Womb twin survivors misdiagnosed: (1) "Narcissistic" personality disorder

 Here are some of the so- called " symptoms" of what some experts call "Narcissistic Personality Disorder":

• Self-centered and boastful
• Seek constant attention and admiration
• Consider themselves better than others
• Exaggerate their talents and achievements
• Believe that they are entitled to special treatment

That doesn't sound like a list anyone would want to admit to! It makes such people sound really arrogant and unpleasant.  Not nice to know at all......

A narcissistic person captivated by her image in the mirror

But I think that we need to take another look at these "symptoms".

I dont think there is anything "pathological" at all in these characteristics. I think what we see as "narcissism" is in fact nothing more than the normal character of the sole survivor of an identical twin  pair.

If you once had an identical twin, long ago, before you were born, would you not be focused absolutely on an image of yourself?  Would you not focus your energy inwardly, in order to maintain a weaker, less adequate part of you, of which you are exquisitely conscious and which is infinitely delicate and in need of special treatment?

Would you not seek out others just like you and  want to see yourself reflected in their eyes?  The Greek myth of Narcissus reflects this so perfectly that I am sure that this is the deepest meaning of this ancient myth.

Narcissus captivated by his image in the lake, ignoring poor Echo, who loved him so.....

 Echo and Narcissus

I, Echo, stand unheard and voiceless -
Save the last fragments of your voice in the air.
Yet what a language there is in the looking and feeling; in the isolation and repudiation!
Here is a silent story of unimaginable pain, of rejection and loneliness
Of hatred and love in equal measure.
I don't see your face but the back of your neck as you gaze endlessly upon your reflection
Seeking and never finding; lost and always out of reach.

Over the long years I have watched you fading into something insubstantial;
I have watched the stillness of your grief, transfixed upon tragedy
Yet rejoicing in your own triumph over death.
I see Someone is there for you,
But for me he is not there, he lures you away from me
He consumes you, he repudiates me.
Each moment is a moment of utter contradiction.

Surely you live a life of confused imaginings where life can be death;
Where love can be hate; where continued being can be total annihilation
And birth must mean death.

That world is not mine. It is your world
Created out of perpetual re-enactment of a primal tragedy.
Amid the wordless language of your still gaze upon the lake, communication is complete.
I too am grieving for you, my heart's desire. I too am searching for you never to find you.
I too am repudiated yet I too still remain loyal, I also have been annihilated -
Yet I manage, by inches, to exist.

For myself, only love and desire remain in an echo of what once was.
It is desire that consumes me, yet desire helps me to survive.
In eternal loyalty I resolve to stand sentinel at your grief
'Till death us will unite.

The narcissistic womb twin survivor (3) ideal love

The criterion today is one left from yesterday that has the strongest connection to the loss of a twin:

(2)  is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.


The question of IDEAL LOVE


There is within the narcissistic womb twin survivor a constant yearning for the lost half of themselves.

http://www.narcissismfree.com/the-narcissus-myth.php

The falsely contructed illusion is one of perfection where the narcissist is unable to perceive that he has any flaws, however the world around him and the people in it are all deeply flawed. He seeks out perfection in others to find his ideal love or true match. Although he may initially believe he has found his perfect partner, he is quickly disappointed when the partner begins to invite him to see another perspective that isn't based on his image of perfection. [more from this site]

There have been countless attempts to explain why this yearning exists, and why  it is so all-consuming.  It seems to be love for oneself, but in this case the self is in the mirror, in every way reversed.  Yet to keep gazing upon this mirror image of himself Narcissus ignored everyone else, including the Nymph, Echo, who loved him deeply, focused only on this life-long, self-imposed task and in the end died alone and unfulfilled.

Echo and Narcissus (a poem)

My small experience of identical (MZ) womb twin survivors shows that they are deeply concerned about themselves, as if they have a deep sense of weakness, inadequacy and failure that they must constantly seek to overcome. The only answer is to be reunited with their lost other half. This is the ideal relationship that would make them whole again. Narcissism is therefore a perfectly reasonable, but misplaced attempt to replace the irreplaceable.  It is futile, but nevertheless the yearning remains, even until death.

[There is more about this in my latest book, Womb Twin Survivors]

How we know that Sam Vaknin is an identical wombtwin survivor

 This web site is ENORMOUS. It belongs to Sam Vaknin.  He is so narcissistic that he thinks he knows more than anyone else on the Internet about narcissism. That's pretty stupid for a start - but then Narcissus finds extremely subtle and clever ways to be extremely foolish ( and no one is to laugh........) 

He is full of rage, pain, hurt and a sense of betrayal that seems to have nowhere to sit.  He says that the "narcissists mother is abusive", ie. that narcissism is caused by the parents.  What actually happens is that narcissistic children arrive in this world with a sense of entitlement, and loving parents soon become slaves if they don't watch out. I know, I've seen that happen.

As I have said before, the narcissistic person is divided within himself, and constantly fights with himself. Unless he is constantly responded to and reacted against (with praise or blame, its all one to him) he is terrified that he will cease to exist. His sense of existential doubt is so strong that he (or she) needs to create all kinds of chaos, noise and conflict just to keep the emotional temperature high enough to feed on and keep him alive as a player in the game of life..

He is constantly demanding but must need no one; he is cold and unemotional but full of seething rage. A wonderful paradox. Alpha and Beta all at once.

The list of characteristics that Sam comes out with as he continues his endless self examination, sounds exactly like an identical wombtwin survivor. Take a look and see.

The truth is that the a fear of inadequacy fuels all narcissistic behaviours.  Sooner than be thought inadequate by anyone, he (or she) will try to dominate everyone else, and expect to have everyone feed him (or her)in body, mind and soul. Here we have the little surviving identical twin, whose twin was lost very early and really did cease to exist - never came to much and was probably damaged in some way.

When will Sam Vakin realise the truth about himself? Probably never.  After all, if he really does want to be self-defeating, then learning, awakening and self growth will be the last thing on his mind. Meanwhile, we look on, amused - and trying not to laugh.