The Bi-polar beast - is this the lost twin in the Dream of the Womb?

I am becoming increasingly convinced that "Bi-polar"  disorder is in fact one of the many psychological manifestions displayed by womb twin survivors,  The main clues are that the sufferer (and this is suffering indeed, for everyone involved)  cycles not just from despair to hope, but from Alpha to Beta.  Two people in one - the man and the Beast.

Narcissus: fear of inadequacy

For the MZ womb twin survivor, a deeply-felt fear is of being weak and inadequate, unable to cope.  The only way to be safe is to be utterly strong, to the point of omnipotence.  Basically, it is better to be the dominant one, the No 1 in any given situation, than to be No 2.

I observed two people in conversation - if you can call it that. It was more of a duel than an equal sharing of ideas.  The first, a man, mentioned a terrifying experience involving snow in late May in the mountains of southern France. At once, sooner than acknowledge that snow at that time of the year would be unexpected and doubtless alarming, the other, a woman, was quick to point out that on her recent trip to Colorado there had been snow in July, three feet deep.

I was conscious that this was combat, not conversation. This kind of "How deep is your snow?" competition can be readily observed, as it morphs readily into " How clever is your child?" between parents or "How painful is your back?"  among older people.

I wondered why such competitive behavior was chosen, and what  pay-off there may be.  But then I thought about MZ womb twin survivors, who carry somewhere in the back of their minds a memory of half of them being so weak and inadequate that they were  unable to survive at all.  Then it was clear to me that this kind of competitive behavior is not just a little light-hearted banter, but a matter of life and death.

Womb twin survivors in flm - Unborn

So they made a film of it.  It was some time ago, but I am so sorry that it had to be a horror film.




The worst line is "By living, you denied it entry into this world."   Not a good thing for any womb twin survivor  to hear. It is the worst nightmare, that you are the cause of your own twin's death.

But the film does tackle some of the more difficult themes, such as feeling haunted by your twin. It also suggests that an exorcism can help.  She has a dibbuk, she says.



Funny that they didn't make so much of the lost twin theme, just the horror? I'll look a bit deeper....

This man hated it:

A young woman discovers her stillborn twin brother's ghost is haunting her in an effort to infiltrate the world of the living but there may be more to the story than just an angry undead twin, something far more ancient lurks in the darkness. Jamby wants to be born now. *groan*

It's sunk without trace, just like the vanished twin. Not surprising really, I suppose.

Healing (25) Towards more autonomy

Womb twin survivors are not very good at self sufficiency. They tend to be dependent on other people for various things, such as practical skills, encouragement or human company.

Now that you have sent your womb twin into the light and begun the process of waking from your Dream, one thing that you will notice at once is that you are now on your own, and your womb twin has gone. Yet this kind of “being alone” is not the same as being lonely or abandoned. This strange new sensation is in fact autonomy.

OUT OF THE SIDELINES
In your mind you have been sharing with your life with your womb twin and in a sense putting your life on hold for them. There is no need to do that now. You have been underplaying your talents and sitting in the sidelines, burdened with a sense of privilege at having so much. There is no need to sit on the sidelines now.

A zombie for a womb twin?

What if your womb twin was alive, but yet not alive? What if he or she never developed a brain or a heart?

What would you do to keep your twin alive in your life?

The answer is that despite the fact that you have an excellent brain you would not use it to the full, and despite the fact that you are a warm and loving person you would act heartlessly towards others. You would be cold, unreachable, unresponsive and kind of spiritually dead, while at the same time being very much alive and full of creativity and vitality.

Its like being held perpetually at the interface between your own Alpha energy, and your womb twin's Beta energy, one alive, the other dead.  This is the space that zombies occupy.

Yet there is a rational, intelligent and loving reason why you would work so hard at not being the complete you, at deliberately creating a self-defeating life for yourself.  This is how you keep your brainless womb twin alive in your own life and you can remain together with them, every hour of every day.  Its love and loyalty.

But maybe there is a way out of this..........

This little poem may describe it:

You

You are my inner voice, with me always: a command to do what I do not wish

Yet my wish is to be faithful always,'til the end of life.

I attend to your tiny voice while others shout and rage

I hear nothing but your imperatives on how to be myself

In obedience to your command I live out my life in compliance and silent hate.

How I resent your voice! You rule my life and bind me with ties of obligation!

How dearly I desire to rage and rebel against those commands that constrict and

drag me down!

Yet I cannot be free, for I am bound forever to You, my silent presence, 

holding me back.

Then through a screen of willow leaves I saw the river of life:-

Two boats were skimming on the silver stream; one fast, one slow.

I was in the fast boat, my energy raging, but You were stranded in the shallows.

I felt the pull of obligation, and I knew that I must slow down, go back.

As usual I turned by back on the exhilaration of the race

and came into the shallows with you.

(Wearily, for it was a great burden to stand and watch the silver stream rush by..... )

But then you thanked me and you smiled at me

you told me to go, get on with my life.

You told me that lfe in the shallows was all the life you would ever know.

You told me to take up my life and drink deep of every moment.

With a loving smile and a farewell kiss,

you set me free.

More poems here on my web site

The daily steps

So it's another day, and another step to take. I will take another 364 steps before I get to the end of 2011.  Today's step builds on yesterday's and thanks to Andrew's comment I have been made to think on those baby steps that seem to be the only thing possible when you are stuck in your beta space and lack the motivation to move forward.

So yes, today I make today's step.  In fact today is composed of little steps, tiny seemingly insignificant choices that will set the tone of the whole day.

The first step was the choice NOT to get  up and get on with the 10,000 things that have to be done but to rest and relax. But then that was not laziness, that was a perfectly understandable need to rest after the New year celebrations and two late nights carousing with friends, which is all as it should be at this time of the year.

The next step, made an hour later now refreshed and raring to go thanks to that rest, is to write today's blog and think on these things to help you all along the healing path.   You see, my next step after the publication of the womb twin survivors book on 1st March, just 8 tiny little weeks away,  is to write the Healing Path as a full sized published paperback book, replete with all the discoveries made in the six years since I wrote the ebook.

( If you are a first time reader  of this blog and have not a clue what these books are, see here on the Wren Publications web site)

The next step is a kind of orientation exercise, designed to get me doing something I have put off for 10 months - my tax return. The deadline is 30th January. If I don't find the motivation inwardly then I can find it outwardly - the March 1st deadline is self imposed, the January 30th deadline is a matter of law. Both highly motivating.

But deadlines are deadening when you are in your Beta space. They kill all motivation as you lock down into inactivity through fear and terror. They simply don't work. They get endlessly overshot in a lifetime of prevarication.

• But what if the whole idea is motivated, very, very strongly, by existential guilt?
• What if your whole life is driven by a desire NOT to live a full life?
• What if you are trying to keep your little beta twin alive by living your beta twins life?

Then it would all make perfect sense.

There would be a rational, intelligent, loving reason why you choose deliberately to throw your life away in endless prevarication.

Its an act of self sacrifice made out of love.

Misguided, pointless, but rather beautiful  and terribly sad.

That, my dears, is the non-life of the womb twin survivor.

Are you in a Black Hole today?

In a Black Hole?

Stuck in your beta energy?

Lost in despair? Just watch this.




When you fall down, what will you do? Are you going to finish strong?

Carl Jungs lost twin sister in the Red Book

Carl Jung sat in his study it seems, and induced a kind of waking dream in which he explored his deepest unconscious. He wrote the whole thing down as a personal illustrated journal in a red leather-bound volume - hence the name.

The New York Times reported this today. It seems that during his inner journey

Jung travels the land of the dead, falls in love with a woman he later realizes is his sister, gets squeezed by a giant serpent and, in one terrifying moment, eats the liver of a little child. (“I swallow with desperate efforts— it is impossible — once again and once again — I almost faint — it is done.”) At one point, even the devil criticizes Jung as hateful.

I wonder how long it will take for the Jungians to realise that this is all a pre-birth memory and includes a lost twin sister?

The snake may be the umbilical cord and the liver is the placenta, all that remains of an identical twin perhaps?

Interesting.

The New York workshop.

I haven't posted for ages, because things have been going at 100 miles an hour. We left for the USA for a long trip on 22nd September ( which turned out to be the trip of a lifetime!) and got back a few days ago.

Now I can say " I have done a workshop in New York"! It almost didn't happen. In the end we made it free of charge and Monica who arranged it for me worked hard to get me some people. After all there were 8 of us altogether, rattling round in spacious offices in Madison Avenue. One person brought his guitar because he was off to the recording studios that afternoon (that felt like a real NYC moment) ; two had come overnight and hadn't slept or eaten; one had flown in from Virginia and arrived at her friend's house at 3am. Not for the first time, I was amazed at the energy and commitment that was expressed in simply getting there.

Once again, I witnessed the glorious moments that occur when wombtwin survivors get together. There is a kind of healing energy that pervades the whole space. When we went for coffee, I found a huge social space, where we could move about. At once I persuaded/ managed? organised? the group into each doing a "personal space" exercise. It goes like this: you stretch out your arms as far as they will go, facing your palms outwards. That delineates your personal space - the tiny bit of the world over which you have dominion. Then you say "This is my personal space: it is mine. No one can take it away or make it larger. I claim it as my own." Then still with arms outstretched, the individual spins around, claiming their own space in 3D.

It was VERY hard for some, easy for others, while there were some who tried to claim more space than they truly could own. A profound experience for at least one, who has emailed me since about it.

Then it was time for the presentation: still text-heavy because I have yet to buy licences for the images, most of which are scientific and not in the public domain. This time I realised that a quick tour of fertilization, embryogenesis and fetal development will have to be included in the presentation so people can understand how twinning can happen. The work with wombtwin survivors is extending now into chimerism, and the exchange of undifferentiated embryonic cells, which largely lies outside the realm of science, so we must keep to what is known, lest we get carried away into conjecture.

Clearly, as I do workshops and show the presentation again and again, it will provide the chance to refine these ideas, as I venture into creating the Book of the Project (of which more in 2009, probably ad nauseam.)

So then we had lunch and the guitarist left, but not after we had each given him a parting gift of some kind of positive reflection on his personality. It is interesting that by truthfully showing someone their gifts (not simple flattery) in a way you give their gifts to them, because once we become aware of our giftedness then we are more likely to practice those gifts. He liked that and it helped him, he told me later.

Then I asked what everyone wanted to do? In small group this is possible. Almost everyone wanted to know about the healing process, and also about the Alpha and the Beta.

At once it was clear: we had two rooms to use, one a bland, gray and white area with a long meeting table, the PowerPoint technology etc, the other a smaller room with red walls and floor, and a round, white table. We spend the morning in the white room and went into the red room after lunch. I asked what purpose this red room was used for - it was for high-level meetings and decision making - this was the Alpha space!

At the doorway there was a threshold between the red carpet of the Alpha room and the grey of the Beta room. We then did an exercise about our personal Black Hole. As each person reflected, it became clear that most of the feelings in the Black Hole ( which is the pre-birth memory of the loss of the twin) related to the Beta space.

The healing path involves a movement from living too much of one's life in the Beta space (as the little lost twin) towards living in the Alpha space (as the living survivor) most, if not all, of the time.

So I suggested/lead/persuaded some of the participants to step into the Beta room ( which I darkened) and talk about that kept him/her there, and what it would take for them to move over the threshold and forward into the light of the Alpha space. For some it was SO difficult!

All in all, a wonderful, profound experience. I stepped out into the dark, busy streets of Manhattan with a great sense of gratitude. Thanks to you all if you are reading this - you know who you are. Thanks for coming. Keep in touch.

The next event is a meeting in St Albans on 25th October. Do come! More here.

I tell you more about that next week.

Out of your Beta space!

I am editing Nick Owens talk as an audio file for the site and one of the questions has brought something to light for me: the "Alpha" twin who survives and the "Beta" twin who does not. The wombtwin survivor (in particular the identical wombtwin survivor) lives them both out.

The wombtwin survivor has two modes of being: in one (the Alpha space) he or she is the active, strong survivor, with cognitive capacity, agency and mastery. In the other, (the Beta space) he or she is the torpid, weak, lost twin, in a state of cognitive incapacity, helplessness and dependency.

The question at the conference was: "When you wake up in your Beta space, how do you get out of it?"

It's a big problem, because the sense of helpless incapacity that characterises the Beta space tends to hold you there is a state of spiritual paralysis.

It's as if the Dream of the Womb is rendered all-powerful and all-consuming, eclipsing any sense of normal existence. Drenched in that sense of total lifelessness, the survivor is rendered unable to function normally and is left unable to make choices or decisions, to act or to make anything happen. This is a state of mind that is similar to clinical depression, but may never be diagnosed at such. A more likely diagnosis is bi-polar disorder, for the Alpha state and the Beta state are so different from one another.

For the Beta state does pass. Antidepressants, therapy, strong social pressure and other outside influences may force one out of the Beta state into something that passes for an Alpha state - at least something a bit more functional and active. Yet there is always the risk that the Dream will come again and eclipse the Alpha energy once more, and the will to live is gone once more.

So how to get back that will to live? There seems to be several ways to do this.

Recapture Alpha energy
As you lie there unable to get up and get on with life, you can cast your mind back to a time when you were active, masterful and clever. You were the Alpha survivor then and that capacity is still within you. Catch hold of that energy and use it to get out of bed.

Increase activity
Just do something. Get up; wash; make a cup of coffee. Walk; run. Anything. Give yourself examples of how active you truly are; how alive you are. By simple activities, rediscover your Alpha energy.

Notice when you enter the Dream
Notice how the negative Beta energy swamps you. As you sit there, feeling eclipsed, notice that this is your Dream of the Womb. In the Dream you are closest to your lost twin. You are in the Dream because you want to be there. This is a deliberate choice. In the Dream you are not alone. As you recreate the Dream you pretend to be a zombie: dead yet alive. But this is not true, this is just a Dream, formed out of love and longing.

Be prepared to leave the Dream
It's your choice - to live the life you have been given - a great gift!- or to go on living the Dream.

How would you choose?