Tales for the journey: The Store - (Compulsive caring)

My secret storeroom was full of old and dusty things.  Some of them had once been very valuable indeed, while others were just junk.  It was so crowded in there that it was hard to see which was which.  The room was small, dimly lit and musty, and for as long as I could remember it had been my job to look after it.

I knew what the others would say to me if they knew about my secret store.  “This store is messy!  You have not been minding it properly.  You must sort it all out so that you can throw out all the junk!”  I did not want to be ashamed of it if anyone saw inside, so I set about cleaning the store, sorting it all, cleaning out the boxes and ordering all the items. 

There was a lot in there but gradually I got a sense of what was in there, and I even created my own filing system.  I kept changing the system as I discovered more and more in there. For a small room it contained a lot.  The others never asked me what I was doing.  They just went on playing out in the sun while I was busy organising the store.

After many months of ordering and sorting I became impatient, and I decided to spend all day, every day in the store.  I foolishly believed that if I managed to sort it out, then I would be free of my obligation and would be able at last to play outside in the sun.  Day and night I worked, sorting and ordering and creating a dozen new filing systems each day.

A healing path (3) The Black Hole - invented shame

One perfect way to keep yourself in a Black Hole in order to keep your Dream alive, in the habit of  invented shame.

There is a kind of shame that bears no relationship to reality: it is the fear of shame arising out of saying a "wrong thing" or doing a “wrong thing" that inhibits a person absolutely.   Rather than experience the shame of having done the “wrong thing” the individual does nothing at all.   If he happens to do just that ‘wrong thing,” he makes an excuse such as he “wasn't aware”; “he didn’t mean it” or he is “sure he didn’t do it’ at all.  In short, he denies the fact that he may be responsible for doing something , plus the possible knock-on effects of his actions.

Now this is “invented” shame. The person is genuinely feeling shame and feeling inhibited by that shame, yet he is not at all sure what he is ashamed of.  A sure sign, in my view, that this a re-enactment of the lost twin in the Dream of the Womb, where survivor guilt is so prevalent.

Narcissus: behavioural perfectionism

Are you a perfectionist?

Here is a test for you to find out.

Some of the statements in this questionnaire  are related to your behavior:
Notice how some of them are to do with being second rate, or No 2. ( Remember that Narcissus cannot cope with being No 2, because in the Dream of the Womb the Beta twin does not survive.

• Organization is very important to me.
• If I do not set the highest standards for myself, I am likely to end up a second-rate person
• It is important to me that I be thoroughly competent in everything I do.
• If I fail at work/school, I am a failure as a person. 
• If someone does a task at work/school better than me, then I feel like I failed the whole task.
• If I fail partly, it is as bad as being a complete failure.
• Even when I do something very carefully, I often feel that it is not quite done right.
• I hate being less than the best at things.
• If I do not do as well as other people, it means I am an inferior human being.
• I expect higher performance in my daily tasks than most people.

Now lets look at how this may relate to low self esteem:

What is a womb twin? (8) an abnormally-developed fetus

The saddest story in the Dream of the Womb is when a womb twin never stood a chance - this little embryo began developing, at least for a while,  but it all went wrong, so that organs were misplaced or missing altogether, or some parts of the body developed to an extraordinary degree in relation to others.

The survivor meanwhile seems to carry a lifelong fear of abnormality for it is there in their Dream of the Womb. This fear may be expressed as

Perfectionism - one's person, behaviour, home or lifestyle must be perfect and beyond reproach - nothing must give rise to expressions of disapproval or disappointment by others.

Inflexibility - a decision, once made or not made, it never varied, lest one "do the wrong thing".  One must not be seen as  unable to function normally, so  all choices and behaviours are limited to what is safe and likely to lead to success. Even when a blatant mistake has been made, it is considered better to stay with the original decision than appear weak or inadequate.

Indecisiveness is characteristic of so many womb twin survivors - rather than make the wrong choice, they oscillate between two opposing choices, or ponder on many other possibilities, always weighing up the consequences - but always at the heart of this, is the fear of doing wrong.

Correctness - by extension, all choices, behaviours and attitudes are rigidly enforced by a strong sense of self discipline, to adopt the "correct" stance in all matters.  This outwardly wilful and strong character trait is in fact created out of a character weakness: a deeply-felt fear of being considered in any way abnormal by others.

Self-righteousness - the need to constantly feel reassured that one is "perfect" gives rise to constant comparisons with others whose life does not satisfy the rigid self-imposed  rules by which this womb twin survivor must live.

Authoritarianism - the rigid rules may be implanted on others, out of a belief they they too will profit by trying at al times to be perfect.  What is forgotten of course in this search for personal perfection is that the world is not perfect in a rigid, crystalline  way but build out of chaos and always in process. perfection is a myth,  perpetuated by people with a fear of abnormality - womb twin survivors.

Workaholism - working too hard, trying to build a better world and always attempting to improve on Nature. Being over-conscientious is a good way to attempt to guarantee perfection in your own behaviour, so one will be seen as diligent capable and good, rather than weak and incapable. (Like your own womb twin.)

The end result is a restricted expression of affection towards others and a general lack of personal joy.  All energy is held inwardly, to fight against a deep fear of abnormality and chaos. There is no energy to spare for other people and their needs.

[Note: no blog tomorrow because the Internet connection is disrupted in our area until Sunday 22nd, I am told!]


I'm off to Portsmouth for the day tomorrow 21st May  to meet some of you over lunch!  Hope to see you there!