Important post

Tributes to Althea Hayton

Althea Hayton, founder of Womb Twin, passed away peacefully on August 13 (sorry for the delay in posting this news on the blog). We are all ...

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Healing (30) The moment of surrender

When at last all possibilities have been exhausted, and the search seems to be fruitless: when one is in despair and utter helplessness, then comes your moment of willing surrender. This has been called a "spiritual crisis" but I believe that it is also a form of imaginary "rebirth." I believe that this moment is the end of your Dream of the Womb, for it is the memory of your own birth.
It is hard to know how one comes to this place. It is certainly not easy to get to or to find. It arises out of desperation or exhaustion, out of a dark, dark night of the soul. It feels like the mother of all Black Holes and can be very frightening to experience - but that would depend on how traumatic your birth was. For some people, the surrender of the will is simple and easy and holds no fear: for others it is a terrifying prospect.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Healing (29) Developing your negotiation skills

I believe that negotiation is the most complex social situation of all. I also believe that an ability to handle complex social situations with ease is a great boost to self confidence. Furthermore, If you are a good negotiator, whether or not you are dealing with another person who is skilled at negotiation, you will get exactly what you want out of the deal. Developing your negotiation skills sounds like an excellent idea, so it surprises me that so many people refuse to negotiate.
Refusing to negotiate
A common misapprehension is that entering into negotiation will put one in a position of vulnerability. “This is non-negotiable” sounds like a very strong and determined statement, but how powerful is it really?

Friday, July 29, 2011

Healing (28) Healing negativity

There is a grey cloud with me always. It hovers just out of sight. It does not lie within me, but outside of me. It is Other. It is a brooding, silent presence of mystery, it is sadness and desolation. In it there is no hope, no joy. All my life I have tried to explain the cloud that haunts me by pretending it is part of me. I have walked a way of inner emptiness. I have quelled all desire and yearning. I have used all my inner strength for this sacrifice. I have surrendered all these things and handed over my life. I have become nothing, without feeling, without desire. I am grey. I have become the cloud.
Pride, is it said, is the father of all sin. I would put it differently: it is the father of all negativity. Pride is the deliberate concealment of shame by denial. This careful concealment is a fearful, rigid, negative and deadening place. Sometimes negativity is mistaken for something other than pride, but if we take a close look we will find pride there.
Fearful
If you deny feeling shame then you are blinding yourself to the consequences of your actions. You may do this by pretending that the shameful thing you are doing (or not doing) isn't happening. Alternatively, you may pretend that the thing you are doing (or choosing not to do) is nothing to be ashamed of. Either way exposure is to be feared.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Healing (27) Personal growth

Some people say that the object of personal growth is to express your full personality. I agree with this, but I wonder why personal growth is so difficult for wombtwin survivors. In this leaflet I will assume that personal growth is a natural and effortless process. I will also assume that it is only the compulsion to re-enact your dream of the womb that keeps you in a perpetual state of immaturity, locked into the past and imprisoned by a series of rules and standards that you know to be artificial and yet hold true.
Holding these two assumptions in mind, let’s explore the various ways in which womb twin survivors may be deliberately blocking their own personal growth.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Healing (26) Coping with chaos

Womb twin survivors have a deep sense of things being “ not quite right”. This may be expressed in a bodily way as vague, minor physical ailments that resist all treatment. The sense of inner disturbance may find an outlet as erratic mood swings or irrational rage. An inner sense of being “ in a complete mess” may be expressed on the home environment, as a cluttered mess of things left undone or not cleared up.
The three steps towards healing chaos is first to understand it; second to realise it and third to sort it out.
UNDERSTANDING INNER CHAOS
A sense of inner chaos may be understood as a reflection of the Dream of the Womb. Somewhere in the Dream there is a sense of something properly constituted falling into disintegration. This may be a lost memory of a blighted ovum, that never really made it into any kind of ordered existence.
Perhaps there is a vague impression of a foetus papyraceous, that was developing quite normally but began to disintegrate, until it was just a bag of bones.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Healing (25) Towards more autonomy

Womb twin survivors are not very good at self sufficiency. They tend to be dependent on other people for various things, such as practical skills, encouragement or human company.
Now that you have sent your womb twin into the light and begun the process of waking from your Dream, one thing that you will notice at once is that you are now on your own, and your womb twin has gone. Yet this kind of “being alone” is not the same as being lonely or abandoned. This strange new sensation is in fact autonomy.
OUT OF THE SIDELINES
In your mind you have been sharing with your life with your womb twin and in a sense putting your life on hold for them. There is no need to do that now. You have been underplaying your talents and sitting in the sidelines, burdened with a sense of privilege at having so much. There is no need to sit on the sidelines now.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Healing (24) The love of equal sharing

Exploitation happens when someone takes out of a relationship more than they put in. Sharing quickly becomes exploitation if it isn’t equal. Only in the love of equal sharing is there complete justice, balance and harmony, and it is a wonderful experience when it works!
The love of equal sharing takes effort but the rewards are enormous. The model for this kind of love is the intense, responsive, highly empathetic and intuitive relationship of hypersensitive awareness that exists between womb twin in their short time together. If you can duplicate this style of loving in your born life, it will bring you great happiness.
Mindfulness
The love of equal sharing requires that everyone is treated equally and considered of equal worth. To maintain this attitude you will have to think carefully about the effects of your personal beliefs upon others. For example if you decide you are not worth as much as another person then there can be no love of equal sharing and you will deprive yourself and the other person of a wonderful experience.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Healing (23) Healing floating resentment

I am not insane. I am angry. This world has dumped on me for the final time. I am not spoiled or lazy for fighting is not weak or slow-witted. A real fight is gutsy and painful. I don’t care about the pain. I want to show the world I won’t be stamped on any more. People like me are mistreated every day. I fight for my rights to show society, "push us, and we will push back." I have suffered all my life. No one ever truly loved me. No one ever truly cared about me.
These words were written by a young man who had been charged with attempted murder following a street fight. Anyone who feels “dumped on” by society is clearly trying to find a place for free-floating resentment. For a start “society” doesn’t “dump on” or “push” people; the world does not “stamp” on anyone; also it is highly likely that at least one or two people in the whole world care if this young man lives or dies. In short, there is absolutely no truth in these allegations against “society” or “the world”. Resentment goes a long way back; far back into the Dream of the Womb.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Healing (22) Forgiveness and repentance

Repentance is a complex psychological and spiritual task, and history reveals with what difficulty people acheive it. It comes in a total surrender to the Way Things Are, yet there are ten difficult steps to be taken, before repentance can be complete.

  • The first step is to realise the nature of  your invented shame.
  • The second step is to achieve self acceptance through an honest personal evaluation of  invented shame.
  • The third step is to face the truth of one's genuine morally shameful behaviour .

Friday, July 22, 2011

Healing (21) Separation and letting go

Your ritual of letting go, provided you carry it out with all your heart, will affect you profoundly in ways that at present you can only guess. It will mark the closure of a chapter in your life. Truly, you will never be able to awaken from the Dream until you have peacefully accepted the fact of your womb twin’s death. If you use your intuition to build your ritual plan, then all the details will fall into place. Every aspect of the ritual should have meaning and strong personal associations so that you will be engaged at a very intense level throughout. Above all, there must be no distractions. This is a private affair.
The time
There will come a day - very soon now - when you will have a deep sense that it is time for your womb twin to leave. The time may be already upon you, or long overdue, but you may find that you are not quite ready yet. It is very important that you do this at the right time for you, so if you are not ready, just consider all the aspects of your ritual to come but do nothing until the time comes.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Healing (20) Are you ready for change?

Does something in your life need to change?
 Are there things you do, feel or believe that get you into trouble, ruin your happiness and leave you feeling miserable or full of resentment? If so, then you have a problem. Now you can solve the problem, leave things as they are or look as if you are trying to solve the problem while carefully making sure that it remains unsolved.

Re-enacting your Dream of the Womb gets you into all kinds of trouble and often leads you into despair, but you make no effort to get to grips with the problem and solve it , once and for all

This is further proof that the re-enactment of your Dream of the Womb is the principal task of your life. Nothing is more important than that - absolutely nothing. You may see your marriage failing; your health breaking down; your future in ruins, but you still hold fast to the way things have always been.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Healing (19) Dominance and Alpha power

Assumed submission
Self-esteem is the key to personal power. It is the value you place on yourself. If you are an Alpha wombtwin survivor and you have deliberately thrown away your Alpha power, then you may be stuck in a “beta” space where you are acting out the life of your Beta wombtwin rather than your own. (Plus lashings of shame at your weakness of character, to provide a much-needed vehicle for survivor guilt.) This is a kind of assumed submission.
In this case you will say you “suffer from low self esteem” but this is a self-inflicted wound. Evidence of your talents mounts daily and it is becoming increasingly clear that you are not using them. Why you are not using them is a mystery to you, but you feel powerless to begin. Your self esteem may be low because you have chosen to put a low value on yourself as a person; you are assuming, quite wrongly, that other people hardly notice you at all and generally speaking you feel powerless.
In truth you have as much power as anyone else. You just don’t want power: you have given it away.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Healing (18) Coming in from the cold - healing self isolation

ABANDONED
Some womb twin survivors spend a great deal of time cut off from other people in a world of their own. In their Dream of the Womb, they began their lives in company but the Someone else has now gone. Almost every womb twin survivor I have had contact with feels abandoned. This is entirely predictable, for they have indeed been abandoned by their womb twin.
SOLITARY AND SAD
We can all enjoy being alone, but some womb twin survivors feel very sad when they are left alone. It is when everyone else has gone away that they feel abandoned, yet again. Womb twin survivors who are placed for adoption find this very hard because they have been abandoned twice in quick succession: firstly by their twin and then by their mother.
If you feel solitary and sad when you are left alone, with little capacity to enjoy the peace and freedom of a little time to yourself, then you may have been abandoned by your twin, lost in a miscarriage.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Healing (17) Being female in a male kind of way

The biology of being a woman is about far more than just giving birth and rearing children. Women are essential for holding communities together; socialising the children and caring for the sick, old or weak. Women are sociable, talkative and enjoy being in a group.
With other women, the female uses feminine energy for negotiation of space, emotional support, caring for children and improving the home environment. With men, female energy is used to foster in the male a sense of his own dominance in the group and to ensure that he provides and cares for her adequately, in return for which her sexual favours are made available, from time to time.
A woman is a natural behavioural psychologist, placing reward and punishment in just the right places to achieve exactly what she wants. There is no need for her to shout or rant, all she has to do is wait for the right moment.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Healing (16) Being male in a female kind of way

Evolution of sex differences
If we look at the last million years of evolution during which humans have lived as hunter-gatherers, the last eight thousand years or so which saw the first signs of civilisation were only a few minutes ago in terms of geological time. Men and women are still expressing in the way they live their lives the characteristics that have prevailed for millennia and have enabled the human species to thrive.
Regardless of the events of history and the rise of civilisation, male and female energy is still used according to the biological role of the man and the woman. The formula that works and has stood the test of time for many thousands of generations is this: the woman bears and raises the children, the man protects the woman and children from danger, fights battle on their behalf and is prepared to risk his life for the family. The woman is always busy in and near to the home with preparing food, teaching the children about society and keeping the home together. The man goes out from the home- often covering huge distances which he navigates with ease, and obtains food and goods to nourish and protect his family.
Whether you like it or not, this is the arrangement that works best in a family.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Healing (15) Understanding addictions

An addict never keeps a promise. Womb twin survivors in particular choose something to do to excess, which causes a problem. They promise themselves they will solve this problem but somehow the promise is never fulfilled. In their Dream of the Womb there was a promise of new life, which was never fulfilled. This is why addicts, despite their best efforts, break their promises to reform, again and again.
Survivor guilt
Addiction is much more complicated than just a broken promise. They are wrapped up inside a whole complex ritual, which has important moral, social and legal dimensions. For example, ways to restrict drug taking, drinking alcohol and prostitution have for centuries been the subject of Acts of Parliament.
It is easy to get hung up in trying to control the excessive behavoiur of the addict. Attempts to “eat normally” or “just shop for what you really need” always meet with failure. There is a much deeper agenda that is being ignored, simply because it is not understood. For womb twin survivors, the deepest agenda is survivor guilt. Apart from being one big “shame trip”, addiction is the best way to throw a life away that we humans have ever managed to invent.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Healing (14) A problem with food and eating

Something is missing: is it in the fridge? Wombtwin survivors have a vague but prevailing feeling that something is missing. The person has no idea what this is. It may seem to be lost, in which case one must search for it, it may seem to be simply lacking, in which case it must be compensated for.
The desire to compensate for this vague, missing presence becomes translated into a variety of irrational and unaccountable behaviours. A good example is addiction to food. A person experiences a sense of something missing which feels a bit like hunger or emptiness. In an attempt to heal this, they eat. Eating does not fill the emptiness, because it never had anything to do with food. Its just that the empty feeling is very similar to hunger and is easily confused with it.

Fred and George Weasley - when one twin dies - need help?

The premier of the final part of the Harry Potter is out today.  It is no secret that one of the Weasley twins dies in the final battle.  The death of one twin, and the survivor weeping over the body of his brother laid out in the Great hall of Hogwarts, will no doubt trigger a wave of grief among womb twin survivors, particularly the males who lost an identical twin brother, long before they were born - or perhaps around the time of their birth.

Many of these people may not understand why they are so terribly upset by events in a fictional film  - but they may be weeping for more than the character on the screen; their grief may be a genuine feeling of loss, which is completely their own.

If you have been weeping because of the death of Fred Weasley,  and you can't understand why it has been so hard for you to get over it, you may be a womb twin survivor. In that case, your tears today may be the start of an amazing journey of discovery and healing.

This is the journey you may choose to make with the help of  the material on my web site:

Complete the questionnaire - this will set you thinking about your own situation and will help me with my research at the same time. I also provide free confidential email follow-up as my thanks to you.

Read the books: there are several to choose from:

  • UNTWINNED  Articles by various experts about the death of a twin before or around birth.
  • A SILENT CRY  70 womb twin survivors telling their stories
  • WOMB TWIN SURVIVORS A comprehensive review of the womb twin survivors research project - the medical and psychological signs that are characteristic of womb twin survivors, fully illustrated and with lots of real quotations by womb twin survivors.
  • A healing path for womb twin survivors e-book ( PDF).  (each of the 30 steps is being covered each day of July in this blog)  

Find other womb twin survivors: 

Then you might want to:

Still confused? Contact me. Always here - just email.




Thursday, July 14, 2011

Healing (13) Your womb twin was real

It is very important that you recognise your womb twin as someone separate from you. He or she was a real little person - an individual. You will never be able to let go until you have grasped this. If you continue to insist that there is a “part of you” that some how controls how you feel and behave, then you haven't quite got it. You are not divided into “parts” at all. You are one complete person and your womb twin was also one complete person, albeit very tiny and perhaps not very well developed.
Their story
Your womb twin had a very brief life and an untimely death. The story of their life is tangled closely with yours. You have identified with it totally to the extent that you believe that your womb twin is “part of you” and their story is your story. Not so. Your story is that you developed from embryo into foetus and then into a born baby. You have known a born life whereas your womb twin's life was lived out in the womb. Your womb twin’s story is very different. You know a lot about it because you have been re-enacting it every day of your born life.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Healing (12): Sorting out the clutter

In your dream of the womb there is Someone Else who was once alive and responsive. If there was no miscarriage, then the Someone Else turned into Something else. If you have a cluttering problem, then you are trying to reconstruct a lost dream of your wombtwin who died but remained there alongside as lifeless human flesh.
There are three aspects of the Dream that are reflected in this style of symbolic behaviour: the body of your wombtwin is reflected in the things you gather around you; the relationship that once was and is gone for all time is now an impossible dream; the tiny life that was so soon snuffed out is reflected in the projects that remain unfinished.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Healing (11) Ending the cycle of self-sabotage

Do you make the same mistakes in life, again and again? Do you start projects but never finish them properly? Do you never get round to things? Are you your own worst enemy? Do you lack focus and motivation?
All of the above are chosen ways to sabotage your life. Self sabotage is the price you pay for spending your life caught up in the Dream of the Womb. It is a way not to live life to the full and never realise your true potential. It may sound crazy to deliberately decide to ruin your life in this way, but remember that the greatest force in your life has always been survivor guilt. You feel guilty of the sin of being alive, so you simply choose not to live. That makes sense.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Healing (10) finding your personal healing path

To move forward you will need to look back. Spend some time reading these pages again and discuss the ideas with as many people as you can. Try and make the idea of wombtwin survivors familiar, real and ordinary.
Dream
Allow yourself to hope that things could be different one day, however hard that may be to imagine. See the way you sabotage your life and imagine a world where you don’t do that any more and what life will be like. Experience yearning, longing and wishing and notice the healing energy that lies hidden in your dreams.
Question
Why do you live the way you do? Why do you feel the way you do about yourself? Why do you have these strange fantasies? Chase these questions as far as you can with relentless logic until you can see that there is no reason why you should do such damage to yourself and your life - unless you are guilty about being alive.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Healing (9) death

As we explore, deeper and deeper, into the details of your Dream of the womb, we come across death. Like a partially completed jigsaw, a picture will gradually emerge of what happened in the womb all those years ago. A memory of exactly how your twin died is buried somewhere in your mind and in this session I hope you will be able to work out what happened.
Sudden death
If your mother underwent an abortion operation but remained pregnant afterwards, then your twin died during the operation but you survived. This was a sudden and violent death.
If your twin was miscarried, he or she was lost quickly and completely after a loss of blood and perhaps some mild contractions of the womb. This was probably because there were not enough hormones around to keep the placenta firmly planted in the wall of the womb. The placenta is vital to maintain life and your womb twin simply starved to death and asphyxiated. In this case, your placenta may have been inadequate for you. You may have been small for dates or born prematurely.

Saturday, July 09, 2011

Healing (8) Shame

The greatest burden carried by womb twin survivors is survivor guilt. You can notice this by the fact that you try to live two lives at once, squeezing two jobs or maybe more, plus a variety of interests and projects, into every week. If there are not enough hours in the day to do anything properly, then nothing gets finished properly. Everything is rushed and done at the last minute. There is little satisfaction in that. The result is that you focus your entire life on other people and your main source of satisfaction is that they are happy.
A few moments of reflection may show you what is being recycled here: Your guilt is such that you give your life away to others. By living two lives at once you end up with no real satisfaction in life at all except what you have done for others.

Friday, July 08, 2011

Healing (7) Understanding your anger


Feeling angry is a response to threat. It is fear that motivates anger in the first place.   If there is no real threat, then there need be no feelings of anger. The anger which is experienced by womb twin survivors arises out of their Dream of the Womb. It is never appropriate or proportionate, because it is always in response to some illusion of threat that exists only on the Dream. No such threat exists in reality. To the womb twin survivor the anger feels totally justified and absolutely appropriate.
Rage and anger is not considered an “aggressive disorder” as long as the anger is totally appropriate and proportionate to the threat. It follows then that womb twin survivors are more likely to be unnecessarily aggressive - even the people who are afraid to express anger for fear of the consequences.

Thursday, July 07, 2011

Healing (6) Recognising assumed helplessness

The sense of "helplessness" you experience because you are a wombtwin survivor is an illusion. It arises out of your Dream of the Womb. For example you may feel “abandoned” and yet be surrounded by friends, or feel “incapable” yet know you have a high IQ.
With part of your brain you know that the helplessness you feel is an illusion, yet somehow it feels so very real! This is how, despite the fact that people constantly remind you of your strengths, you continue to believe in your helplessness.
It is hard work maintaining this illusion of assumed "helplessness". To keep the contradiction alive, you have to adopt various extremely complex and subtle strategies of avoidance when you are cornered and simply refusing to think about it or talk about it doesn’t hold water.....

Wednesday, July 06, 2011

Healing (5) Self-inflicted pain

I am torn between the wish to escape the pain and the loyalty that keeps me here by your side. Remembering causes pain, so it is logical to forget. but I can’t help remembering, because the Dream is here with me now. It is with me always, and you are there in the Dream. You are alive with me now but you are dying now; you are gone now and I am alone now and will be forever. You are always with me and yet you are gone forever. But if I keep the pain alive then you will still be there. So I will keep the Dream alive in my pain and keep you near me always.
Womb twin survivors inflict pain upon themselves, either by abusing their own body or becoming the victim to others who are then allowed to abuse them. The specific chosen method of self abuse is in fact a coded message that comes straight out of the Dream of the womb. The pain is loss and grief and the feeling of being abandoned in a world where no one cares.

Tuesday, July 05, 2011

Healing (4) : Acknowledging the primal wound

Suffering is a choice. It hardens your heart to believe that you are not suffering or to pretend that people are trying to make you suffer. It softens your heart to believe that the suffering of the world is all your responsibility. Suffering is about pain. The pain that is yours belongs to you. All your feelings belong to you. No one can make you feel pain that is not already there inside you.
Unrequited love
Let us take for example the suffering of unrequited love. The lover reaches out constantly only to be rebuffed. Why do you keep reaching out so often and so consistently if all you experience is suffering? Why do you not stop trying and go elsewhere? It is a strange thing that you should stay and suffer when there are other, more reciprocal relationships you could make.

Monday, July 04, 2011

Healing (3) Despair

You spent several months alone in the womb after your womb twin died. Your feelings of despair were created then. The nature of your despair that arises out of your Dream of the Womb varies according to the circumstances of your womb twin’s death.
HOPE
Despair is the absence of hope. This can arise out of a sense of hope being dashed. In the Dream of the Womb, the tiny person who was moving actively nearby seemed to promise a relationship that would be as close as close can be, but the promise was broken by death. That sense of dejection and being disheartened suggests a bitter disappointment. In the Dream, the hopelessness that is a large part of despair is an echo of the long, long wait for your womb twin to respond.

Sunday, July 03, 2011

Healing (2) Finding the facts behind the imprint

In the womb, you learned very, very fast indeed. In spurts of activity, your tiny body moved rapidly. Throughout this frenzied movement, your neural networks were at once being formed and pruned. The formation of your neural networks was the creation of a large number of links between a large number of neurones.

Each neurone was just one single cell among many millions of other neurones. Each had many hundreds of tiny little tendrils extending from it, each capable of meeting and connecting with the ends of other tendrils of other neurones. The resultant web of neurones, all connected to one another, is what now makes up your brain and spinal cord. The more connections you have, the higher your IQ. Somewhere in all that complexity is a simple, primitive imprint of your life in the womb.
Now all this may sound a bit far-fetched for a tiny creature the size of a bean growing rapidly in half a wine-glass full of amniotic fluid, but this is indeed what was going on. When you were that size, all those years ago, your neurones were growing at such a rate that you were much, much more sensitive to your environment than you are now, and enormous quantities of information about what was going on around you must have come pouring in.


Saturday, July 02, 2011

Healing (1) Understanding your Dream of the Womb

Womb twin survivors spend their lives re-enacting their personal Dream of the Womb, which is created out of the imprint of events that took place when the neural networks in their brain were being laid down. Nothing, not even life itself, is more important than the Dream. The word "Dream" is hardly sufficient to describe the way this imprint in our brain drives our choices and shapes our emotional reactions throughout life. The imprint is so profound it feels more real than a Dream, and yet it is obviously not a Dream but a real memory.

Friday, July 01, 2011

Healing for womb twin survivors - the e-book

Throughout the month of July, I will set out the 30 steps of the Healing Path, as described in this ebook:

All proceeds go to Womb Twin

This ebook was written over the winter of 2005/6 and detailed a healing path for womb twin survivors, at least as it seemed to me at the time....