel undeserving, they must justify their existence and will insist that they are "worth it"  or they "deserve it."  The real situation, the real memory, is that they were the one to survive, when their twin did not, which means they truly were the strongest and fittest to survive. But that strength is now a major emotional issue.  Survivor guilt takes all the joy out  of it. Also, closely identified with their own Beta twin, the MZ womb twin survivor readily feels small, useless and "thrown away."

What a conflict! What a paradox! To know that at the very beginning of your life you truly were the superior one, yet in born life to feel as if you are not of any value at all. To carry these contradictory feelings all at the same time!  That is a difficult balance to maintain.

The only way to find balance is to try and excel at what you do and and make much of it, never letting anyone forget how wonderful you are, for fear they they will see the anxious little Beta face behind the Alpha mask.....

Narcissistic womb twin survivors (1) self esteem

Some time ago, I came to the somewhat astonishing conclusion that  the sole survivors of a monozygotic pregnancy ( identical twins)  show signs of narcissism, to the extent that I have come to believe that what we define as "narcissism" is in fact a spectrum of personality characteristics that all monozygotic twin survivors possess.

In other words, I believe that all narcissistic people are the sole survivors of a monozygotic pregnancy.

Now I dont expect you, dear reader, to  agree to this immediately, so over the new few days I am going to set out the arguments one by one to show how they work.

TWO PEOPLE IN ONE
The main characteristic of the sole survivor of  identical twins ( ie. when  one twin dies in born life) is that the survivor takes on some of the characteristics of the dead twin, as if to keep them spiritually "alive".  This is a known effect among live-born twin pairs when one twin dies.  Womb twin survivors show the same effects, the difference being that most of them have no idea why they feel as they do, because every one tells them that "we don't remember the womb".  Every other characteristic of narcissism is related to that effect.

SELF ESTEEM
The most obvious characteristic of narcissistic people is grandiosity, an exaggerated sense of one's own importance.  There is some disagreement among the people who discuss these things as to whether narcissism is driven by a very high self esteem or a very low self esteem.  This is a significant factor because if the monozygotic( MZ) womb twin survivor is keeping their little Beta twin alive in their life by in some sense " becoming their own Beta twin," then  it follows they they will be two people in one. One personality the Alpha twin will be the biggest, strongest and most dominant, the triumphant Alpha survivor, showing signs of a very high self esteem.  The other will be the tiny, weak, compliant Beta twin, who is passive and humble and acutely aware of how small and insignificant he or she is against the Alpha twin - showing signs of low self esteem.

The result is suffering. "I am a worthless individual," says the  Beta personality.  "I am the most important person" says the Alpha personality.  The inner conflict is  painful, so much so that the issue of self esteem dominates the life of the narcissistic person.  The pain of being the only survivor, when you have no idea why you are suffering so much because no one told you why,  seeks an outlet.

As a consequence, the narcissistic person either "Suffers from low self esteem" themselves or visits their grandiosity on others to reduce their self esteem instead.  A painful business indeed.